Je Suis Berenice

C'est moi seul aussi qui pouvais me détruire
Je pouvais vivre alors et me laisser séduire;
Mon coeur se garder bien d'aller dans l'avenir
Chercher à ce qui pouvait un jour nous désunir.
Je voulais qu'à mes voeux rien ne fût invincible,
J'examinais rien, j'espérais l'impossible,
Que sais-je? J'espérais de mourir à vos yeux,
avant que d'en venir à ces cruels adieux.

Cette bouche à mes yeux s'avouant infidèle,
M'ordonnât elle-même une absence éternelle.
Moi-même j'ai voulu vous entendre en ce lieu.
Je n'écoute plus rien. Et pour jamais: adieu
Pour jamais! Ah! Seigneur, songez-vous en vous-même
Combien ce mot cruel est affreux quand on aime?
Dans un mois, dans un an, comment soufrirons-nous,
Seigneur, que tant de mers me séparent de vous?
Que le jour recommence et que le jour finisse,
sand que jamais Titus puisse voir Bérénice,
Sans que tout le jour je puisse voir Titus?
Mais quelle est mon erreur, et que de soins perdus!

Que dis-je? En ce moment mon coeur, hors de lui-même,
S'oublie, et se souvient seulement qu'il vous aime.

Slump City

I'm in an awful slump. In every way.
I'm uninspired and bored and lonely.
The only fun I've really had in the last two weeks is popping bubble-wrap and watching hours of Without A Trace.

I just feel like I'm sleep-walking through my life. I don't get excited about anything, all I do all day long is listen. Listen to other people stories and problems and ideas and beliefs and lessons and I step farther and farther away from myself. Its an awful feeling, and it makes me resentful and angry. But I'm so stifled that it all gets pushed down down down somewhere where all that resentment and anger and sadness hides and then comes out in vocal lab when I have nervous breakdowns in front of the entire class.

I should probably be in therapy but I can't afford it.

My dad is going to accept a new job; with a huge pay-cut of course. My mom is gonna have to go back to work. She doesn't get to go to her therapist every week anymore. Things are rotten at home, my dad exploded at her again. My sister has dissappeared off the face of the planet. I am completely frustrated and bored at school. My acting teacher doesn't know my name. I am unremarkable in all of my other classes. Everyone around me is getting on my nerves. I'm eating everything in sight and obsessing about my weight at the same time. My sex life is non-existant, and I don't know when or if my boyfriend is coming to visit soon. And to top it all off, my Dad's new company won't pay for my anxiety medication. Which means I can look forward to feeling like this for a long long time.

Its 2:15am and I have to work tomorrow. I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I feel frozen and floating away. I smoked and drank and did everything I could think of. I don't know how to thaw out. I forget how tap into that real place. I just woke up and felt paralyzed. What is going on?

Dilemma

Alright so I have a major dilemma.

I could work tomorrow and friday and make another $400, which would be amazing. I mean, I could fly to france for $400. It probably wouldn't end up going to that, I mean, I don't really have time to go to france anyway, except for this summer I mean. But ohhh would that money be nice. So so nice.

BUT I've got lots to do for endgame, and just life-stuff to do. Like laundry and normal people things. I could spend these two days getting serious Endgame shit done, it would be sooooo good.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll compromise and come in on friday and then spend tomorrow on Endgame.

Life is hard.

Brrrrrrr!!

Its cold in here!
How did the temperature fall from a daily high of 68 to a daily high of freezing fucking cold in two days? Its winter, legitimately, its freaking me out. I'm not ready for that bone-chilling new-england cold. I'm not ready yet!! Nooooo!

What an exhausting week. Had two term papers to complete, one due on tuesday and one due on wednesday. I tried to pull two all nighters in a row, but seeing as how I have enough trouble pulling a single, a double was absolutely impossible. I managed to sleep a couple of hours both nights. Still not enough. And then I headed into the end of my week with no energy at all. I got my pay check (YES!!!!!!!!!) at Cohn Dutcher, that was exciting. I'm not gonna say I had a great time, but considering the work, I don't think it could possible have been any better. It was nice to be around fun people with real lives that aren't caught up in fordham-theatre-social bullshit. Let's all breath a collective sigh of relief at that one.

Subsequently, I have been shopping online trying to decide on what nice thing to buy myself as a splurge. We all need to endulge ourselves sometime! I haven't decided yet...a really fun pair of boots or pretty underthings...hmmmmm. Hard decision. I think I'm just gonna ask for that for christmas. This year I'm not letting my mom buy me a million little things. I'm just gonna ask for the unabridged diaries of Anaïs Nin and these boots that I want, and that's all. Seriously, she gives me enough.

