Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Happiness is not on Craigslist

I'm going to get a job tomorrow. I'm going out armed with resumes (real and embellished because apparently lying is the only way one finds a job in this town) and I will end with the promise of a paycheck. That's right!

I even cleaned my absolute disaster area of a room in preparation. This week will not be like every other week of my pathetic summer. Everything will be different!

At the very least, I will live my life as if I had a job. Eat regular meals, go to the gym (or AT LEAST do a pilates video or something, jesus), accomplish long-undone tasks in my life, do my laundry before it surrounds me in enormous piles, keep my apartment clean...you know, normal people stuff. Because feeling sorry for myself since I haven't been accomplishing anything except feeling sorry for myself, is probably at the root of this whole problem. You know like think positive thoughts and make positive choices and positive things will happen in your life. Or whatever. Listen, I haven't read The Secret but I'm not a complete fuckwit.

Anyway, so to kick-start this whole development (I'm REALLY desperately trying to stay hopeful, can you tell?) I will go to bed before 2am. And awake before 11. I know. Crazy talk. But I will do it, even if it kills me. I will begrudgingly wake up to my alarm at 10:30 tomorrow. And then you know what I'll do? I'll iron clothing for my fantastic job interviews which will go famously and everyone will be clamoring to hire me!! Go to the bank (v. depressing but as I'm actually making a deposit, I feel ok about it)! Maybe I'll do a good deed! Go for a brisk walk! I don't know, anything's possible!!

Yess!! This will be the day! Hoorah!

Plus then I will have something to tell people when I see them on wednesday and they ask, "so what are you up to?" Ah, it'll be grand. I can hear those awkward conversations dissipating into the past as I type these words.

Oh shit its 12:53 already. Christ, well I better get sleepy very soon. Maybe I'll have a glass of wine. No no no, alcohol should be kept to a minimum in new fantastic peace-bringing lifestyle.

I'll just eat something starchy.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Jesus F****ing Christ

Oh today is a dark dark day. Rain clouds are gathering and I am in a foul foul mood my friends.

Its hard to find something positive to hold onto, even though I had a really lovely weekend. Everywhere I look I see problems and missed opportunities. Going away to somewhere do idyllic and pleasant just brings my actual day-to-day life into stark contrast.

I feel discouraged ALL the time. All the time. I don't really feel like getting out of the bed in the morning. I have nothing to do all day but domestic messes to be cleaned away, little insipid errands to be run, and then its back to my lonely dark apartment to waste time until I can reasonably go to bed, just to wake up again and repeat the same. Thank goodness I'm so broke, or I would just buy food and eat incessantly.
Guh and I know I've said this 10,000 times already on this blog, but especially these last few weeks, I feel like the more I put myself out there (which is REALLY hard for me p.s. because I have serious social anxiety issues) the more humiliating it is that I'm still getting nowhere.

I could really use a break, man. Seriously. Just like, a paying job would be really great.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Sunday Still Sucks, Even When You're Out of School

Euch. What a wretched day I've had.

I woke up alone in my boyfriend's apartment since he had to leave at 5 in the morning for work. We'd had another nonsense fight the night before, leaving me in tears wondering if our relationship is ever going to work in the long run.
I managed to actually half-express these fears before letting him convince me they were completely irrational which I now realize in retrospect was not entirely true. He's just so impossible to reason with and that really worries me, I feel like half the time he's not even really listening to me, he's just reminding himself to stay patient because I'm fucked up emotionally. Which is true, but I also do have legitimate concerns, I'm not a complete basket case and I do have rational feelings of my own. Grrrrrr.
It probably didn't help matters that we had sex later anyway and then after sex I was in a much better mood. But these nonsense fights are still a huge problem and make me feel insecure in the relationship and that will eventually make the sex a lot less mood-enhancing.

Ever since I came home this morning, I've been really depressed. I mean how incompetent am I that I can't even find a fucking job in NYC of all places. And I can't even tell my boyfriend how I feel. What the fuck. Have I suddenly regressed to some infantile state? It seems like such a cognitive split would result from more than a negligible stressor liek graduating from college. It's the being unemployed that's got me really freaking out. That and this whole mess with relationships.

I just feel like my whole life is a mess. My mother is becoming increasingly less supportive since I have basically nothing to tell her about how I'm progressing my career by staying in new york and she went so far as to tell me today that she doesn't think I should sign a lease on my apartment. Which basically means, she thinks I've already failed. Which is NOT true, that is not true, I have not failed. I just haven't really tried yet. Which is totally different.

I just need to find a fucking job to pay the bills and have a schedule so when I audition for shows, which of course don't pay, I can answer questions that are sure to arise, such as "what's your schedule like?"

I mean I don't even feel like that's a rationalization, I feel like that is totally legitimate.

I seriously hate sundays. They have always been so depressing and although I thought the whole graduating from college thing might alleviate those feelings, apparently it has only aggravated them - as every sunday I am reminded what I did not get done the week before. And now we are talking things like, "make money to pay rent."

AND my internet is failing, I swear to god, every time I've tried to send a resume this weekend. Every junk email comes through loud and clear but as soon as I try and send a resume? Nope. 'Connection failed'

Jesus. At least I have the hip-hop of my neighbors on the street to console me.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008


I have finally learned to spell it!

So the weekend was mostly a huge success, although slightly dampered by the monstrous hang-over I had from thursday night (during which I drank half a bottle of tequila and then spent the next 3 hours throwing it back up into the bowl my poor boyfriend was holding as he slicked back my hair).

