Thursday, August 30, 2007

the pain drain

I woke up this morning in a lot of pain again, and it struck me, maybe for the first time, how really helpless I am. I can't do shit, and I have no idea how I am going to have any semblance of a normal life.

I mean, here I am with a full day in new york city before I can move my stuff in (yeah, no idea how I'm going to do that either) and I can't do ANYTHING. I can't go to the grocery store, I can't even go to the mail room. All I can do is sit on the fucking bed and read or watch television. Its pathetic, I feel awful. I really really hate this. I hate having to ask people for help for every tiny thing. I hate being dependent on the caprice of others, because I know that I'm gonna end up stuck most of the time. I fucking hate hate hate this.

To top it all off, most of my stuff is in storage, which I have somehow got to get out on saturday. Which is fine, because we hired some extra movers to basically do it all for me, BUT someone has to go up to Harlem and "supervise" them. I can't go, needless to say, so I have to find somebody who will. And I don't know a single person who is willing to do it. I don't know what I am going to do. I'm not sure I'm even gonna be able to supervise them on this end, I really can't walk on my crutches for very long without getting really really tired.

Sorry about the self-pity fest, I know I should be happy that I'm alive and that it could have been much worse. But its still a nightmare.

Monday, August 27, 2007


Listen, you know what? I am a nice person, I like being a nice person, being nice is very important to me. I want people to think I am kind and fair.

And I am, so fuck you.

So today I had another one of those horribly unsettling incidents when someone tries to undermine you by using your nice-ness.
They pull something dirty and treacherous and then make you stopping them doing that not nice thing (robbing you blind and sideways) seem like YOU doing something terribly not nice.
Which is absurd and unfair.
And it is that very kind of behavior that makes it so hard to be nice in this world, that EXCUSES people who are not nice and makes them think its ok not to be nice, because nice people only get SCREWED OVER.
Maybe if we all stopped being so fucking worried about ourselves and started just being nice then everyone else would be nice too and then you wouldn't have to be worried about yourself because no one who is nice would ever hurt you!
Wouldn't that be...nice?! FUCK!! ITS NOT FUCKING NUCLEAR FISSION!!

I mean god, save your aggression for the bedroom people! Or Tae Kwon Do! Jesus fucking christ!

Look, if there is a problem and you come to me when you discover it then maybe we can work together towards a compromise. I'll probably even be more than commonly generous, which I do AL THE TIME (remember, I'm a NICE PERSON).
But when you go behind my back, when you lie and cheat, and when you are not only not nice to me, but to whoever else may get pulled in along the way, then I have am not particularly inclined to be self-sacrificing! I mean I'm nice, but I'm not a doormat.

AND THEN to put the proverbial cherry on the passive aggressive sundae, you try and make me feel bad about standing up for myself?! HDJSKALHJKDSAHJDSKALHDJSAFKLHFDSJLKFDHJKLDFHJKDSLFHJSKAL!!!!
It makes me so angry because although you probably don't realize what you are doing, (people like you never tend to think on the grander scale) YOU ARE KILLING THE IMPULSE TO BE NICE IN PEOPLE!!!

Look, people would like to be nice, I really believe that. Its why people fucking love those Extreme Home Makoever shows, or when Oprah gives some poor family a new home and tons of crap, because we long, we simple LONG for niceness. It makes us feel good, and we would LOVE to be a part of it. People would love to be nice most of the time. Its so FUCKING OBVIOUS, its the most obvious logical thing in the world. But people learn, after encountering people like YOU, that when they are nice they get screwed. And instead of attaching that blame to YOU for SCREWING THEM, they blame themselves. Because people are too nice to blame YOU!! ISN'T THAT SWEET BUT PATHETIC?! We blame ourselves and we say, "well that's what I get for being nice". And so we stop being nice, eventually. And we don't blame people for being selfish and opportunistic and dishonest and cruel, we just stop being nice, thinking that we'll be prepared for it.

God its so sad.

Anyway, I'm continuing to be nice and hopefully I inspire other people to be nice too. And it makes me sad when people aren't and today is just one of those days.

The end.

Sorry that was so long. And that I swore and used the Lord's name in vain. But I just get so angry sometimes! Well anyway, you know.

