Well as predicted, everything has completely fallen apart in my relationship. We are a step away from the break-up, I can smell it. It all depends on our conversation tomorrow and if it goes like I fear it might go, he will have given me no chance but to say goodbye.
I'm just so damn tired. Mentally, emotionally, physically exhausted. Its going to be a very long time until I date again. A very long time. It really could be years. I just can't trust anyone. I can't trust myself. I find someone I think is good for me, I start to fall in love with him and then WHAM!! He turns into someone else and completely blindsides me. I feel like I'm living in a fun house and as I turn each corner it just gets more and more warped and twisted until I'm dizzy and panicked, backed into a corner.
I was so depressed today after our huge blow-out last night, I laid in bed all day trying desperately to get some sleep to no avail. Luckily the promise of a much anticipated night with my two favorite girls on earth gave me courage and it was lovely, just as I thought it would be. You see? You can always count on your friends :) If it wasn't for them, I think I would lose faith in the whole world.
Sammy, you singing 'Papa was a Rolling Stone' put a big sincere smile on my face even though I'm sad.
I'm so so sad.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
How Bizarre
Well. Now I'm here in my new apartment in the real world life post-college, all on my own (since my roommate is out of town).
Weird.
It's like a strange sort of vacation, except you're not sure how you'll get home because you're out of money and have no plane ticket.
I had a very indulgent day yesterday.
My mom hung around until late afternoon of course, she can't just tidy up and leave quietly like a normal person. She has to stay until the last possible moment and then suddenly find 10 more things to do or take a bath or something. She spent the last couple of days organizing and arranging MY apartment to her liking. Then before she left she felt the need to take me around room by room and show me everything like some crazed obsessive compulsive realtor with a rage problem. I will now spend the next 4 days arranging everything to MY liking and probably messing some shit up just to spite her.
Yes, I'm petty. I don't deny it. I'm being indulgent remember?
So anyway, I took her to the train station - where she had too many bags to actually manoeuvre on the train by herself but she refused my help so I just quit and went home - and then rode back on the A train uptown and walked up my street to my apartment.
I closed the door and looked around.
It was so quiet. And the hallway is totally full of trash that I need to take out, and my bedding all needs to be washed, and I have to hang pictures and things and organize shelves and somehow fit everything else into three tiny closets. But this is it: my new life.
I emailed off my resume to a bunch of temp agencies.
Then I realized: I was alone in my new apartment and had no one to watch me or scold me or guilt me and I could do anything in the world I wanted and no one would ever know.
And you know what I did? I smoked a bowl and watched Grey's Anatomy (OH MY GOD for anyone who saw that episode I SOBBED THROUGH THE WHOLE LAST 10 MINUTES) and then I had a glass of wine and took a long hot shower with my music on in the bathroom. When I got out I danced around my room in my underwear and then had an earth-shattering orgasm.
And after all that I went about doing the things I needed to do. But god, it was such a blissful couple of hours, I could have cried I was so happy.
Now I have to do laundry in my sketchy laundry room. I hope I don't see any rats.
Weird.
It's like a strange sort of vacation, except you're not sure how you'll get home because you're out of money and have no plane ticket.
I had a very indulgent day yesterday.
My mom hung around until late afternoon of course, she can't just tidy up and leave quietly like a normal person. She has to stay until the last possible moment and then suddenly find 10 more things to do or take a bath or something. She spent the last couple of days organizing and arranging MY apartment to her liking. Then before she left she felt the need to take me around room by room and show me everything like some crazed obsessive compulsive realtor with a rage problem. I will now spend the next 4 days arranging everything to MY liking and probably messing some shit up just to spite her.
Yes, I'm petty. I don't deny it. I'm being indulgent remember?
So anyway, I took her to the train station - where she had too many bags to actually manoeuvre on the train by herself but she refused my help so I just quit and went home - and then rode back on the A train uptown and walked up my street to my apartment.
I closed the door and looked around.
