Hiccup

Ok, I know I'm trying to start this new positive outlook on life but I forgot when I said that, that I'm an actor. Which in case you did not know, is the worst profession on the face of the earth.
I haven't had a professional experience in which I felt engaged and stretched OR felt passionate about SINCE 2006. TWO YEARS AGO.

I feel completely invisible. Or worse. I feel thrown away.

I don't know how to describe it and no one can be sympathetic because they all say some really helpful variation on if you can't take the heat get out of the fire. Matthew McGuire echoes inside my head "there are some fish who swim along and you know they're gonna make it downstream and then there are others who you see struggling against the current..."

I just don't know what else I can do. There HAS to be an answer. There has to be a reason why I get callbacks but NEVER EVER the part. I am begging someone to explain this to me, what I am doing wrong. I'm not even out of college yet! This should not be so hard already! I feel ridiculous, I feel like the butt of a joke. Am I really terrible and no one wants to tell me? I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality!

I feel like a pencil mark someone erased.

And now I have to go run a rehearsal.

FUCK ME.

Me and Kosovo

So first of all, big headline today, Kosovo (well the albanian ethnic majority) has declared its independence from Serbia. Watch out my friends, this could cause some serious ripples in what's left of the whole post-soviet baltic conflict. We could see some action in Moldovia and Georgia. Not to mention the Serbs who are pissed off, but they know if they retaliate militarily they will be nailed to the wall by most of the western world (excluding russia of course).
If you want some albeit biased but still engaging background on the conflict you should check out the audio slide show on nytimes.com called 'Endgame in Kosovo'. I tried to put the link up here but when I copy and pasted, my computer did the electronic equivalent of a blank stare at me, so that didn't work out.

I decided I am also making a new start and I'd like to write it down, so that when all this progress goes right out the window, I can refer back to this post and try to remember what it felt like. I am declaring my independence from regret. My freedom from dwelling over the past. Mistakes are made, shit happens, and the more time you let yourself get caught up in it, caught up in blame and judgement, caught up in inexpressible anger, the more you weigh yourself down. I was starting to not feel like myself, I could feel it when I went out and met new people, I felt like I couldn't speak because everything natural felt completely stifled. I felt strangled.
Now I don't feel that way, and its all about letting go. Learn from it and let go. That's my new mantra. ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Its almost March?!

Wow, I was updating my calender today and I nearly had a heart-attack. How is time flying by so quickly! Everyone tells you it will and you intellectually know it will but in less than two weeks it will be march. That is CRAZY. Wasn't it january yesterday?

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed! Thank goodness I have a 3-day weekend.

The V-Day gala was amazing, Glenn Close and Jane Fonda performed. And Brooke Shields, who seemed a little crazy but then again she is a scientologist so...saw that one coming a mile away. Leslie and I had a blast. We held hands during all the speakers and kept turning to each other and saying, "this is so beautiful". The martinis helped. And I'm pretty sure I gave my phone number to every lesbian in the greater city of New York.

I'm hoping for a huge turn-out for our production, we shall see. The fact that we even have to fight to perform it is the very reason we do it, so that's the ultimate goal: just to have fun and celebrate. Rehearsals are eating my life, it will be a huge relief when this whole production is over, but I'm grateful I got the opportunity to get involved.

I'm boring today. Time for the gym.

Long live February!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Man, I feel great today.

Well I'm still sick. And my ass is really sore from those lunges yesterday. But anyway.

I feel great. I've had a super productive morning, I got a bunch of shit done. And I got free lunch at Club Day. I'm currently finishing up my reading for class tomorrow before I head to vocal lab, so when I get home I can just change and shower and go. I get to wear my new purple dress. And I know my mom sent me a Valentine's package which is waiting for me downstairs right now.

I also had a very unexpected phone conversation last night which, to spare you the gory details, left me feeling about 20 lbs lighter and really proud of myself for how much progress I hadn't realized I had made. I hope it didn't derail the path I was on, I hope I don't relapse into those negative thoughts again, but I don't think I will. I think I've been really healthy about putting the negativity behind me and surrendering my judgements and cynicism and compulsive destructive thought-patterns. I was starting to doubt whether I was capable of that, but I learned last night that I am. I feel great about it. So great that it almost seems a little surreal. We'll see if that all collapses. I'll keep you posted.

