tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300086112024-03-12T23:31:54.248-04:00La Femme Fatalea little somethin-somethin about the mysterious wondrous crushingly ironic and heartbreakingly laughable adventure that is my life.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.comBlogger196125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-91205550203620723132009-03-02T00:46:00.002-05:002009-03-02T01:06:10.288-05:00The Rules of MeI spent some time tonight reflecting. I read through a lot of my journaling and old writing and was just thinking about the past. You know, who I was and who I've become. Particularly as it pertains to my relationships, since that's primarily how I define my life (I recently realized that not everyone does this - I know, crazy).<br /><br />It all started because I was sorting through old music and came across one of those songs that just DEFINES a period of your life. In this case it was a song I came to associate with a certain person who I fell for a few years back. The whole thing was short lived because it was right before I left the country and it's a complicated story and nothing terribly sordid happened. Just a lot of wasted frustrations that I now can see were terribly terribly sweet. A sweet little affair, full of poetry and secrets. So much poetry, god, it makes me smile to think of it now. And alcohol and late nights and telling each other all of our deepest darkest secrets.<br /><br />Earlier today too, something reminded me of Seattle and I got totally lost in memories. Not like childhood memories, but the handful of adult memories of the couple of relationships I had there. They were summer relationships too, which are the most achingly tender. Burnt by the sun. <br /><br />It really makes my heart just ache. I listen to those songs and I remember those boys and the way it felt to look into their faces when the highs were at their highest. To feel the wonder at the person that I was to them. The Debra that they looked at, touched, embraced. Who is that girl?<br /><br />So much poetry. That's why I date so many alcoholics I think. I need it. <br /><br />In case you're curious:<br />"Me & Bobby McGee" Janis Joplin, which then leads to many other places.<br />"My Moon, My Man" Feist. That whole album actually.<br />"It's The Night Time" Josh Rouse<br />and on and on and on...tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-85729900587160266502009-01-30T03:05:00.003-05:002009-01-30T04:07:48.252-05:00ahem."There is no body of evidence available from controlled trials to indicate how long the patient with ADHD should be treated with CONCERTA®. It is generally agreed, however, that pharmacological treatment of ADHD may be needed for extended periods.<br /><br />The effectiveness of CONCERTA® for long-term use, i.e., for more than 7 weeks, has not been systematically evaluated in controlled trials. The physician who elects to use CONCERTA® for extended periods in patients with ADHD should periodically re-evaluate the long-term usefulness of the drug for the individual patient with trials off medication to assess the functioning without pharmacotherapy. Improvement may be sustained when the drug is either temporarily or permanently discontinued."<br /><br /><br />So just to clarify: the treatment of my disorder may require long-term pharmacological treatment. However, we have no idea if these pharmacological treatments continue to be effective over a long-term period of time. In fact after 7 weeks (that's not even 2 months) effectiveness is clinically unknown and purely anecdotal. <br /><br />I have been taking 36mg of Concerta every single day for the last 6 years of my life. Six years. Concerta is a sustained-release compound methylphenidate. It's more or less an amphetamine. That's speed, for the lamens out there. <br /><br />I just feel like, what is the point? What is the point of all this? Telling me my disorder doesn't exist. Telling me my treatment options are unsafe. <br /><br />I have no options.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-33612575421760632492008-12-04T02:05:00.001-05:002008-12-04T02:05:46.740-05:00No EscapeWhy am I attracted to crazy people!! Oh my god.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-32749966518153280502008-11-20T01:06:00.002-05:002008-11-20T01:31:00.761-05:00Letters from the EdgeSo tonight I wrote a letter that I had been trying to write for a long time to someone who was really special to me that I hurt because I was confused and inconsiderate and lost their friendship, maybe forever. Sometimes you can't turn back from things. <br /><br />I like to consider myself a person who has no regrets because I'm mostly a good sort of person who doesn't do regrettable things. But I guess you never know what kind of person you really are. I look back at things I've done in the past and I think, "how could I do something like that?" Even if I never do those things again, I AM a person who does those things. <br /><br />Christianity says God will forgive if we repent. What good does that do? People can't forgive. How can you forgive someone who's really hurt you? You will always see the shadow of that pain when you look into their eyes and think: "this person i love." How does that reconcile? How can you love that person unless you love the hurt? That relationship is forever changed. Forever, inextricably tied up with that hurt. Tied up with the love and everything else. <br /><br />I know why I'm thinking these things at 1:30am. I know why I'm looking back. I want the hurt to stop without stopping the love. But they're tied up now. They're tied up. Because I'm a person who does those things.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-65663119780817144972008-10-30T01:49:00.002-04:002008-10-30T01:52:30.421-04:00Credit is ScarySo I fucked up again. I forgot to pay my credit bill for my bed, two days late AGAIN. Which is awful because I have practically no credit at all and now my rating is probably in the toilet. FUCK ME.<br /><br />AND I forgot to clock out again. For the second day in a row.<br /><br />I hate being an adult. I feel anxious and I want to cry every day. Why can't I just be a kid again.<br /><br />I'm going to crawl into bed and pretend that adulthood never happened.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-233160497652869142008-10-14T02:31:00.003-04:002008-10-14T02:54:21.151-04:00No Surprises HereLet me just say that my poor boyfriend is in bed asleep right now and he thinks I am there next to him. You'd think after rolling over the entire bed basically even his sleepy brain would realize the bed was empty. He's a heavy sleeper, whatcha gonna do.<br /><br />So just for the record, I did TRY to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I did! I tried really hard. I laid in bed awake for <span style="font-style:italic;">at least</span> 45 minutes before I snuck over to my computer. That's a very long time to lay in the silent darkness for a rampant neurotic like me. And on addition, it is not my fault my mind couldn't rest, it is not my fault that my ex-boyfriends keep popping back into my life on internet networking sites in pictures with their new girlfriends looking happy and wind-tousled on the beach. That is no way to start a night of going to sleep early! That is the way to <span style="font-style:italic;">continue</span> the staying up late brooding I've been doing for the last few weeks.