Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Sleep? What?

After pulling a crazy all-nighter, where I can honestly say that I actually worked through the entire night, and somehow struggling through my oh-so-favorite day of the week, I get home at 11pm and what do I do?

I watch TV and dick around until 2am.

There just comes a point where you are so tired that you just can't stop not sleeping. You think to yourself, "well, it can't get any worse than this"

and then "oh look! A show about the Nick's City Dancers, I should definitely watch this."

Monday, October 29, 2007

The 'weak' in 'weekend'

Sammy came to visit for the weekend and it was so great. She and I and Meg spent lots of quality time together. It was so lovely! I miss having them around. I miss normal people! I mean normal but secretly weird and hilarious, but seemingly normal. Actually what I really mean is functional. And not addicted to drugs or alcohol.

Anyway it made us all very nostalgic. Its sad that we'll never all live together in the same town again, considering we lived in the same apartment for three years.

What a great weekend!

Of course I got none of my work down however, so I'm gonna have an awful week full of sleep-deprivation and stress.

I really need to rethink how much effort and thought I put into managing my time.

And less effort and thought into how I'm going to afford to drink.

Monday, October 22, 2007

song beneath the song

I like drawing with charcoal. I love it, in fact, so much better than pencil or ink. I think because I can get my hands into the shadows and spread them daintily or piercingly as the case may be. I put my computer on one of my pandora stations () and just zone out.

I also like tearing my putty eraser into long strings and feeling the fibers go soft and downy. Then I rub the charcoal off my wrists and palms (and arms and face and legs etc...I'm a naturally messy person).

I went to bed at 10:30 last night because I just couldn't think about anything that was going on in life right then. I was sitting there discussing the night before with Morgan and I just was so overwhelmed that I stood up, went to my room, took off my clothes, turned the lights off and went to bed. At 10:20 on a saturday! I mean that's not me.

Even so, getting out of bed this morning was still difficult. Not in the I-have-nothing-to-get-up-for way, certainly not, I mean, if nothing else I was hungry since I'd never actually eaten dinner. But my whole body was just so exhausted and I kept waking up and rolling over again, back to sleep.

I was talking to Meg today (love her) about how terrified I am of my show. I mean really if you put it in simplistic terms it's a celebration of a story that...I think is imagined. Not that I don't long for those things too, I mean of a perfect goodness in the universe, but when you come down to it, I can't believe that exists. I mean I can hope it does, but can't fully surrender to that belief. And that's my own fault, I mean at some point in my life, that was a choice I made, somehow.
I often wish I could turn myself around, to get down on my knees, and to give it all over. I've even tried, honestly, even the whole getting down on your knees part. I even tell myself I've done it. But in the end, it turns out that I haven't really, and bad things happen, deep dissapointments come and come again, and I know that they always will. They always will.

That isn't to say that life isn't beautiful, it is. That's what makes it worth living. Some single moments and experiences are so unspeakably beautiful that they can sustain a person for a lifetime, and most lives are full of those moments.

In the middle ages they thought that fate was a wheel. Spinning on the axis of time, you're always on the way up, or on the way down. How can you love the force spinning that wheel? I suppose knowing that once they plunge you into darkness they'll bring you back into the light. But then they just plunge you back into darkness again - i mean - how can you trust that person, give them your love and your faith. And forgive them. My mind and body revolt from surrendering to someone who hurts me, call it hyper-vigilance, call me what you will.

And in the end, it doesn't make a difference what you believe. That wheel keeps turning, time passes and there are beautiful moments and terrible ones, and that is life.

How can I play this part and sincerely wish people to do something that to me, makes no sense? That to me, at least for now, is empty?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Deborah Kerr

Gorgeous, classy, sophisticated, legs for days...

What a loss.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Run-Down

So I woke up at 7am this morning to go to the physical therapist.

