Thursday, June 28, 2007


I don't know if any of you have heard of a little invention called the neti pot, but its a quite spellbinding product. It looks like a little clay tea kettle except for instead of pouring tea into a cup, you pour warm salt water right into your nostril, and then it comes out the other one! Its crazy. At first it was fun and made me feel better because it flushed out my sinuses.

But now it goes in one side, meets the wall of congestion and then reroutes down my throat, which let me tell you - is not pleasant.

I'm totally bummed! I wanted to go up north to see Jason's band tonight and hang out with him, I haven't seen him since like ALMOST A WEEK AGO! That is absurd!
But I think maybe I'm too sick to go, I don't know. I mean I feel like crap but i want to go, but I know this is probably not a good idea. I will probably feel worse tomorrow, when I have to work, if I stay up all night AND I certainly don't want to get him sick either. Hmmm this is one of those times when I should be an adult and make the wise decision. Instead, I am going to put it off and go to the gym. I'm hoping I will pull a complete recovery in approx. 2 hours.

wish me luck.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007


and how how how did I wake up this morning dying of a cold and possible sinus infection?

hjdfskahfjasdklhdsjakl ok this is annoying IT IS ALMOST JULY!!!!!!!

i will be very upset if this keeps me from enjoying myself tomorrow night

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Highway to nowhere

driving down mercer street tonight in the dark, the streetlights shining off of the cars buzzing around me, my body tired and my head feeling empty and drained, I had to laugh at the familiarity of the moment.
its funny how life takes you on a million excursions but in the end its still a circular road, all moving in the same direction. Passing milestones that appear increasingly and alarmingly alike.

A part of me looks back at the adventures I've lived and is hungry for so much. For that feeling again. That feeling I used to get every day as I left my apartment in Paris. The evenings I spent on the terrace in italy, planning the next day's hikes or beach combing. That feeling that is un-nameable but makes you sure for the first time, so sure and positive that you could shout it out and no one would disagree: "I'm alive! I'm alive!" Breath-takingly startlingly living your life instead of sitting and watching it move past you.

On the highway coming over the bridge I looked at the cars around me as the bass from the radio pounded over my eardrums. All the cars traveling the same speed down that highway left me unsettled - as if the bridge itself were moving, the world itself were turning past and all the cars were standing still. All of us inside them feeling sure we're going somewhere when really were are as static and cemented as the pylons of that bridge driven down into the earth.

Part of me wants to run far away, let this feeling fall away and replace it with an endlessly changing landscape of adventures and the instability that comes with them.

But the other part of me...the other part is too torn between a million things to put enough thoughts together to do anything. Most of it is wrapped up in the lingering warmth of his arms around me and his kisses on my skin. That part of me is so hungry, so starved for contact that it sends panic signals to my heart when I spend too much time alone. Even though alone is when I feel the most myself. Alone is also when I lose the most control. I suppose maybe that's the attraction of it. That unrestrained feeling.

And now that part of me is telling my brain to go to sleep. Telling me tomorrow will come early and another mindless day begins. So I surrender and trust that either one or the other part of me will lead me onto the right path.

Thursday, June 21, 2007


Had a physical yesterday. They drew some blood to test all kinds of things I guess, in case my tremor stems from an actual nervous disorder instead of just me being certifiably the most neurotic human on the planet.

Other than that I'm in perfect health :)

Work is pretty mediocre. I forgot how much having a job SUCKS. However, having money is pretty cool. I suppose the ends justify the means, but BOY do I not want to go in today. I wish I had a cool job. Or at least one where I could wear my own clothes.

Hilarious new development: every time I come home after I've spent the night with Jason, my father likes to make snide comments. Last night he asked me where I was going "all dressed up" (I was wearing jeans...I don't know) and I told him I had a date. When I got home this morning and passed him in the hall he mutters, "that was a LONG date"
Creepy. He should be happy I'm not out being impregnated by felons and flushing my life down the drain.

I hate that I become simpering around men I'm dating. I feel like I get quiet and weird and nervous. I wish I had more courage. Or...whatever it is that makes some girls awesome with men. I just feel so shy and self-conscious. ESPECIALLY on the phone, oh god, its humiliating

well I should probably figure out something to actually accomplish today before I leave for work in about an hour...hmmmm...