<br /><br />So yes I'm up at 2:30 in the morning. But still, I plan to be in bed by 3. And maybe asleep by 4. Which really, is pretty much like every other night. But at least it's not later than usual. Eh? Eh? I may not be improving, but I'm also not worsening (word?). Now tell me that attitude doesn't spell success!<br /><br />I did manage to clean my bathroom today, which I was really proud of because it was the first productive thing I've done for a really long time. Tomorrow before work, I will do one of the following:<br /><br />1) Laundry<br />2) Gym<br />3) Clean the Kitchen<br /><br />Since I can only do one of the above in my underwear without showering or brushing my teeth, I think we can all guess which shall be accomplished. But BUT my boyfriend will be here tomorrow which means MAYBE I will get out of bed when he does, and MAYBE I will apply that extra time to something useful and *gasp* outside the walls of my apartment! <br /><br />Am I becoming agoraphobic? Thank goodness I have a job that requires me leaving home and interacting with people. What a disaster I would be otherwise. Imagine if I was, say, a writer (although, obviously little danger of that). That would be scary. I'd end up being dragged out of my apartment by men in white coats, probably on a stretcher since I'd weight 600 lbs, spending the rest of my adult years in a padded cell eating food portions the size of golf balls after I had my stomach stapled shut, while my family and friends cried their eyes out on Oprah over my sad sad fate. <br /><br />Do you think I'd get a free make-over? <br /><br />No no that would be tragic, definitely not worth whatever free cosmetic procedures and/or automobiles Oprah might send my way as a gesture of her support.<br /><br />Ok I'm bored now and if my boyfriend wakes up and catches me on the computer he's gonna be soooo mad. Maybe I'd better hop back into bed and start counting sheep.<br /><br />baaaa.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-2078026510827267352008-10-03T12:33:00.003-04:002008-10-03T12:40:47.297-04:00This Election is Like a Stomach ParasiteENOUGH ALREADY!<br /><br />Holy gallop poll batman! CALM THE FUCK DOWN PEOPLE.<br />I'm voting for Obama based on the issues and nothing else, its a complete no-brainer since these two candidates politically have nothing in common except for the fact that they're running for the same office, so stop bombarding me with pointless sensationalist bullshit on EVERY NEWS OUTLET every two seconds. I DON'T CARE! Now I just hate everyone, they all seem slick and disengenuous to me (well ok, no one more than Sarah Palin, but still). I literally have a visceral reaction every time I see any of their faces - and not in the good way.<br /><br />Is it motherfucking November yet? All the hype isn't making me want to vote, it's making me want to move to Iceland.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />No really, I hear it's nice there. Plus Bjork is from Iceland and she's crazy awesome. I wish SHE was running for president.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-88496208747997693512008-10-01T03:40:00.002-04:002008-10-01T04:03:13.426-04:00Random Thoughts Before September Runs OutDOH! Too late!<br /><br />Ok thought #1:<br />My chronic insomnia is a product of my recent increase in anxiety, which arises from my general depression lately. Which is derived from letting myself go in the career and organizational departments, which being my total most vulnerable zones about which I am most insecure, make me feel like a complete and total waste of space. Even though I still get out of bed and work a full time job 5 days a week. <br /><br />Thought #2:<br />This is more of a question really.<br />Why is my Time Warner bill so expensive? We don't even have any premium channels AND our internet sucks. Why is it still costing us $115 a month collectively? This seems wrong.<br /><br />Thought #3:<br />I hate going to work but it gives me piece of mind that although the economy is imploding on itself, I somehow still make $15 an hour, 35 hours a week. Granted, I could be making a lot more than that if I sold my soul to the devil. Instead, I sell my soul to cranky old folks of the upper west side. Which is just fine with me because I happen to like some of those cranky old folks.<br /><br />Thought #4:<br />Is this fucking election over yet? Cheese and rice people, I can't take this shit anymore!<br /><br />Thought #5:<br />Grey's Anatomy is not impressing me yet this season. Except for that sexy army doctor, with his crazy vagabond ways and his "So?". I could do without the pen in the throat though. That was a little much. Also, how did he get that in there?<br /><br />Thought #6:<br />My mother is coming for christmas for like 18 days or something. This is a lot BUT not a complete 3 weeks like she wanted. I consider this a compromise. I also think her compromising at all upon this point, is a big victory. Therefore, I win. Although also I lose, obviously. 18 days. AND its the holidays. There's nothing that quite reminds you of how fucked up your family has become, like being around said family during the holidays. If there was a textbook about my family, the holiday chapter would be subtitled, "We don't speak to each other and here's why:"<br /><br />Thought #7:<br />I still have a boyfriend. This is good (?) yet terrifying because I'm usually in the midst of the break-up by now. Or at least at the beginning of the break-up. I mean its gonna be 6 months soon. It's like somehow I've managed to withstand the break-up and somehow he's still around. Like the cat who came back the very next day. Only I like this cat and I totally open the front door and let him in. And I leave food out for him and stuff.<br />Listen I don't know, I couldn't carry that analogy any further. The point is, I'm so used to having major rifts in my relationship at this point that I sense myself sabotaging it by being so neurotic. <br />I know, that is SO unlike me.<br />Bottom line is that I don't love everything about him but I still really like being around him. After our 3 day weekend I still wanted to see him afterwards. He even met me downtown after I finished grocery shopping. What is that about? I really like him I guess. Its so weird...<br /><br />Thought #8:<br /><br />I can't wait for the Paper Planes video.<br /><br />Thought #9:<br /><br />I'm going to drink a glass of water (out of my Brita! How white am I now?!) and go to sleep.<br /><br />Thought #10:<br /><br />I wonder what I will dream about? I hope they're good dreams.<br /><br />Thought #11:<br /><br />Oo I have to wake up early tomorrow and wash some stuff for work. Crap. I hope I have enough quarters.