Before I go on, let me tell you how amazing my boyfriend is. First he finds my incredibly drunk self stumbling around his apartment with his best friend's girlfriend. He then helps me into bed, where I throw up on his sheets (oops!). Then he kindly takes me into the bathroom and helps me get undressed so I can sit in the shower. Then he puts on swimtrunks (!!) so he can sit next to me in the bathroom while I lay on the floor of his bathtub and moan into the drain, telling me everything will be ok. Then he lifts me out of the bathtub, naked, drunk and very nauseous, and tries to get me back into bed because I've turned the water off and fallen trying to do it myself. Halfway there, I start feeling sick again and he holds me upright, while also holding the bowl into which I'm being sick, AND holding my hair out of the action. Then finally he tucks me into bed, bowl on one side, boyfriend on the other. In new sheets of course.

Amazing huh? And he wasn't even mad the next day. He was so sweet to me all morning and made me some toast and let me eat his roommates' banana.

I love him :)

I met a couple of his really close friends and despite my insistent nausea, I think I made a pretty good impression. I took a nap later on the boat (yeah, a boat + hangover requires some serious self-control over the digestive tract) and ate a steak sandwich and I felt much better by the time we went for a drink before the fireworks.

On another note, Philadelphia is a very charming city. I like all the row-houses and old colonial-style buildings. I really go for that stuff, being from Seattle, where the oldest buildings are from like 1920.

We walked around a little, hung out with his Dad on the boat, went to a Philly's game (they lost, although the bf rallied a little for my sake) and spent two lovely nights together. I just love waking up to him. It feels good on such an instinctual level waking up with a man. I don't know. It makes me a little giddy.

Now I'm back and I won't see him until friday - which is maybe best when I get in moods like this and don't feel so hot about my own life. I need to refocus and get shit done. I WILL get a job this week. Every day I will do something: email resumes, call, drop by. I need a paycheck like whoa.

I also can't believe its almost mid-july!! When did that happen? Jesus. I feel like I graduated yesterday.


p.s. sorry about all the boyfriend stuff, but he really won me over this weekend :)

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

I Don't Wanna Fight Death and All of His Friends

You know, at first I wasn't sure about the new Coldplay album, but the more I listen to it, the more it becomes a PERFECT summer soundtrack.

Yesterday was absolute bliss. We went out to Coney Island and sat in the sun all day long, soaking up the UV rays and the sand (which was in a fine layer over my entire body by the end of the day, giving me the appearance of being finely breaded and ready for the fryer). I spent most of my time obsessively applying and reapplying sunblock, which I am proud to say worked admirably as I, the palest human being on planet earth, was in the sun from 12-6 and I didn't burn at all. Hoorah! It can be done!

Now all my clothes smell intoxicatingly like the beach and I never ever want to wash them. It was a perfect summer day. And then we all went to Puttanesca for Em's Birthday and had more warm + friendly times. It was just nice. Nice to be back.

I love summer. Even though it is sort of a black hole of progress so far. It's the island of the lotus eaters.

But this summer day, will be a productive one. In fact, the month of July, I predict, will be a very productive month. It must be. It will be. Today I will put aside my anxieties and do AT LEAST the following:

1. Clean my room
2. Unpack
3. Buy toilet paper
4. Go to the bank and deposit my $$ and get a roll of quarters
5. Do laundry
6. Call Sava Spa once I know the name of the receptionist, and inquire about the job

These are my projects for the day.

If I feel especially ambitious and energized by my successes, maybe I'll even go to the laundromat and wash my rug and coverlet, which I told my mother I had done 5 weeks ago and of course had never done.

And true, the day has not gotten out to a particularly productive start, but I let myself sleep in as much as I wanted since I hadn't done that in weeks. So even though I slept until 12:30 I will still prove to myself that I am a fully capable individual who can get things done just like everyone else.

Yes! I feel good about this. I'm going to eat my breakfast/lunch now.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

ambien plz kthnx

well I've been back for approximately 24 hours and as you can see, not much has changed.
Still unemployed (although plus one paycheck for the guiding light thing), still agent/managerless, still surrounded by dirty laundry, still broke, still staying up until 4am for no rational reason.

I did take part in a reading series for a playwright's group tonight though, which was absolutely the most fun I've had acting since I graduated.
FIRST I read for a 35-year-old wise-cracking 18th century American socialite in an adaptation of a Henry James novel. In which the playwright was kind enough to mark in the script with red ink any lines with sexual innuendo, marking them with big brackets and the words "double meaning here". I mean it wasn't even subtext, there was literally the line, "I would appoint you my personal beefeater."

The delight of playing the role was initially diminished by my being recast due to the director's clear impression that I looked a lot older in person than he expected. Goddamit!! (Maybe its those bags under my eyes from staying up until 4am)

Anyway, in the end it was so much fun I wish the play had gone on and on purely for my own personal enjoyment. If I only thought they might cast me if they were to actually stage the play. But they wouldn't of course, nor should they, since there are plenty of perfectly capable actual 35 year old actresses out there.

Then we read the first scene of a play that is, for all I can tell, about a diner owner's obsession with Holstein cows.

It was hilarious. Definitely worth the treck downtown, plus I stopped at Whole Foods and had some Lentil soup and read my book to kill time in the afternoon.

All in all, I pleasant meaningless day but with substantial amusement, so I shant dare to complain.

I am rapidly eating through my life's savings however and by the end of the week, I MUST have a job. I'm looking into a receptionist position at a very swanky spa not far from my house. We shall see. If there is anything that qualifies you for a job like that, I should think that I have those skills.