It was so quiet. And the hallway is totally full of trash that I need to take out, and my bedding all needs to be washed, and I have to hang pictures and things and organize shelves and somehow fit everything else into three tiny closets. But this is it: my new life.
I emailed off my resume to a bunch of temp agencies.
Then I realized: I was alone in my new apartment and had no one to watch me or scold me or guilt me and I could do anything in the world I wanted and no one would ever know.
And you know what I did? I smoked a bowl and watched Grey's Anatomy (OH MY GOD for anyone who saw that episode I SOBBED THROUGH THE WHOLE LAST 10 MINUTES) and then I had a glass of wine and took a long hot shower with my music on in the bathroom. When I got out I danced around my room in my underwear and then had an earth-shattering orgasm.
And after all that I went about doing the things I needed to do. But god, it was such a blissful couple of hours, I could have cried I was so happy.
Now I have to do laundry in my sketchy laundry room. I hope I don't see any rats.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Weekend Update (ho ho! a joke!)
So just to avoid keeping you all in suspense (all of my readers, who are many and diverse): I finished that damned paper. Worst thing ever, but 25 pages and therefore passable. I put it in the very hands of my professor and I kindly reminded him before I did of the conversation we had at the beginning of the semester during which he told me that 'even if your work isn't up to your usual standard, I think it will be just fine.' After that I spent the day going over the details of buying furniture and moving with my mother and then went to sleep hardcore. Unfortunately that little all-nighter I pulled cost me bigtime and I have been suffering from a pretty bad case of viral sinusitis ever since. I'll save you the gory details but suffice it to say that I'm pretty laid up and yet forced to push myself to the limits regardless.
But anyway.
My life is now annoyingly consumed by moving into my new apartment, yet my sheer excitement over said new apartment is enough to motivate me. Well, that and the knowledge that I graduate this weekend - which means my mother leaves on the 19th and I'll have my life back!!!!! Oh my god!!!! I can't tell you how excited I am, it's like being freed from prison, only minus the cavity search (although she is alarmingly meticulous in her inspection of EVERYTHING I do/own, so really is comparable)
After my parents are gone, my only plans are sickeningly fun and lovely things. Living in my new place, spending time with my friends, going on weekend trips with Alex, coming home for Sammy's wedding with Meg (and possibly Greg), being a real person. of course I have to get a job. Blech. But whatever, it happens, I've worked a just-for-$$ job before and I can do it again. Once the summer's over I'll consider getting an actual job that I doesn't bore a hole in my brain but until then, I want NO responsibilities. Yup. You heard me.
I want to enjoy myself for once.
But anyway.
My life is now annoyingly consumed by moving into my new apartment, yet my sheer excitement over said new apartment is enough to motivate me. Well, that and the knowledge that I graduate this weekend - which means my mother leaves on the 19th and I'll have my life back!!!!! Oh my god!!!! I can't tell you how excited I am, it's like being freed from prison, only minus the cavity search (although she is alarmingly meticulous in her inspection of EVERYTHING I do/own, so really is comparable)
After my parents are gone, my only plans are sickeningly fun and lovely things. Living in my new place, spending time with my friends, going on weekend trips with Alex, coming home for Sammy's wedding with Meg (and possibly Greg), being a real person. of course I have to get a job. Blech. But whatever, it happens, I've worked a just-for-$$ job before and I can do it again. Once the summer's over I'll consider getting an actual job that I doesn't bore a hole in my brain but until then, I want NO responsibilities. Yup. You heard me.
I want to enjoy myself for once.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Oh no!
Disaster! Have got to 20 pages and realize have nothing left to say.
That means I must do more reading.
So unprepared.
To console self, just ate celery sticks, peanut butter, and a baked potato. Listen, I don't know. It's 1:36am. I haven't been outside in two days.
I got so close and yet turned out to be so far away.
Le sigh.
Ok I am definitely losing it.
That means I must do more reading.
So unprepared.
To console self, just ate celery sticks, peanut butter, and a baked potato. Listen, I don't know. It's 1:36am. I haven't been outside in two days.