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-10425425295354145512008-09-25T14:14:00.002-04:002008-09-25T14:21:08.134-04:00UndergroundWow. I am so over this. I think I'm starting to get a little depressed. This summer-feeling just drags on and on, only its just getting colder while everything else stays the same.<br /><br />I wake up, go to work, come home, eat some food, go to bed, sleep, wake up, go to work, come home, eat some food, go to bed, sleep , wake up etc etc ad nauseum maybe for the rest of my life.<br /><br />The new job is fine, whatever. Its a job. Plus new jobs are depressing because you're still learning the new restaurant so somehow everything you think you do that is right, is actually not such a good idea. Which your GM generally points out to you as abrasively as possible. <br /><br />My apartment is a mess because I don't have the energy to clean it. I just sit around and try and keep the pile of things I have to do from suffocating me completely. And yet I STILL have a front hallway full of boxes I used that I need to sell - and they've been there since I moved in. IN MAY. Seriously, its ridiculous.<br /><br />I've been sleeping until noon every day because I don't get home till 11:30 and I'm too wound up to sleep until 2. Last night I stayed up till 4am. I dreaded going to sleep because I knew I'd wake up in the morning and have to do it all over again. I didn't wake up until 1:45, I couldn't believe it. This is got to stop.<br /><br />This weekend I'm going to some friends' wedding and I think getting out of the city will help me feel a little more alive.<br />I should start looking for auditions, but no one is mounting any shows because there isn't any money and the economy is exploding, apparently.<br /><br />I just feel totally buried.<br /><br />blehhhhhhhh.<br /><br />Guh Guh Guhtête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-52959854482865974202008-09-16T00:38:00.002-04:002008-09-16T00:51:40.752-04:00Losing Track of TimeSo somehow between graduation and today, my entire life is a completely different entity.<br /><br />I have two restaurant jobs and an apartment and relationship, and I do things like spend weekends in connecticut. Do they let people my age do things like this?<br /><br />And I DON'T go to school for the first time I can remember. Which is totally weird and yet totally anticlimactic. I didn't even realize I was approaching a major life-change until my boyfriend ordered a pumpkin spice late at Starbucks and I said, "wait, aren't those seasonal?" and then realized by the look on his face that it was in fact fall already, and I was totally warped by my habit of working full time during the summer months between terms. It hasn't set in yet, I just feel like its a really long summer or something. I'm sure once it gets cold and windy and I'm schlepping it to work, I'll wish I had a warm classroom to curl up in.<br /><br />I don't miss the stress though, that's for sure.<br /><br /><br />Of course when one stressor disappears, another promptly presents itself to take its place. My relationship is a total confusing mess, my job situation is in flux (although at least I'm not unemployed), my financial situation is looking perpetually paycheck to paycheck, and my career is non-existent. And my mother is talking about a visit. And my room is a mess. And I need to have clothes taken in. And I'm broke. And I should really start going to the gym again.<br /><br />Blah Blah Blah.<br /><br /><br />Mostly my relationship is the big question. I just never seem to know when to cut and run and now I've gotten all into it again. I go back and forth and back and forth so violently that I'm getting exhausted just thinking about it.<br /><br />The point is, I should be back in therapy.<br /><br /><br /><br />The end.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-16747047955816721352008-08-06T01:36:00.007-04:002008-08-06T02:08:55.987-04:00OH MY GOD OH MY GODOk so I know everyone who reads this blog and you know me. <br /><br />So let's say I were to ask you, what is my favorite television show of all time?<br />If you didn't immediately scream out Law & Order SVU like a maniac, our friendship is a complete lie and I am ashamed of myself for allowing this charade to continue.<br /><br />So guess, just guess, what lovely lady came into my place of work today for a pick up and TOTALLY introduced herself and shook my hand and was AMAZINGLY nice?<br /><br />Oh I don't know, maybe...MARISKA HARGITAY!! I seriously couldn't believe it was her, I thought I was hallucinating. She's only my favorite ever!!<br /><br />If you don't know who she is, I am appalled. You don't deserve it, but here is a picture that should spark a memory if you have ever watched television. Ever. Any channel really, it's always on. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaeibPEHjcDTpHnWlsswwLrumYtKJeg3GALe0C6EBb-UCo5ubRonX7Vkw4niJdVdSybnrwog8sBGanCaJVKpspx4xcXHViuNhxZT4D3SuCcvsA8Unmk8Ig_nntFj4WpouKdo6iFg/s1600-h/Benson.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaeibPEHjcDTpHnWlsswwLrumYtKJeg3GALe0C6EBb-UCo5ubRonX7Vkw4niJdVdSybnrwog8sBGanCaJVKpspx4xcXHViuNhxZT4D3SuCcvsA8Unmk8Ig_nntFj4WpouKdo6iFg/s320/Benson.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5231276040046209042" /></a><br /><br />I think I seriously had heart palpitations. She was so courteous and sweet and I was trying not to hyperventilate so she possibly thought I was mentally disabled. I can't believe SHE is the first celebrity I see at my new job. That is like, a sign from God. The only thing that could have made it any better would have been if Christopher Meloni came in WITH her - oh man. I really would have died. Literally, I would have been killed - there are stairs right behind where I stand and I would have backed up in blissful shock and tumbled down them, I can see it now.<br /><br />And its true, I can no longer see Mariska (I can call her that now, cuz SHE INTRODUCED HERSELF TO ME THAT WAY) until I get my coveted spot on SVU. But when I do, I can remind her of our chance encounter, and she'll ask me why my palms were so sweaty, and then we'll laugh and laugh and be best friends forever!<br /><br />The point is, this was a huge momentous event in my life. She is definitely on the top 5 list of celebrities I unabashedly admire and I MET HER TODAY. <br /><br />In fact I now reclaim this day, August 5th, as Mariska Hargitay Day. <br /><br />We can call it Mariska Day for short. Actually, no. No one else can call it that, everyone else has to call it Ms. Hargitay day. But I can call it Mariska Day.<br /><br />The Boyfriend was significantly less excited than I was when I called him bubbling over with excitement to tell him. But you know? He just hasn't seen every single episode of Law & Order SVU like I have.<br /><br />Anyway. Wow. It was great. She was great. Everything was great.<br /><br />Happy Mariska Day! I can't wait till next year!tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-68684989003152286332008-08-04T21:23:00.003-04:002008-08-04T21:46:51.331-04:00Live from my HeadFirst of all, I just downloaded Katie Herzig's latest album, Apple Tree, and as usual it is beautiful and thoughtful. DO IT.