The Rules of Me

I spent some time tonight reflecting. I read through a lot of my journaling and old writing and was just thinking about the past. You know, who I was and who I've become. Particularly as it pertains to my relationships, since that's primarily how I define my life (I recently realized that not everyone does this - I know, crazy).

It all started because I was sorting through old music and came across one of those songs that just DEFINES a period of your life. In this case it was a song I came to associate with a certain person who I fell for a few years back. The whole thing was short lived because it was right before I left the country and it's a complicated story and nothing terribly sordid happened. Just a lot of wasted frustrations that I now can see were terribly terribly sweet. A sweet little affair, full of poetry and secrets. So much poetry, god, it makes me smile to think of it now. And alcohol and late nights and telling each other all of our deepest darkest secrets.

Earlier today too, something reminded me of Seattle and I got totally lost in memories. Not like childhood memories, but the handful of adult memories of the couple of relationships I had there. They were summer relationships too, which are the most achingly tender. Burnt by the sun.

It really makes my heart just ache. I listen to those songs and I remember those boys and the way it felt to look into their faces when the highs were at their highest. To feel the wonder at the person that I was to them. The Debra that they looked at, touched, embraced. Who is that girl?

So much poetry. That's why I date so many alcoholics I think. I need it.

In case you're curious:
"Me & Bobby McGee" Janis Joplin, which then leads to many other places.
"My Moon, My Man" Feist. That whole album actually.
"It's The Night Time" Josh Rouse
and on and on and on...

ahem.

"There is no body of evidence available from controlled trials to indicate how long the patient with ADHD should be treated with CONCERTA®. It is generally agreed, however, that pharmacological treatment of ADHD may be needed for extended periods.

The effectiveness of CONCERTA® for long-term use, i.e., for more than 7 weeks, has not been systematically evaluated in controlled trials. The physician who elects to use CONCERTA® for extended periods in patients with ADHD should periodically re-evaluate the long-term usefulness of the drug for the individual patient with trials off medication to assess the functioning without pharmacotherapy. Improvement may be sustained when the drug is either temporarily or permanently discontinued."


So just to clarify: the treatment of my disorder may require long-term pharmacological treatment. However, we have no idea if these pharmacological treatments continue to be effective over a long-term period of time. In fact after 7 weeks (that's not even 2 months) effectiveness is clinically unknown and purely anecdotal.

I have been taking 36mg of Concerta every single day for the last 6 years of my life. Six years. Concerta is a sustained-release compound methylphenidate. It's more or less an amphetamine. That's speed, for the lamens out there.

I just feel like, what is the point? What is the point of all this? Telling me my disorder doesn't exist. Telling me my treatment options are unsafe.

I have no options.