I got so close and yet turned out to be so far away.
Le sigh.
Ok I am definitely losing it.
Monday, May 05, 2008
GAH!
Frantically now have written 15 pages and can feel myself slowing down.
MUST...CONTINUE...WRITING...BORING...SLUDGE...OR...WILL...
DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
MUST...CONTINUE...WRITING...BORING...SLUDGE...OR...WILL...
DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Ugh KILL ME
Well I've done it again, left it all down to the wire. I knew I would but I was kind of hoping that maybe, just maybe, JUST ONCE I would be able to do things like a regular person.
But no. I have 5 pages of a 30 page paper done, a paper that is due on tuesday. So effectively, tomorrow. And it MUST be done on tuesday.
I can do it. It is possible. But I will have to push myself really very hard and I am so not good at that. I mean obviously. Or this wouldn't be a problem.
This is all compounded by the fact that it is officially the most uninteresting boring project ever to be assigned. Seriously. Even the men who spend their lives (oh and they are ALL men of course) writing about this stuff know that its the dreariest topic on the face of the earth. Example: I found the following sentence in the preface to 'The Elizabethan Conquest of Ireland: A Pattern Established 1565-1576' by Nicholas Canny:
"In the short term I will be more than satisfied if my critics judge me to have answered Professor Sir John Neale who once challenged me 'to make sixteenth century Ireland interesting.'"
If fucking Nicholas sodded Canny is saying that, he who wrote what must be thousands of pages on that very topic, than I know that I am not just an ignorant american. This shit is INTERMINABLE. They should read it to rapists in prison until they go insane.
Oh my god. It is awful. I wish I was dead.
I have my first professional meeting tomorrow as an actor and I wish I was dead. Perfect. My career is getting off to a fabulous start.
Ok, enough stalling.
But no. I have 5 pages of a 30 page paper done, a paper that is due on tuesday. So effectively, tomorrow. And it MUST be done on tuesday.
I can do it. It is possible. But I will have to push myself really very hard and I am so not good at that. I mean obviously. Or this wouldn't be a problem.
This is all compounded by the fact that it is officially the most uninteresting boring project ever to be assigned. Seriously. Even the men who spend their lives (oh and they are ALL men of course) writing about this stuff know that its the dreariest topic on the face of the earth. Example: I found the following sentence in the preface to 'The Elizabethan Conquest of Ireland: A Pattern Established 1565-1576' by Nicholas Canny:
"In the short term I will be more than satisfied if my critics judge me to have answered Professor Sir John Neale who once challenged me 'to make sixteenth century Ireland interesting.'"
If fucking Nicholas sodded Canny is saying that, he who wrote what must be thousands of pages on that very topic, than I know that I am not just an ignorant american. This shit is INTERMINABLE. They should read it to rapists in prison until they go insane.
Oh my god. It is awful. I wish I was dead.
I have my first professional meeting tomorrow as an actor and I wish I was dead. Perfect. My career is getting off to a fabulous start.
Ok, enough stalling.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Girls of Summer
It is raining in New York, it has been for days. I must finish my thesis by tuesday at the very latest so the rest of my weekend and monday will be spent in a mad semantic-drowned scramble to the finish line. I don't even care if it's awful, I just want it OVER WITH.
Showcase was a blast and it went really well I think. It was all over so quickly. It was sort of like Christmas usually is for me, the racing around and stressing out that starts when I get home on the 23rd and then ends definitively two days later. We spent all of sunday in the theater teching the show, from noon to midnight. Then the show ran for two short nights and then...it was over. I had been obsessing about that moment for years and it all ended in a flash, as it usually goes I suppose. Life is funny that way. Everytime I make a big deal out of anything it ends up slipping by just like any old thing. On wednesday we had the directing 3 projetcs, the Three Sisters scenes, which went well I think. My last sweet moment on the fordham stage. Finit enfin! Tralala! I had woken up that morning a little depressed. The post-show slump, feeling myself very much on the way out into the great unknown.