<br /><br />Secondly, I saw HAIR at NYSF last night in Central Park. Now I do love the musical, but even if you are not a fan, I suggest you see it. <br />The most satisfying thing about the production (besides the full frontal, duh) is that it really captures what I imagine the sentiment was behind HAIR's creation. And I must say, I really did leave the theater wanting to love everyone and give of myself. Which on a hot humid night in New York City on the A train, is really saying something. <br />At the very least I wanted to sleep with pretty much everyone in that cast, especially Will Swenson who played a drop-dead sexy Berger. The performances are inspiring, the show's psyched-out energy is disturbingly contagious, and its just a beautiful thing to see a lot of talented people truly committed to their art. AND ITS FREE. Come on people. Embrace the theater, it will love you back.<br /><br /><br />In completely unrelated news, I was looking through a lot of my writing tonight on my computer, most of it archived since I haven't written anything that I bothered saving in probably 6 months at least. Maybe now that I'm a grown-up the poetry bug went back to its business of biting angsty teens. Or maybe now that I have real concrete problems instead of feeling vaguely lost and trapped and lonely, its harder to be creative with my grief. Who knows. <br />Some of the things I wrote were during some pretty dark times and I always wonder to myself if I'm actually out of that place, or if I just happen to be on a brief sabbatical from despair. Either way, reading back and looking forward, I hope that I've learned to reach outside of myself instead of sitting alone and locked down, imploding inward. I suppose we'll see next time I plunge to the depths, eh?<br /><br />Katie Herzig makes me so introspective, seriously :)tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-38931738111503393242008-08-02T01:14:00.002-04:002008-08-02T01:33:11.676-04:00The Meat MarketI got a job! Yay. I'm hosting at a lovely restaurant in the Meatpacking District, which for those of you who don't know, is where all the rich people go to spend too much on food and beverages and parade around drunkenly in designer labels.<br /><br />Although I have to say the food at my restaurant is incredible and is probably worth the money.<br /><br />So far, today was Day #2, everyone I work with has been extremely nice and cool, so I think I'll be very happy there. The only problem now is that I'm generally in excruciating pain, which is bearable on the feet (I try and stretch them out subtly when things are slow), but totally unbearable on my back. It throbs and aches through my entire shift, and when I finally get home and lay down, it <span style="font-style:italic;">hums</span> with pain. I've been laying on a heating pad, but then I have to leave the AC on as I fall asleep. Which translates to serious $$$ on my electric bill. <br />I'm guessing this might be a temporary problem? I'm just assuming that instead of being an inevitable consequence of standing for 7 hours, it is the consequence of shitty footwear. I've been wearing a pair of flats I bought at costco for literally 8 dollars. So, now I know what I'm doing with that first paycheck.<br /><br /><br />WOW that was dull. Sorry! I'm just exhausted. I got out of work around midnight and the street was crawling with people, hopping from pricey restaurant to expensive lounge to pricey restaurant. I am so not a part of these social circles, although I know people who are. And no judgement, if I could afford that, I would totally do it. Not every weekend, but it might be fun with the right people. Every now and then. I do love to eat delicious food in beautiful places. Don't be fooled because I just finished eating cottage cheese barefoot in my kitchen...<br /><br />I <span style="font-style:italic;">like</span> exciting things. I just don't have the money to enjoy them. Tomorrow, my lovely boyfriend is taking me on a cruise to see the waterfalls, for which I am very excited. I love my boyfriend, if it wasn't for him I would never do anything fun. I'm too cheap.<br /><br />Oy. I'm gonna go put my feet up. Goodnight everyone (you three people who read my blog)!tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-14166274246287876822008-07-29T00:43:00.003-04:002008-07-29T01:03:07.403-04:00Happiness is not on CraigslistI'm going to get a job tomorrow. I'm going out armed with resumes (real and embellished because apparently lying is the only way one finds a job in this town) and I will end with the promise of a paycheck. That's right!<br /><br />I even cleaned my absolute disaster area of a room in preparation. This week will not be like every other week of my pathetic summer. Everything will be different!<br /><br />At the very least, I will live my life as if I had a job. Eat regular meals, go to the gym (or AT LEAST do a pilates video or something, jesus), accomplish long-undone tasks in my life, do my laundry before it surrounds me in enormous piles, keep my apartment clean...you know, normal people stuff. Because feeling sorry for myself since I haven't been accomplishing anything except feeling sorry for myself, is probably at the root of this whole problem. You know like think positive thoughts and make positive choices and positive things will happen in your life. Or whatever. Listen, I haven't read The Secret but I'm not a complete fuckwit.<br /><br />Anyway, so to kick-start this whole development (I'm REALLY desperately trying to stay hopeful, can you tell?) I will go to bed before 2am. And awake before 11. I know. Crazy talk. But I will do it, even if it kills me. I will begrudgingly wake up to my alarm at 10:30 tomorrow. And then you know what I'll do? I'll iron clothing for my fantastic job interviews which will go famously and everyone will be clamoring to hire me!! Go to the bank (v. depressing but as I'm actually making a deposit, I feel ok about it)! Maybe I'll do a good deed! Go for a brisk walk! I don't know, anything's possible!!<br /><br />Yess!! This will be the day! Hoorah!<br /><br />Plus then I will have something to tell people when I see them on wednesday and they ask, "so what are you up to?" Ah, it'll be grand. I can hear those awkward conversations dissipating into the past as I type these words. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Oh shit its 12:53 already. Christ, well I better get sleepy very soon. Maybe I'll have a glass of wine. No no no, alcohol should be kept to a minimum in new fantastic peace-bringing lifestyle. <br /><br />I'll just eat something starchy.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-91936304760127486532008-07-21T12:27:00.002-04:002008-07-21T12:37:14.390-04:00Jesus F****ing ChristOh today is a dark dark day. Rain clouds are gathering and I am in a foul foul mood my friends.