Sunday, August 26, 2007


Around dinner time last night, my parents start bickering again. My dad refused to make what my mom had laid out for dinner, he cooked something she didn't like instead, GOD KNOWS WHY, and the fighting commenced. And there I sat in the middle of it, wishing I had one of those bells they use in boxing matches. Round 1!

Then my dad lost his temper, called her a nasty old bitch (nice one dad) and stormed upstairs. Then we were left without anyone for a couple of hours. Then he came back downstairs and I asked for my pain medication and my mom berated him for not being on top of my care. "You're not doing your best John, stop lying to yourself!"

Now my mom and dad are in the other room, fighting out of earshot. Which i suppose is better than fighting over me right in front of my nose.

But I'm still alone, stuck on the couch.

I'm worried about coming back to new york. How will I move in? How will I go grocery shopping? How am I even going to participate in my classes?

I hate this so much, but I must be grateful that it wasn't any worse.

Saturday, August 25, 2007


So I was driving down I-5 with my mom on our way to Ashland for a little vacation, I just remeber driving and then all of a sudden we swerved out of control across the 4 lanes of traffic, we were struck by another car, hit the median, then slammed by another truck. Then we flipped onto the ceiling and skidded back across the roadway on the roof until we came to a stop when we hit the other guard-rail. I have these flashes, the same images of the crash playing over and over in my head. I still can't remember how it started. I remember unhooking my seat-belt and then my mom's so we wouldn't be hanging upside down from the ceiling.

We are ok in the end. I mean were are both banged up really bad, but no broken bones. My ankle is sprained pretty badly and my other knee has some sort of tendon or cartilage tear. The back of my scalp has three staples in it (THAT was weird, now I know how the paper feels) and the right side of my face is still swollen.

My mom is in a lot of pain and it kills me, because I was the one driving, I feel so responsible. Its awful. And my parents are bickering like mad.

Jason has come over every day. He came over yesterday and again today. He's...amazing. I'm so impressed with him. I wish he was in less pain though :(

Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know what's happened. I'll heal soon! Mostly now I just sit on the couch and either sleep or watch tv. I do a lot of icing...that's exciting. Sigh. I'm trying to focus all my energy on healing and as little as possible on how this will affect my year because, well, not much I can do about it now.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Summer In Smoke

I really feel like I've been tossed around and stretched out like one of those plastic dolls whose arms and legs are extendable...what are those called? Stretch Armstrong?

I was taking out the garbage tonight, walking down my empty driveway in the dark and the closeness of my leaving and the amount of things that I wanted that never got done just washed over me. That and I don't know when I'm gonna see Jason again. Have I already seen him for the last time without realizing it? Well ok not the last time, but the last time for a while. A scary lonely while. God I'll miss him.

I haven't seen my sister, or Mara, or Daniel or a million friends I intended to catch up with. I have been so defeated lately I haven't been going to the gym. I haven't sorted out my health or my emotions. I haven't put the past behind me. I haven't laid in the sunshine. I haven't done anything except wish that things were a thousand times different than they are and look at my pathetic life and feel so discouraged that I could up and quit if I thought that I could live like this.

I'm terrified, terrified that I've wasted all this time and I'm no close to what I want.

Well except for finding love again, forever maybe, I hope, I don't know.

I went to see a naturopathic doctor and we spent most of my appointment talking about the painful emotional state I'm constantly suffering through. She listened to me talk and cry and anguish and she said some things that really made sense.
She said I was grieving and struggling to forgive my parents for being cowards.
That in order to rationalize their behavior I was forcing myself to think and feel in a way that my soul felt had no integrity. She said I needed to sit down and write a long letter.
And somehow that's going to make it all easier. I don't know how to write this letter. I don't know how to start. "You make me miserable".

Its just not fair is what the little child inside of me says. Why do I have to dig myself out of this hole? I don't feel totally responsible for being there. Its not fair.

But I suppose if I'm going to keep people from throwing continuing to throw fistfuls of dirt at me I'm going to have to climb out all by my fucking self. Typical.

God its going to be ugly. I'm terrified. I've actually never been more terrified in my life, I'm afraid I don't have the courage to do this. I wish I was stronger, like Jason is. He always amazes me. I never amaze myself, except at my own stupidity and obtuseness (word?).

I just feel very trapped and very exhausted and I know I am impatient and irritable and unconstructive and selfish because of it. And I hate feeling that way.

Today has been a rough day. I really feel very weak. I think I'll lay down.