Sunday, September 30, 2007


I've attempted to write an entry several times, and I have such anxiety about things I shouldn't write, or things being too innane/psychotic to write, this is all I can manage, self-consciousness aside: (a link wouldn't work, I don't know why)

why have I been feeling like I need to censor myself? Where is that impulse coming from? Why do I get so ashamed of myself and insecure? I feel like I've been knocked off my pedestal and am fighting to get back on top of it.


And in case you're thinking, "wow, you see? She's so aware of her issues, so she won't keeping those for long," don't get ahead of yourself. Turns out that being self-aware doesn't make you less neurotic. It makes your neuroses more sophisticated.

I'm a gifted genius when it comes to insecurity.

I'm so advanced!

anyway, you should check that link, I found it while browsing wikipedia (one of my favorite hobbies) and it's hilarious

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Blink of an eye

Today we got an email from our senior audition teacher. She apologized for being unresponsive to our emails (we're sending her stuff for class) and explained that after class last week she had a message from a State Trooper saying her husband had been involved in a fatal car accident and that he had been killed.

I can't even imagine. One second and your life is one thing and then a split second later your life is torn into pieces so fine you can't make it out anymore. I would lose my mind with grief. Imagine you start your day, you wake up next to your husband of what I assume is many years, you get ready, you say "see you later" and that afternoon some stranger calls and tells you that your husband is gone and you will never see him again and there is nothing you can do and you have to face it.

I really think my mind would crack, I'd probably end up in some psych ward somewhere. God, and I'm sure she has kids too. Jesus Christ.

I don't know why it hit me so hard but I've been feeling really out of it all day. I was just seized with this fear of something horrible happening to someone I love. I could hardly concentrate in class. I couldn't be present at all in vocal tech because I knew I would just cry my eyes out.

My dad got one of those calls. From the State Trooper. When I had my accident. I mean, we weren't dead, but still. I can't imagine. Even my father who "doesn't need emotions" must have been so...scared.
He called me twice today, just to chat. I know I should talk to him but it just feels so staged. I know it would make him feel better, even if it makes me feel worse, I should probably just bite the bullet.
I don't understand that man. I don't understand who he is. I just don't want to be dissapointed over and over again. His potential for good and for evil is bottomless and I don't like sticking my neck out on the chopping block. I mean, can you blame me? That's just basic survival instinct. Why should I offer him unconditional love when I know I won't get it in return? One minute he wants to chat for an hour on the phone about whats going on in my life and the next minute he's provoking my mom to call the police to our house. AGAIN. WHO ARE YOU?!


Poor Jason, I texted him 5 times tonight to make sure he was driving safely. I'm a nut.

Fucking tuesday...

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Sweet Home _______

fill in the blank, please.

I only thought of that because today I was exhausted when I finally slumped home at about 6:30pm. So upon arrival I was debated whether or not I should suck it up and take a nap and I decided I didn't have time to take a nap. So I turned on the tv thinking I would at least give my mind a snooze without giving in my whole body, but apparently my body disagreed, because about 10 minutes into Sweet Home Alabama I was out like a light on the couch. I woke up two hours later, sooooo sore.

My whole body hurts.

Physical therapy sucked today. I'm tired of being in pain and not being able to run and jump and work out. I'm getting fat, it makes me sick. So then I eat two candy bars to make myself feel better.

But seriously, I'm realizing that there is no way to get through this recovery without tempting a flare-up of my Achilles tendonitis and this whole thing is just spiraling out of control. My knee isn't ANY better, I'm getting the name of an orthapedist (who the fuck knows how to spell that word) to see exactly whats going on. The rest of me is still sore from sunday because I'm so out of shape.

I'm still sleepy. I'm so sleepy I'm almost a little nauseous. Does that ever happen to you?

I had a nice time in drawing today, for a change. I got to play with ink. Ink is fun. And is now all over my entire arms and hands. I have a special talent for making messes.

I read a great play by a playwright who I know (sort of know) tonight and I was relieved because it was REALLY good and hilarious and creepy because you're so disturbed and amused at the same time. I love theater.

I feel a little crazy right now. I feel a little...untethered.

hmmmmmmmmmmm maybe I'll go lookin for trouble

Monday, September 17, 2007

Case of the Mondays...

ugh, today is a disgusting awful day.
i felt it the moment i woke up, after i hit snooze 23 times, although i was cheerful.
i should have known, as soon as i burned my pancake - always an omen of bad things to come.

My whole body hurts, the weather is awful, they were all out of thumbtacks at CVS.
i have tons of drawings due tomorrow, none of which are finished, and I have to be up at 7:30 am to start my day.