<br /><br />Its hard to find something positive to hold onto, even though I had a really lovely weekend. Everywhere I look I see problems and missed opportunities. Going away to somewhere do idyllic and pleasant just brings my actual day-to-day life into stark contrast.<br /><br />I feel discouraged ALL the time. All the time. I don't really feel like getting out of the bed in the morning. I have nothing to do all day but domestic messes to be cleaned away, little insipid errands to be run, and then its back to my lonely dark apartment to waste time until I can reasonably go to bed, just to wake up again and repeat the same. Thank goodness I'm so broke, or I would just buy food and eat incessantly. <br />Guh and I know I've said this 10,000 times already on this blog, but especially these last few weeks, I feel like the more I put myself out there (which is REALLY hard for me p.s. because I have serious social anxiety issues) the more humiliating it is that I'm still getting nowhere.<br /><br />I could really use a break, man. Seriously. Just like, a paying job would be really great.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-42419009223600220422008-07-13T17:24:00.003-04:002008-07-13T17:47:25.541-04:00Sunday Still Sucks, Even When You're Out of SchoolEuch. What a wretched day I've had.<br /><br />I woke up alone in my boyfriend's apartment since he had to leave at 5 in the morning for work. We'd had another nonsense fight the night before, leaving me in tears wondering if our relationship is ever going to work in the long run. <br />I managed to actually half-express these fears before letting him convince me they were completely irrational which I now realize in retrospect was not entirely true. He's just so impossible to reason with and that really worries me, I feel like half the time he's not even really listening to me, he's just reminding himself to stay patient because I'm fucked up emotionally. Which is true, but I also do have legitimate concerns, I'm not a complete basket case and I do have rational feelings of my own. Grrrrrr.<br />It probably didn't help matters that we had sex later anyway and then after sex I was in a much better mood. But these nonsense fights are still a huge problem and make me feel insecure in the relationship and that will eventually make the sex a lot less mood-enhancing.<br /><br />Ever since I came home this morning, I've been really depressed. I mean how incompetent am I that I can't even find a fucking job in NYC of all places. And I can't even tell my boyfriend how I feel. What the fuck. Have I suddenly regressed to some infantile state? It seems like such a cognitive split would result from more than a negligible stressor liek graduating from college. It's the being unemployed that's got me really freaking out. That and this whole mess with relationships.<br /><br />I just feel like my whole life is a mess. My mother is becoming increasingly less supportive since I have basically nothing to tell her about how I'm progressing my career by staying in new york and she went so far as to tell me today that she doesn't think I should sign a lease on my apartment. Which basically means, she thinks I've already failed. Which is NOT true, that is not true, I have not failed. I just haven't really tried yet. Which is totally different.<br /><br />I just need to find a fucking job to pay the bills and have a schedule so when I audition for shows, which of course don't pay, I can answer questions that are sure to arise, such as "what's your schedule like?"<br /><br />I mean I don't even feel like that's a rationalization, I feel like that is totally legitimate. <br /><br />I seriously hate sundays. They have always been so depressing and although I thought the whole graduating from college thing might alleviate those feelings, apparently it has only aggravated them - as every sunday I am reminded what I did not get done the week before. And now we are talking things like, "make money to pay rent."<br /><br />AND my internet is failing, I swear to god, every time I've tried to send a resume this weekend. Every junk email comes through loud and clear but as soon as I try and send a resume? Nope. 'Connection failed'<br /><br /><br />Jesus. At least I have the hip-hop of my neighbors on the street to console me.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-8089006330200960902008-07-08T01:59:00.002-04:002008-07-08T02:17:27.572-04:00PhiladelphiaI have finally learned to spell it!<br /><br />So the weekend was mostly a huge success, although slightly dampered by the monstrous hang-over I had from thursday night (during which I drank half a bottle of tequila and then spent the next 3 hours throwing it back up into the bowl my poor boyfriend was holding as he slicked back my hair).<br /><br />Before I go on, let me tell you how amazing my boyfriend is. First he finds my incredibly drunk self stumbling around his apartment with his best friend's girlfriend. He then helps me into bed, where I throw up on his sheets (oops!). Then he kindly takes me into the bathroom and helps me get undressed so I can sit in the shower. Then he puts on swimtrunks (!!) so he can sit next to me in the bathroom while I lay on the floor of his bathtub and moan into the drain, telling me everything will be ok. Then he lifts me out of the bathtub, naked, drunk and very nauseous, and tries to get me back into bed because I've turned the water off and fallen trying to do it myself. Halfway there, I start feeling sick again and he holds me upright, while also holding the bowl into which I'm being sick, AND holding my hair out of the action. Then finally he tucks me into bed, bowl on one side, boyfriend on the other. In new sheets of course.<br /><br />Amazing huh? And he wasn't even mad the next day. He was so sweet to me all morning and made me some toast and let me eat his roommates' banana. <br /><br />I love him :)<br /><br />I met a couple of his really close friends and despite my insistent nausea, I think I made a pretty good impression. I took a nap later on the boat (yeah, a boat + hangover requires some serious self-control over the digestive tract) and ate a steak sandwich and I felt much better by the time we went for a drink before the fireworks.<br /><br />On another note, Philadelphia is a very charming city. I like all the row-houses and old colonial-style buildings. I really go for that stuff, being from Seattle, where the oldest buildings are from like 1920.<br /><br />We walked around a little, hung out with his Dad on the boat, went to a Philly's game (they lost, although the bf rallied a little for my sake) and spent two lovely nights together. I just love waking up to him. It feels good on such an instinctual level waking up with a man. I don't know. It makes me a little giddy.<br /><br />Now I'm back and I won't see him until friday - which is maybe best when I get in moods like this and don't feel so hot about my own life. I need to refocus and get shit done. I WILL get a job this week. Every day I will do something: email resumes, call, drop by. I need a paycheck like whoa.