I was walking across town on my way there and it was a beautiful morning. A little chilly but not too cold and not too windy. The streets were still relatively calm, people just starting to make their way to work but before the 9am rush. It was lovely, I felt really awake and ready to face the day.

Then physical therapy was just depressing. Although I am pretty happy with the progress I've made the pain is not actually any better. Not any better after the two weeks in the fucking brace from hell. My physical therapist looked worried and she left the room while I was doing electrostimulation to call my doctor about it. She's still convinced that I've got a tear in my ACL or meniscus that's keeping my MCL from healing properly. Her version of the bright side? The other injury may be inoperable, so there's nothing that could have been done anyway.

I'd call that a reach for a best-case scenario.

Now I'm just filled with anxiety. I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow morning, she may want to take another MRI. I just want it to be over. I don't even care about the pain, I just want to know that my knee is going to get better really really soon. That my career isn't permanently handicapped. That I'm not going to have to go through an extremely painful surgery that will take me years to recover from, and have arthritic knees when I'm 30 years old.

This is just a fucking nightmare and the pain makes everything ten times worse. I'm irritable, hyper-sensitive, unmotivated and unproductive, and extremely withdrawn. I really need some comfort and I just have nowhere, nowhere to get it.

And I felt so good this morning! It really makes a person feel utterly defeated. And its not even 10am and I'll be in class or rehearsal literally until 11pm tonight. How am I going to get through this? I already want to burst into tears.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Dear Weatherman:

Do you ever feel like a hurricane?
Tearing aluminum roofs off in anonymous trailer parks?
You are like a wise and patient meteorologist.
You have a good storm sense.
And I like the way you look.

I’m sorry I rage.

It’s just my nature.

Forgive me?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Meow Meow Meow

So funny story.

You know how I was looking forward to getting my brace off, counting the days, you know, planning all the things I was finally going to be able to do. I was excited.

So turns out, life sans brace = a new level of pain.

I literally cried through all of my exercises. It was awful. And my range of motion is HORRIBLE and I cannot walk normally. I think I forgot how and my body is NOT anxious to remind me. I try to walk normally and my body send a message from my knee to my brain saying, "Whaaaa wait why would you want to do that? It hurts! Absolutely not. No no no. Nope, busy, no."

I got really scared so I called my mom (listen, I'm codependent, its not a crime) and she assured me that it would get better, that she felt the same way, that is was hopeless but it really does get better, and I should go to the YMCA and swim, meow meow meow. And she's right.

I would have done it today but its raining! I don't like walking in the rain. New York City rain is not ok. Seattle rain is nice because its light and clean and smells good. New York City rain is hard and smells horrible and probably has little droplets of incinorated body parts in it or something. Or bed-bugs. Something really disgusting. I got caught in the rain on my way back from a reading I did downtown and I was soaked to the bone, through my clothes and everything. Not anxious to do that again.

Alright well, I'm going to try my exercises. I took a pain killer, hopefully it won't be completely hellish.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Melancholy Tide

I took the plunge and I hit the water hard but it felt so cool and dark and inviting that I swam deeper, knowing it would be heaven to let go. But now the light is fading above my head, and I'm so far down that I don't know which way is up. I'm all alone at the bottom of the sea while he tugs on away across the surface.
Its an uncomfortably familiar feeling. Reminds me of the first time I felt it, six years ago, and each time after. Its just hard to believe I dove in again - even harder to believe I was eager to do it.

A body never learns.

Monday, October 01, 2007

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

I've been listening to the Across the Universe soundtrack for pretty much 48 hours nonstop. I tried to listen to it while writing my paper, but I mostly sang 'I want to hold you hand' for about 6 hours.

Ok, exaggeration. But I got NOTHING done, which means I'll be working my ass off all night tonight, while Kelsey is here, which sucks. I suck!

Oh well....close your eyes and I'll kiss you, tomorrow I'll miss you, remember I'll always be true!

first acting class today with Diane Weast! Excited...wish I wasn't in an enormous leg brace!