Highway to nowhere

driving down mercer street tonight in the dark, the streetlights shining off of the cars buzzing around me, my body tired and my head feeling empty and drained, I had to laugh at the familiarity of the moment.
its funny how life takes you on a million excursions but in the end its still a circular road, all moving in the same direction. Passing milestones that appear increasingly and alarmingly alike.

A part of me looks back at the adventures I've lived and is hungry for so much. For that feeling again. That feeling I used to get every day as I left my apartment in Paris. The evenings I spent on the terrace in italy, planning the next day's hikes or beach combing. That feeling that is un-nameable but makes you sure for the first time, so sure and positive that you could shout it out and no one would disagree: "I'm alive! I'm alive!" Breath-takingly startlingly living your life instead of sitting and watching it move past you.

On the highway coming over the bridge I looked at the cars around me as the bass from the radio pounded over my eardrums. All the cars traveling the same speed down that highway left me unsettled - as if the bridge itself were moving, the world itself were turning past and all the cars were standing still. All of us inside them feeling sure we're going somewhere when really were are as static and cemented as the pylons of that bridge driven down into the earth.

Part of me wants to run far away, let this feeling fall away and replace it with an endlessly changing landscape of adventures and the instability that comes with them.

But the other part of me...the other part is too torn between a million things to put enough thoughts together to do anything. Most of it is wrapped up in the lingering warmth of his arms around me and his kisses on my skin. That part of me is so hungry, so starved for contact that it sends panic signals to my heart when I spend too much time alone. Even though alone is when I feel the most myself. Alone is also when I lose the most control. I suppose maybe that's the attraction of it. That unrestrained feeling.

And now that part of me is telling my brain to go to sleep. Telling me tomorrow will come early and another mindless day begins. So I surrender and trust that either one or the other part of me will lead me onto the right path.