<br /><br />I also can't believe its almost mid-july!! When did that happen? Jesus. I feel like I graduated yesterday.<br /><br />Weird.<br /><br /><br />p.s. sorry about all the boyfriend stuff, but he really won me over this weekend :)tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-23173167884228937482008-07-02T13:44:00.003-04:002008-07-02T14:01:18.116-04:00I Don't Wanna Fight Death and All of His FriendsYou know, at first I wasn't sure about the new Coldplay album, but the more I listen to it, the more it becomes a PERFECT summer soundtrack.<br /><br />Yesterday was absolute bliss. We went out to Coney Island and sat in the sun all day long, soaking up the UV rays and the sand (which was in a fine layer over my entire body by the end of the day, giving me the appearance of being finely breaded and ready for the fryer). I spent most of my time obsessively applying and reapplying sunblock, which I am proud to say worked admirably as I, the palest human being on planet earth, was in the sun from 12-6 and I didn't burn at all. Hoorah! It can be done!<br /><br />Now all my clothes smell intoxicatingly like the beach and I never ever want to wash them. It was a perfect summer day. And then we all went to Puttanesca for Em's Birthday and had more warm + friendly times. It was just nice. Nice to be back.<br /><br />I love summer. Even though it is sort of a black hole of progress so far. It's the island of the lotus eaters.<br /><br />But this summer day, will be a productive one. In fact, the month of July, I predict, will be a very productive month. It must be. It will be. Today I will put aside my anxieties and do AT LEAST the following:<br /><br />1. Clean my room<br />2. Unpack<br />3. Buy toilet paper<br />4. Go to the bank and deposit my $$ and get a roll of quarters<br />5. Do laundry<br />6. Call Sava Spa once I know the name of the receptionist, and inquire about the job<br /><br />These are my projects for the day.<br /><br />If I feel especially ambitious and energized by my successes, maybe I'll even go to the laundromat and wash my rug and coverlet, which I told my mother I had done 5 weeks ago and of course had never done.<br /><br />And true, the day has not gotten out to a particularly productive start, but I let myself sleep in as much as I wanted since I hadn't done that in weeks. So even though I slept until 12:30 I will still prove to myself that I am a fully capable individual who can get things done just like everyone else.<br /><br />Yes! I feel good about this. I'm going to eat my breakfast/lunch now.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-45458015853199723092008-07-01T03:22:00.002-04:002008-07-01T03:41:28.971-04:00ambien plz kthnxwell I've been back for approximately 24 hours and as you can see, not much has changed.<br />Still unemployed (although plus one paycheck for the guiding light thing), still agent/managerless, still surrounded by dirty laundry, still broke, still staying up until 4am for no rational reason.<br /><br />I did take part in a reading series for a playwright's group tonight though, which was absolutely the most fun I've had acting since I graduated. <br />FIRST I read for a 35-year-old wise-cracking 18th century American socialite in an adaptation of a Henry James novel. In which the playwright was kind enough to <span style="font-style:italic;">mark in the script with red ink</span> any lines with sexual innuendo, marking them with big brackets and the words "double meaning here". I mean it wasn't even subtext, there was literally the line, "I would appoint you my personal beefeater." <br /><br />The delight of playing the role was initially diminished by my being recast due to the director's clear impression that I looked a lot older in person than he expected. Goddamit!! (Maybe its those bags under my eyes from staying up until 4am)<br /><br />Anyway, in the end it was so much fun I wish the play had gone on and on purely for my own personal enjoyment. If I only thought they might cast me if they were to actually stage the play. But they wouldn't of course, nor should they, since there are plenty of perfectly capable actual 35 year old actresses out there. <br /><br />Then we read the first scene of a play that is, for all I can tell, about a diner owner's obsession with Holstein cows.<br /><br />It was hilarious. Definitely worth the treck downtown, plus I stopped at Whole Foods and had some Lentil soup and read my book to kill time in the afternoon. <br /><br />All in all, I pleasant meaningless day but with substantial amusement, so I shant dare to complain. <br /><br />I am rapidly eating through my life's savings however and by the end of the week, I MUST have a job. I'm looking into a receptionist position at a very swanky spa not far from my house. We shall see. If there is anything that qualifies you for a job like that, I should think that I have those skills.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-72532241252747725922008-06-28T02:10:00.002-04:002008-06-28T02:43:48.320-04:00Stockholm SyndromeThe creepiest thing about being at home is that it is so comfortable, effortless and easy that it almost lulls you into saying, "It's nice here..." I imagine this is what it feels like to become institutionalized, like in a mental ward, or possibly on death row. So angst-free when I'm not fighting with the guards, no pesky planning of the day ahead since it's all pre-regimented for me, lots of sleep. No uncertainties. Relatively little responsibility. Just be on your best behavior. Maybe freedom is over-rated. <br /><br />I mean you wake up late, you don't go to work, people feed you or at least provide the means by which you can feed yourself, it's a lovely sunny, warm day (not stinking, humid and hot), you get to drive a car with the wind in your hair and the stereo turned up, your only "job" is to go through all your old crap (which for me mostly means my intensely OCD mother goes through everything and I sit and watch), and then you go to sleep in probably the most comfortable bed in christendom (I don't know why or how this mattress is so comfortable, I think we got it at costco, but it is so delicious that whenever I lay down my back goes, "ahhhhh!").<br /><br />Ok so not really like prison. But with the same banal brainless sort of consistency that pleases simple beings like infants, the recently comatose, or, as in my case, the incredibly high strung.<br /><br />If it wasn't for all the people I miss and all the fun I am missing I think I might be reluctant to go back early! Isn't that sick?! Because actually, I totally hate it here!! It just gets into you like some sort of zombie disease. Or the rage virus, only it's not rage it's just soul-sucking boredom.<br /><br />I think what is making me feel so, you know, I-long-for-the-good-old-days-that-never<br />-really-existed, is all the uncertainty and scary broke-ness that I'm heading back to. Plus my lack of acting prospects on the horizon is a little depressing. I am doing a reading on monday though, so I really shouldn't complain.