I miss you all terribly! Write me nice messages, I get lonely a lot here!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Working Girl the greatest movie. Melanie Griffith - what happened to you? Man Cocaine and booze have ruined a lot of people.

ANYWAY. So I pretty much spend my entire life working now. I have been waking up LITERALLY at the crack of dawn, lugging myself off to a thankless job where I have to be nice to incredible daft and rude people, and then heading home again, COMPLETELY drained of any energy whatsoever. Then I usually collapse into bed. Sometimes I work out before I collapse into bed, but collapsing into bed is always an integral part of the equation. Only to be woken again at 5am the next day to start it all over again.

My only solace from this has been spending time with Jason, which has been really kind of incredible so far. Its funny to see how we've changed (and not changed) these last five years. I wish I could see him every day but I know its probably best to resist that temptation. I can't get used to it, because I'll be leaving again in August and I'm preparing myself for it all to go back to normal.

I have such a good time with him. I admire him a lot, as I always have. I think that was a good part of what attracted me to him at first. And he's sensitive, which is good for me. And patient, which is great. And he doesn't seem to mind my neuroses and quirks and he remembers all my hang-ups. He makes it very easy for me, which is refreshing. It doesn't have to be a struggle with him. We communicate a lot better, we talk about how we feel about one another, I express my opinions to him much more freely now.

Anyway, this is the dullest post of all time. I can't believe I'm even posting it.

Next time I'll post something more exciting, I PROMISE

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Au Retour

bizarre new developments but i think i like them.
at the very least i can see that he's grown and that he understands the way he made me feel, which is vindicating. i'm not as crazy as i thought i was :)
we went to a really interesting concert that a client of his was in and i was reading the bio's that these woman and men had put in the program. OH MY GOD. this one woman is a registered nurse at Children's Hospital, and she has two kids of her own, and she sings in a renaissance choir, and she gives back to the community, and she has hobbies and a life and everything you could imagine. i kept thinking, jesus, what am i doing with my own time.

the new job is...well, i don't know. it is at the very least NOT monotonous and boring. so i suppose that makes it worthwhile for what it pays. i was seriously stressed out yesterday though, when the phones got really hectic and i answered about 4 calls that required me to make two simoltaneous bookings, i thought i was going to lose my mind. and then afterwards i had a mad headache, but i think that was because i forgot to eat lunch. hah.

last night we were invited to this special event hosted by grayline and the space needle, and we went to this studio in ballard where they blow glass art. we got to go down in the studio and help spin the glass, and mould it and everything, it was really fun. sometime when i have the time and the money (so, never) i would like to take a class on glass-blowing. and photography. and get a nice camera. that would be fun.

then we went to the space needle for a fancy reception with wine and amazing food and i just laughed my ass off knowing that i used to work there and have to stand around all day being nice to a million anonomous jerks. so this time, i was the anonomous jerk, and i had three glasses of wine and i enjoyed myself. so there.

then on the way home my mom brought up the problem of plane tickets to france, which we both have recently discovered are ungodly expensive to the point that i probably won't be able to go. words cannot express how dissapointing this is to me, i want to go so badly, and i deserve to go! fuckers. i hate money, it ruins everything EVERYTHING when you don't have any. if i want to go to moscow in january, which i feel is important for my career, then i shouldn't go to france. unless miraculously $1500 dollars falls into my lap, which (let me save you all the suspense) IT WON'T sooooo i'm fucked, basically.

I started one of the books that Tim recommended to me, based on the Course In Miracles. it's a little too "surrender to God" for my taste, i don't know, it puts me off a little bit. but she did have one idea that i loved because its SO TRUE.
there was this part where she was talking about how she had the habit of getting into the same destructive patterns in her life, and then through much self-reflection and thought and therapy she was able to distinguish them, categorize them, look at them objectively for what they were, these patterns of behavior and association that brought her down to her knees. And she imagined people around her thinking, "well she is so self-aware, now she will be able to rid herself of those patterns."
But being able to recognize and articulate these patterns didn't make them so away, it just made them more sophisticated. There is a deep and wide gap between recognition and a complete physical and mental 180.

i suppose i should try to break my patterns, of course, BUT easier said that done.