And now I'm stuck in my room, which is still fully my room, I haven't begun packing a bit. My roomates are moving this weekend up to their apartment in the heights, just a few blocks from mine.
I promised myself I wouldn't start anything else until I'd finished my thesis - that would have been just like me, to take up a new project before I'd finished the first one. And since the thesis is required for me to graduate - well, it takes first priority. Plus I'm not actually kicked out of my current place until the 18th at noon. And my bed doesn't arrive uptown until the 10th. I've got to paint the room before anything arrives. I picked a color - 'cafe royal'. It looks just like coffee with cream in it - delicious. I can't wait to get set up. Cook in my new kitchen.
All waits on the thesis. I have 3 pages of the projected 40, although I'm not gonna lie, I may just stop after 30. Who wants to write 40 pages about identity politics in the 16th century british isles? That's right. No one. Because it's boring.
I wish it wasn't raining but at least I'm not being called outside and jealous of the sunshine. There is no sunshine, just gloomy misty gray.
Oh! I got a call from the casting assistant at Guiding Light from showcase (I'm hoping its the first of many calls, but that may be a fruitless wish). I have a short interview on monday in which I will be beautiful, witty, and enchanting. Grace, my vocal teacher (of the Fitzmaurice bent) urged me to apply for grad school in the fall saying 'you've really got something there'. I was extremely flattered/ considered asking, "why, can you get me into Yale?" I'm considering it. Not quite sure if I'm ready to go back to school. I mean, I'm not even really out yet. I can't make that decision. Plus, what if I had to move? I just found an apartment.
Anyway. Off to work I go. Bored out of my mind.
Showcase was a blast and it went really well I think. It was all over so quickly. It was sort of like Christmas usually is for me, the racing around and stressing out that starts when I get home on the 23rd and then ends definitively two days later. We spent all of sunday in the theater teching the show, from noon to midnight. Then the show ran for two short nights and then...it was over. I had been obsessing about that moment for years and it all ended in a flash, as it usually goes I suppose. Life is funny that way. Everytime I make a big deal out of anything it ends up slipping by just like any old thing. On wednesday we had the directing 3 projetcs, the Three Sisters scenes, which went well I think. My last sweet moment on the fordham stage. Finit enfin! Tralala! I had woken up that morning a little depressed. The post-show slump, feeling myself very much on the way out into the great unknown.
And now I'm stuck in my room, which is still fully my room, I haven't begun packing a bit. My roomates are moving this weekend up to their apartment in the heights, just a few blocks from mine.
I promised myself I wouldn't start anything else until I'd finished my thesis - that would have been just like me, to take up a new project before I'd finished the first one. And since the thesis is required for me to graduate - well, it takes first priority. Plus I'm not actually kicked out of my current place until the 18th at noon. And my bed doesn't arrive uptown until the 10th. I've got to paint the room before anything arrives. I picked a color - 'cafe royal'. It looks just like coffee with cream in it - delicious. I can't wait to get set up. Cook in my new kitchen.
All waits on the thesis. I have 3 pages of the projected 40, although I'm not gonna lie, I may just stop after 30. Who wants to write 40 pages about identity politics in the 16th century british isles? That's right. No one. Because it's boring.
I wish it wasn't raining but at least I'm not being called outside and jealous of the sunshine. There is no sunshine, just gloomy misty gray.
Oh! I got a call from the casting assistant at Guiding Light from showcase (I'm hoping its the first of many calls, but that may be a fruitless wish). I have a short interview on monday in which I will be beautiful, witty, and enchanting. Grace, my vocal teacher (of the Fitzmaurice bent) urged me to apply for grad school in the fall saying 'you've really got something there'. I was extremely flattered/ considered asking, "why, can you get me into Yale?" I'm considering it. Not quite sure if I'm ready to go back to school. I mean, I'm not even really out yet. I can't make that decision. Plus, what if I had to move? I just found an apartment.
Anyway. Off to work I go. Bored out of my mind.
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