<br /><br />And I have to get a job that I hate. I hate having a job that I hate! But all the jobs I don't hate, don't pay! And I need a job that pays. Like a lot. So I guess I'll be entering data for $15 an hour or something. Luckily I have enough pleasant distractions in my life to subdue the suicidal tendencies I'm sure that would drive any person to - like my 4th of july plans. Are you sitting down? <br /><br />I'm meeting The Family! And by The Family, I don't mean mine of course. That would not be a cause for excitement, only self-mutilation. I mean the boyfriend's! I know, big step. I have fantasies of baking a gourmet home-made meyer lemon summer fruit tart to impress my hosts - so my mere presence won't be a let down - but I have a feeling it will be more like <span style="font-style:italic;">buying</span> a gourmet home-made meyer lemon fruit tart to impress my hosts. But hey, that means I frequent bakeries - and that means I don't count carbs - and that means I'm not an entirely nervous wreck. And that is pretty impressive, for a New Yorker.<br /><br />I will post soon with details about Meg's Visit and The Most Beautiful Wedding Ever but that delicious bed is a-calling!tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-64363195190207911372008-06-18T03:38:00.002-04:002008-06-18T04:27:34.914-04:00June BugI think I am ill in the brain. Or possibly poisoned from the paint fumes.<br /><br />My mother decided tonight was the perfect evening to go about painting the upstairs bathroom, so I've been in a tiny cubicle of a room priming, re-priming, and painting for the last 6 hours. And sweating, and getting paint on every exposed surface on my body, including UP my nose. <br />Yeah, I don't know either.<br />My brain is addled by the fumes and my entire body aches. Painting is just full of awkward positions - and not in the good entertaining way. In the ouch I've never felt that muscle before way. Which means tomorrow, I will be sore in places I've never experienced conscious sensation in before. Should be bracing!<br /><br />Good thing too, because I've got to wake up at 7:30am to help my mother find the sprinkler heads in our lawn so when the thatcher comes tomorrow, he won't uproot the whole system.<br /><br />This is why being at home is like being sucked into a black hole of very foreboding suburban banality. I feel like at any minute I will start finding dead bodies under floorboards, or be recruited into a cult by my oppressively friendly neighbors.<br />Actually, no. None of these things will happen. Because nothing new or interesting EVER HAPPENS HERE.<br /><br />Well unless you count the haircut I got today. From <span style="font-style:italic;">the</span> ex-boyfriend, italics intended, whose presence always sends me into a cataclysmic spiral of both joy and doubt, second guessing every decision I've ever made since I was 15 years old. <br />But to be fair, I would hardly call that new :) and therefore I'm sure no one would find it interesting.<br />I mean except me. I of course am endlessly fascinated by myself. I could hardly call myself a suburban white middle-class college graduate in my early 20's without believing my life to be the most complicated conflicted confusing thing on the planet. I would shock you with the intimate details I am privy to. It's a virtual circus of emotional pathology. Lions, Tigers, and Bears (you decide what those correlate to, I'm too exhausted to be researched).<br /><br />I've been in a daze since seeing <span style="font-style:italic;">the</span> ex, whom I was very happy to see but was not expecting to be so thrown from the whole encounter. It's not like we're on the path for reconciliation or anything, there couldn't be more reasons why that is NOT going to happen, but every time I see him I'm reminded of what it felt like to love him and that always throws me for a loop. <br /><br />I know I should be really proud of myself for the progress I've made. I'm in a new relationship with a patient and understanding man who brings warmth, affection and stability into my life AND in turn not putting him up on some insane pedestal and setting up unreal expectations for either of us. Seriously, I wasn't really sure I was capable of that. I mean it hasn't even been 3 months so, I really shouldn't say this yet since I'll undoubtedly fuck it up, but this could possibly be the most healthy relationship I've ever been in.<br /><br />Regardless of this, the memories of that consuming, forever fluctuating, breathless, euphoric, addictive, often torturous love that I felt before are so seductive. I feel like a new patient on Lithium, longing after mania. It's just foolishness. I really thought that I would never be capable of feeling secure and fulfilled in a relationship and it turns out that I am and that has made me so indescribably content. <br /><br />But oh sometimes, I miss being foolish. Being smart sucks all of the romance out of everything, the fantasy, the drama, the poetry, the sensuality, what I had always thought of as beautiful. <br /><br />If we are going to raise our children on fairytales then we should stick with the originals - I would have had much more realistic and informed expectations about falling in love if the Little Mermaid had ended up alone and offed herself at the end of the movie. I would have been traumatized possibly, but I ended up that way eventually in any case, so it hardly saved me any pain in the end.<br /><br />Anyway, like I said. Paint fumes.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-2406743479102269062008-06-11T01:49:00.002-04:002008-06-11T02:14:36.387-04:00Steam & The CitySo on Friday, hell opened up and the city of new york was flooded with hot humid air. All breeze departed for the weekend, possibly to the Hamptons, and we all suffered. Thank Jesus that I have an air conditioner, albeit the noisiest air conditioner in existence, to save me from drowning in a pool of my own sweat.<br /><br />I mean it was 100 degrees and raining. That is just fucking disgusting. Not to mention how dirty that water is, and probably full of acid and pollutants. I should really have been showering more, but all I wanted to do was lay in bed in my air conditioned room.<br /><br />I did however, see the Sex & The City Movie which I went into with low expectations. I'm not a super fan, I mean I've seen all of the series, mostly on DVD, but I didn't dress up for the movie or anything. Oh and there were PLENTY who did, let me tell you. It was blistering hot and sweaty and yet swarms of suburbanite teenagers and overly-orange soccor moms from Jersey out on 'Girls Night' flooded the Times Square AMC in their A-line halter dresses and high heels, hair perfectly coiffed, make-up caked and painted on in broad strokes. It was a sight to behold. Like some strange, tribal female right of passage or fertility ritual. Plus Gays.<br /><br />Anyway, I had heard tell that the movie was like one long female-audience-inclined fart joke. I was ready to be underwhelmed.