My dad is narrowing down his job choices. Praise the lord he's had plenty of offers. One job pays very well but it would require him traveling quite a bit, so its just like the job he just had. Only you know, the people at the company aren't completely incompetent (hopefully). The other one is working as an office manager and salesman at a firm in my hometown, so he would be home every single night. Which is WEIRD for him. I realize that's normal for everyone else, but for the last 30 years he has been traveling all the time for work and pretty much only home on the weekends. I'm not sure he really realized what that's gonna be like, to be home every night. He says he feels like he "owes it to mom" but really, I feel like that could make them fight even more. Because even seeing eachother only on the weekends is causing problems, I mean clearly, there is a lot of shit to work on he is not facing. I'm not sure having to face that you're not facing it more would be a good thing or a bad thing.
Ultimately my mom and I both told him we want him to make the decision for himself and whatever he chooses will be fine. My mom will probably have to go back to work if he takes the non-traveling job. That would be weird, but who knows, maybe it would be good for her.

God my room is freezing!! Fordham hasn't agreed to turn on the heat yet. Because they are giant assholes. Its SO COLD in my room, last night I was shivering and my teeth were chattering, it was awful. I can't wait to move out of this ridiculous building, which if I don't make RA, I will get to do this spring!! Scary but exciting...if I only had money to get a nice apartment.

I haven't heard from Hervé in over a week :( I miss him, I worry about him too much. I know its crazy but I keep imagining him meeting someone else and never speaking to me again. God that would be awful. Cherie, si tu es en train de lire cela, m'écris un email, j'ai trop hâte d'avoir tes nouvelles!

Busybody rehearsals have started as well, we had our read-through which was ummmmmmmm ok. We've been doing lots of clown exercises which have been great, and I really hope people bring that to their work. This play will just be a disaster if we let it be boring. Well I shouldn't say we, I have nothing to worry about at all, my character waltzes on in a low-cut dress, jiggles around being slutty for ten minutes and then dissapears. Done and done. I'm excited. But I would hate for the play to fail, that's never fun.

I like the director a lot, she's also our theatre history teacher. She's cooky but really smart and I think she's got a sharp eye for what she wants, she's really cracking down on people. I just hope she gets results, some people are working on some major changes.

I've been a complete Hermit lately, I don't go out. I pretty much crash when I get home, or I sit up talking to Morgan.
I'm feeling those familiar lonely feelings, I don't know why they descend on me but they do. I just extract myself from the real present relationships in my life. Maybe its a defense mechanism. I'm also super uncomfortable with my laziness lately I need to hit the gym people!

OH and on an incredibly angering note: turns out my insurance doesn't pay for ANY kind of birth control except TUBAL LIGATION. That means getting your TUBES TIED. Can you believe that?! How fucking neo-christian right-wing patriarchal bullshit is that?! EVERYONE's fucking insurance covers birth control!! So I'm basically fucked because my birth control is on the pricey side because its a new special kind (Mara, you know what I'm talking about) so its like 50 bucks. I can't afford that every month, please. I may end up having to go on a different method that's cheaper. Its fucked. I hate men.
Its all so ridiculous because if I actually got pregnant, my medical bills for all the pre-natal check-ups and ultrasounds and shit would be so much. It doesn't even make fiscal sense for the insurance company not to pay birth control! A pox on them, I say.

My Slice of Life is a little stale

So I woke up early this morning, showered, got on the subway, got to work, clipped, filed and scanned until 2, ate lunch, clipped filed and scanned some more. I leave in about half an hour. I go straight to rehearsal, which I will get out of hopefully at 10pm so I can have a drink with some family friends who are in town.

Is this what the real world is like? Wake up, work boring job, got straight to rehearsal and exhaust yourself until 11pm, then try and have a social life for two hours before you drop dead, knowing you'll get up in 6 hours and do the same thing all over again? Where is a personal life supposed to fit into this? I'm supposed to get home at 11 and somehow be able to sustain a relationship on the half hour left before we both go to bed? This is impossible!

See, this is why I will be alone for the rest of my life. A man would have to really really love me and know that a hectic schedule like that was short-term to want to stick it out. Even my boyfriend who is the patient, kind, generous person maybe on the planet.

doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom

Midterms: Update

Delicious midterms have arrived, which means I have two term papers due, one on tuesday and one on wednesday. And when am I going to write them? Monday of course! That's what that day is for!! Well that and the Macy's sale, but with the current state of my bank account its much better that I spend that time studying...yeah...

I realized this weekend, I have become a moderately boring person. I like to be alone a lot. And I don't go out very much, I mean besides just out with friends. I never go clubbing or to museums even or really anything. I pretty much only go out when I'm dragged out. That is bizarre.

Also, my insurance company won't pay for my birth control. Fuckers.