Tonight is the V-Day Gala downtown, so I get to start drinking at 6:30, be fed delicious food, hear interesting brilliant/famous people talk about feminism, then dance the night away and drink more with a bunch of cool chicks and some gay men maybe! And its all free for me!

Fabulous.

This is gonna be the best Valentine's Day ever!

Intermezzo

Whenever I need to relax and meditate a little, I put my big noise-blocking headphones on and I listen to the Budapest Phil play the Intermezzo from Mascagni's Cavalleria Rusticana.

That's what I'm doing as we speak. And I'm watching the sunset over the Hudson and mid-town manhattan.

I've pretty much had about six mini-meltdowns in the last few days from all the stress of directing for the first time, dealing with logistics surrounding the production (scheduling etc), getting ready for my headshots, making doctor's appointments, sending things off for Valentine's day, school, all of my classes, my two theses, working out, eating, laundry, sleeping...I'd been sleeping terribly. It just felt like an avalanche coming down on top of me.

Luckily, one of my roomates is a famous micro-manager, so she helped me make lots of lists. I still had a lot to do, but at least it was written down and not rolling around like loose marbles in my skull. Plus there is nothing like the simple satisfaction of crossing things off your list. Yessssss.

I still have a million things to do. I have about 4 books to read for classes, things I already should have done and now I need to catch up on. I have to see three different doctors this week for various reasons. I need to find some killer scenes for senior audition. My headshots are supposed to be on wednesday, we'll see if the weather warms up. Somehow I will find a way, even though I have class all day long and rehearsal all night long.

I'm really pumped for Valentine's day. I get to go to this fancy benefit dinner for V-Day for free and its a thousand-dollar-a-plate affair. Plus Eve Ensler, Jane Fonda, and a bunch of people are speaking. Free cocktails, free food, then more cocktails, and then dancing at the Hammerstein Ballroom. I'm REALLY looking forward to it.
I'll keep you posted on all the fabulous famous people I meet whilst dressed to the nines and extremely drunk and giddy.

I hope there's champagne!

What's a Weekend?

Today after my roomates watched me burst into tears AGAIN they helped me make an itemized and time specific to-do list.

I will be going going going from 10am tomorrow until 4 am on sunday. And that's just saturday's to-do list.

Goodbye sanity!


In related news, February is the cruelest month known to man.

The Birds & The Bees

In the gym today I casually picked up the Newsweek and was immediately pulled into a fascinating article about the evolutionary and scientific paradigms about romance, love & sex.

I eat that stuff up like candy, so I had actually read a lot of it before but there were a few things I found particularly intriguing and hilarious.

There was one section about how we choose mates by recognizing through specific olfactory signals that our mate is enough unlike us genetically to guarantee a viable pregnancy. It went on to say that being on birth control, and the hormonal fluctuations characteristic of this, pervert a woman's ability to correctly receive those signals.

I had a moment - mid squat rep - where I thought to myself, "well, that explains everything." And then I had a good chuckle to myself in a public place - but it was ok, because they were all listening to their iPods.

All my heartache because of birth control.

If anything helped me stop feeling so damn sorry for myself, it was that. This is a two-sided coin. It would just be easier to believe that if I wasn't the only one without, oh I don't know, pictures of me and my new guy/girl half-naked on top of me on my myspace page. For example. Totally random.

I had a discussion with my friend Drew about why New Yorkers are neurotic.
Because they always think about the future and try to grab it by the throat, they unconsciously alienate themselves from all present reality. Which of course further propels the anxiety - its a cleverly self-sustaining system. No wonder everyone thinks we're always in a hurry.
Well mostly Drew said it and I said, "whoa...yeah, huh?" Clearly I haven't quite caught on just yet. But I can absolutely contribute my share of neuroses.

Its funny that one day, probably by the time I have children, they will be able to isolate all the compounds that give me whatever anxiety or compulsive disorder or chemical defecit that I have. They will be able to isolate them and then to remove those mutations from my children's genes.

I think I wouldn't.
I think that would be a shame.

I love Kate Nash.