Sunday, July 22, 2007

Talk about deathly hollows...

so I'm going to take this brief opportunity to try and catch everyone (and myself) up with what has been going on. I've hardly been writing, mostly because 80% of my time is spent working and the other 20% is divided between spending time with Jason and having emotionally torturous rows with my mother. Just like high school! Its great.

And by great I mean horrible.

except for the Jason part which has been...indescribable. I'm afraid to put anything in writing, say it out loud, because it is bringing me so palpably close to real concrete happiness and because I know its going to change in a very bad way in less than a month. I already feel my heart breaking when I drive away from him. I forgot what a good friend he is. Sometimes we talk for hours and hours and we argue about things that are important to both of us and he listens intently and makes a point to respond. One night he even called me the next day to tell me something he had thought of relating to what we had discussed. He understands, he engages, he is funny and thoughtful and sensitive. I guess I had always heard those couples who say things like, "He's my best friend" and most of the time - out of desperate jealousy I suppose - I would simply laugh it off and mime sticking my finger down my throat. But I think I may be starting to understand what that feels like. I feels good. I don't know, there are no words. All I know is it is going to be terribly hard to leave him.

He has been particularly helpful in supporting me through my conflicts with my mom which have recently become frequent and destructive. Now I admit I get overly emotional to these kinds of things but that woman has an uncanny ability to sharpen every blow to hit you at the very deepest and most vulnerable place. It makes you want to fight her even if she's right. But then you are left so bruised and dazed that you don't know what to think. You start seeing all your behavior laid out before you in glaring burning letters: selfishness, thoughtlessness, disregard for the feelings of others again and again and again. And I start to doubt my own emotional responses - what is my subconscious agenda? I end up feeling so helpless and worthless and looking at her heart so raw in the face that I become incredibly depressed. Its hard to get perspective, to grab hold of anything constructive from a place like that.

I told her point-blank: this is why I fear to move home, this is why, because I cannot live my life like this, I WILL NOT SURVIVE IT. I will become just as eternally dissapointed and beaten down as you often feel. And I am afraid it would poison whatever goodness there was in my life, poison my relationships, poison my work with self-loathing. It reminds me of a very bleak time in my life, a time where I developed some very dark habits to deal with the self-loathing that was tearing me apart, and I have no desire to go back to that place.

I was supposed to go to Sequim this weekend but those plans were derailed. I would like to be with Jason right now, but I needed to come home and deal with the mess that was left between my mom and myself. I am very weary and I do not feel very...lovable. I guess. It does not make me feel very lovable and it makes me afraid. That someday they all may stop and then I will be left with nothing.

Saturday, July 14, 2007


i cannot possibly express the anguish to which I am driven living with my parents. i turn one way and slam into the world's most tangled guilt-trip and the other way I bump into the volcanic relationship between my mother and father.

this must be what hell is like.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Short lil' somethin

Sooooooooooooooo summer?

the weather has been insanely beautiful. I spent this whole "weekend" (thursday and friday but hey close enough, right?) hanging out with my new favorite person and feeling summery and great, if a little sweaty. But that can be hot, right?

errrr yeah.

It so funny to see what time does to the way you look at the world (and yourself in it I suppose). You feel as if everything has changed and yet nothing has changed at the same time. I feel afraid and fearless. You know? I guess that's just crazy talk. Its fun to be in love in the summertime, especially with someone who you can really let your freak flag fly with. That's great, there should be more people like that.

What? No i didn't just say that.

ANYWAY. Back to work tomorrow at DAWN (god still hates me). Not another week! And I've had to go off my medication because of some random recent health issues. That's a whole 'nother story though.

My body is going CRAZY. My resting heart rate is apparently 125 bpm. This has my doctors worried, although I feel totally cool and normal. Just as a precaution they have me going off of my medication for a week to see if that effects my heart function or not. I almost hope it isn't that because facing the ordeal of sorting out new dosage on a new medication makes me want to give up on medication completely - which is a shame because some of it can be really helpful. And I refuse to let people throw any of that "you shouldn't have to take medication, you're polluting your body" bullshit on me, because I have a fucking deficiency you assholes and I don't like being moody and neither would you. Fuckers. I hate being judged.

ok debra, positive affirmations: if i judge no one, no one judges me and all is love, all is love, all is love...

(I'm trying)

omg i have got to sleep, tomorrow starts in only 6 hours!