I find it disheartening that so many of my good friends who are writers, most of them men, really have trouble writing females. I was even a little offended, not that the writing is particularly mysoginist, but they just don't write women as human beings. If they wrote women the way they wrote men, everything would be fine. But instead they get the treatment of charicatures, these creations with random emotions who make arbitrary choices, they don't have human complications just like the male characters do. Its just not that simple! Clearly, men and women are not the same. But we're not THAT different. The human condition still applies to us, we still deal with it just the way you do.
I just find this frustrating, I don't want to spend the rest of my career playing characters who I have to fight to relate to.

I've been looking into what I would need to get a teaching job in france someday. I've been thinking about it a lot. I mean no matter what I decide to do, the point is gonna come where I do have to choose something. I don't want to float around forever working a job I hate and doing nothing that fulfills me in a city I don't love, putting myself into debt.
After I graduate from school, I'll stay in New York for a couple of years, and then I have got to decide. And let me tell you, lately France has been looking like an awfully nice choice. I just wish i could do theatre there, if I could really act there, I would do it. But I feel like choosing France is giving that up and I would regret doing that. Maybe, I think. I don't know. Sometimes I wish I didn't really love this, it would make everything a lot easier.

Well i've got to get together rehearsal costumes for Endgame. I have to go to the store to do that though, and my pajamas are reeeeeally comfortable...hmm...

One Way Ticket

Um...where's my boyfriend?

I think I'll move to France. It was nice knowing you all.

Bye!

More Late Night Posts!

These next two weeks are gonna be intense. The rest of this week will include this job I'm doing for Katie, which I start tomorrow afternoon. After a full day of Acting class in the early morning, Civil war class, and then vocal lab where hopefully we won't see a repeat of my lovely demonstration last week. If that happens again, I'm going straight to therapy.

I have noticed that my emotional life, which is always harrowing at best, has been really close to the surface lately. I've been trying to take my anxiety meds more regularly, which always seems to help. Not sure why this has become such a problem lately, maybe its the birth control. Its nothing terrible I guess, I just hope its not a symptom of some big scary breakdown to come. All I know is I was nearly gonna scream today in draping because I couldn't get this pin through my dress form...that's pretty unstable. Michelle (prof) was like, "Deb. You're frustration is way too big for this room." Its true. And then we reminisced about the time when she was goofing arounf with me before my final critique for her design class and I burst into tears. And I realized all of a sudden: she thinks I'm completely nuts.

Maybe its true.

Anyhow, this long weekend will hardly be a break, I've got two papers due next week, tuesday and wednesday, and I'll be working all weekend on Katie's project too. Plus there's rehearsing for acting, and I've got to start combing Salvation Army's fo Endgame pieces. Under no circumstances do i want to put that shit off.

I was hoping maybe these two difficult weeks would end with a visit from my boyfriend, but that seems less and less likely. Sigh. I hope I see him soon. I'm not sure how he's doing, sometimes I think he doesn't want me to worry so tries to put things as positively as possible. And yes I realize you are probably reading this :) Hehe.

See? Everyone who knows me thinks I am completely unstable. Maybe I should examine this.

Orrrrrrrr maybe I'll just go to sleep!

gnight y'all

More Sick Days

Spent most of the day in bed today, trying not to feel nauseous. I managed to keep down three meals though, and I'm doing my best to drink lots of fluids. Also, popsicles are the best things ever. I don't know why I eat popsicles when I'm sick, I just do. I think my mom used to give them to me when I had sore throats, maybe its just out of habit. Mmm, I could go for a popsicle right now. I probably shouldn't eat one in bed though...that spells disaster. That reminds me, I need to wash these sheets, they're probably covered in germs.

I also tried to watch about 4 movies today but I kept getting frustrated, because I've seen all of my movies before. I ended up watching 3 episodes of Law&Order, and most of the Fugitive, with Harrison Ford. I love him, he's so comforting to me. He's just so decent and father-like. And as Indiana Jones he saves the world and beats the bad guys to important magical artifacts, how cool is that? Maybe he reminds me a little bit of what my image of my own father used to be like, before I knew what my father actually was like. Talk about your dissapointments.

You know what I love about New York City? You can lay in your bed at any hour of the day or night and still hear at least 4 taxi's honking at each other. Fabulous. Especially, when you're feeling stuffed up and head-achy.

I also spent a good deal of time writing out my schedule for the next two weeks, and I slowly realized how much shit I have to do. I've got a bunch of papers and deadlines, this project I'm doing for katie (at least I'm getting paid for that)...strange. I think once midterms are over though, things should be pretty calm.

I love getting emails :) I love going to bed smiling, I love....well you know who you are.

Its late, and I'm not tired. I've been sleeping on and off all day. I don't know if I'll feel better tomorrow, or worse. Qu'est-ce que vous pensez, hein? I guess I'll lay my head down on the pillow and see what comes. God knows I can't stomach another movie.

Bonne nuit à tous
Here's hoping I feel better tomorrow!