<br />And you know what? I had a grand old time. I laughed my ass off, I made side comments to Ian, I cried (that scene on the bridge - oh my god), I gasped and stared in awe at the breath-taking designer couture (bridal! eeeeeee!!). I wondered at how Jennifer Hudson can be such a powerhouse of soul when she sings and yet can't act her way out of a paper bag. <br /><br />All in all I left that movie utterly satiated. Was it over the top? Oh god yes. But that's the beauty of the show. It's like crack, pop-culture crack for women who spent their early lives dreaming of prince charming and now have been dating for several years and wonder what fucking rabbit hole they fell down. With designer clothes and shoes. And gays. Did I mention the gays? <br /><br />And girlfriends. Every woman dreams of having a close-knit group of die-hard girlfriends who would spoon-feed you yogurt in bed if the man you loved devastated you. No judgement or pressure, just total love, support and acceptance. Who would let you double-fist the margaritas if you felt like it. Tell the man who broke your heart that they curse the day he was born and let their water break all over his imported dress shoes. That'll show him, amniotic fluid will never come out of that Italian leather.<br /><br />Anyway, a toast to my girlfriends who I love so very much! One of whom is getting married (bridal! eee!!!) the weekend after next and one of whom is flying 3000 miles to complete the trio at the wedding. I love you girls, in that true sister love sort of way where you can completely be yourself and be a better person at the same time. <br /><br />:)tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-70920417491582410892008-06-08T02:46:00.003-04:002008-06-08T03:19:12.015-04:00Currently: (a.k.a. I Keep Terrible Hours)<span style="font-weight:bold;">Listening to:</span> ADELE's cover of Make You Feel My Love <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Longing for:</span> A little spooning...<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Happy About:</span> My lovely friends and a pleasant afternoon<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Unhappy About:</span> Ugh my career<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Afraid of:</span> Running out of money<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Should Be:</span> Oh, sleeping of course.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Shouldn't be:</span> Staying up till 3am watching taxicab confessions/iron chef america<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Crushing on:</span> AOH :)<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Hearing:</span> Car doors slamming on the street, people talking, air conditioners...<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Seeing:</span> A large pile of unsorted papers that glare up at me menacingly. I'm sure there's a bill somewhere in there that I haven't paid. Real life is scary.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Smelling:</span> My room, which is inordinately messy right now. Smells like pine (from my new shelves) and remnants of perfume and laundry. And almonds from my lotion.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Tasting:</span> A nice cool glass of ice-water...mmmm...<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Touching:</span> My supple computer keys which make the loveliest sound<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Crying Over:</span> The Sex & The City movie this afternoon...don't look at me like that, I wasn't the only one! Vince did it too!<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Rooting For:</span> Any approaching cold fronts<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Laughing About:</span> My ridiculous responses to this exercise, as if it wasn't clear enough already that I lead a stagnant meaningless existence<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Wishing For:</span> An exciting acting prospect. Or to win the lottery. Or like six lotteries at once.<br /><br />Alright, well, I'm going to go curl up in bed with a book and stop whining about my life because actually, I have so much to be grateful for. I'm not completely broke (yet), I have at least a survival job lined up for when I come back, I live close to all of my favorite people except one, who will be returning to new york city tomorrow. I'm hoping I can sneak my way into his bed tomorrow night, we shall see. I'm trying to maximize whats left of this week before I leave on thursday. <br /><br />I'm coming back to Seattle for a couple of weeks on the 12th. I can't wait for the wedding but am otherwise dreading it completely. My mother was just here for a month ruining some of the most precious moments of my life. Why must this continue? Can't I get like a 2 month reprieve? Jesus.<br /><br />And good night!tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-2971195136530133682008-06-06T15:24:00.003-04:002008-06-06T15:37:33.105-04:00F*cking Bloody Transit Court = Day from HELLWell I just wasted an entire day thanks to the New York City Transit Authority and the lovely men in blue of the NYPD.<br /><br />Thanks guys! Not only did I spend my entire morning and most of my afternoon waiting to contest this absolutely ludicrous ticket you gave me (its a long story, I won't get into it, but it was a TOTAL misunderstanding) but in the end you didn't give a shit about my testimony, and I still have to pay the ticket in full! Great! You know, you might have just told me it would be useless so I didn't waste the time and energy schlepping out to brooklyn, where the office had been moved to some mysterious address I had to find with the help of numerous disgruntled shopkeepers. I took the day off work and I still have to pay this goddam $70?! <br /><br />Well I mean I would have taken the day off work, if I had a job.<br /><br />WHICH IS WHY I DON'T HAVE THE $70!!!<br /><br />Good news is, the temp agency did finally call me, but now doesn't even want to talk to me until I get back after my trip (understandably). At least I'll have a job when I get back.<br /><br />Oh and speaking of jobs, I have my first ever paying gig doing some background work on The Guiding Light this tuesday. I know, a little anti-climactic, and could result in the future in hefty union dues, but guess what? I need the money!<br /><br />Especially now that I have to pay these motherf*ucking ticket. <br /><br /><br />As for my acting career, this manager who I was really excited about meeting with keeps putting me off. And I'm now sure I didn't get the part in that fringe show (and I bet I know who did). <br /><br />Jesus.<br /><br />I need a drink. Luckily the alumni reunion in tonight, and although it seems a little silly for me to attend since I only became an alumnus like two weeks ago, there is an open bar soooooooooo yeah I'll be there.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30008611.post-39394564403551764802008-06-05T00:58:00.000-04:002008-06-05T00:59:05.014-04:00GuhI want a career.tête de linottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11538418922615352474noreply@blogger.com1