Oh awful awful awful.

Mostly awful because I don't feel myself, I feel irritable and petty. I was selfish this morning on the phone, with the one person i never want to be selfish with, i couldn't snap out of it, i was getting sort of...i don't know, all tied up inside. And then i was so distracted by worrying about what he would think of that behavior that i could hardly concentrate in class. All I kept thinking was, "this would be easier to sort out in person" but of course if we could sort it out in person than the whole problem wouldn't exist and everything would be blissful.

I talked to an old friend of mine this weekend and he asked me about my love life and he laughed. "nothing simple for you, huh?"



Friday, September 07, 2007

Learning Curve

Last night was horrible.

And I felt horribly selfish and blind which made me feel even worse. I just finally worked myself up so much that I felt sick and went to bed. I know I should be grateful and I know everything happens for a reason and blah blah blah but GOD why do I seem to be always having these lessons forced down my throat. If something, anything, could just come easily to me - that would be great.

Well that's an exaggeration. Some lovely things do come easily to me, things that mean more to me than any project (you know who you are) but even those things come with strings attached and stipulations and take a lot of strength and courage and faith. I'm just feeling very blighted right now. Is that a word? Well it is now.

I'm feeling sorry for myself, basically. I know I do that a lot.

It just digs into me, you know? It gets under your skin, time after time, never getting exactly what you strive for. You start to falter and doubt and resent which makes it even harder, increasingly harder each time. To think positive and to believe.

And I know in my heart that I would have been so GOOD.

But I suppose this role gives me a chance I haven't had in quite sometime, in that I will be able to completely transform myself into something completely different. I mean my character isn't even earthly, so you know. It will be interesting. I'll probably learn a lot. But I'm still kicking myself. And I still wonder what might have happened if I hadn't auditioned for the second show.

I'm just...GUH...dissapointed again. Seems to be a common theme.

Luckily I have people in my life who I am convinced can see me through anything. Not very many but a few choice people. And Feathers.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Fuck Fuck Fuck

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!


I got a letter from Clipper Navigations Inc. kindly informing me that due to the cancelled boat to the San Juan Islands, I had rescheduled a party of 2 to Victoria instead and then forgotten to cancel their previously booked hotel in the San Juans. So they're deducting $185 dollars from my commission check.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK dhfsjhfjksdhjkflhui3y4uigfufgehjvbdhcvbhjevfhjvfejgedhjfgeiuyeghfjd

I need a job really soon. How the fuck am I going to do this.

Thick Skin

I just downloaded Sara Bareilles' album Little Voice, you should do the same.

Some things get easier every day and some things just get harder.

One thing I forgot about being at school is how alone it feels sometimes. My close friends are so busy and I often end up feeling like there's no one really REAL out there to connect to. That's the problem with being an artist, particularly in theater, is that people are sometimes so fake. I mean, they're entertaining as fuck, but they are just so...caught up with appearing a certain way, maybe because they feel so vulnerable, I don't know. I just feel very alienated.

I would love to go and see Meg or go out to Queens maybe, but I can't go anywhere. Unless I can afford cabfare which, let me cut the suspense, I can't.

I'm too tired to worry about money. I'm just exhausted all the time. Standing up for 20 minutes completely wipes me out, and I keep pushing myself too hard so that when I lay down at night I'm in too much pain. I've been putting off some of the treatment that my naturopath gave me, I don't know why. I it going to make it any better? No. I'm still not going to be able to walk, I'm still going to be unable to make around and get myself a glass of water or walk to the grocery store and cook something. I just feel paralyzed and so its hard to really care about anything.

I know I told Jason to have hope and courage to see through the pain and I realize I'm being a huge I mean I do have hope - in a month, I'll be walking fine, but for now I just feel completely helpless. And I hate hate hate it. I just want to cry every time I want to take out the trash, or set up all the kitchen stuff, or do any number of things that I can't really do.

And I suppose I saw it coming but no one can help me by going up to Harlem and supervising the movers tomorrow, so I'm gonna have to take a cab up there and then take a cab back and do all of it myself. I'm hoping it goes fine. We'll see. I mean I don't really have a choice at this point.

I miss Jason, so much. He gives me some kind of courage I just can't get anywhere else. Its hard to summon that feeling from 3000 miles away but I guess I'll have to try for a while. That's the only thing that got me up to 93rd street the other day to get my wheelchair.

I'm just dreading tomorrow. I shouldn't, I should be positive.

It'll be fine. It'll be great. I'll have all my stuff and I will be able to sleep on my own sheets and comfy bed. That will be nice. Ok. I can do this.