Saturday, December 30, 2006

I hate titling these things

I feel like I should reflect on 2006, but I wouldn't even know where to start.
I look back at this year, full of so many adventures, I couldn't possibly begin to speak about how these last 12 months have changed me. I embarked on the new year with an incredible journey and a million experiences that I look back on with wonder, as if they happened in a dream. And yet somehow, I feel again those little buds of excitement in the pit of my stomach thinking about each experience again, as I did the first time it happened.
Ordering crêpes on the Seine outside Kelsey's after a night of dancing.
Walking to my classes through the marbled halls whose arching ceilings once towered over some of the greatest minds the world has ever seen.
Walking through the latin quarter on a cool crisp morning, listening to my iPod and drinking in the amazing world stretched before me.
Crying quietly as I walked through the Lux Gardens, looking up at the stone statues of ancient french princesses.
Laughing and chatting with Martine and my host brothers and sisters over dinner at night.
Spending an afternoon in my favorite café, reading and writing for hours. Crossing the street to the little cinema that shows old black & white movies.
Meeting up with my american friends for a few drinks at Odéon.
Walking hand in hand, kissing in cafés, having american tourists whisper to each other, "look at that cute french couple" hehehe
My last night in Paris, Kelsey and Florian, riding through the streets of a city I love with all my heart and soul, lifting my arms up and letting my fingers float through the strange delicate perfumed air.
Crying in the arms of Juliette, Adrienne, Hélisenne, Clément on my last few days before our show. Saying goodbye to them was so bittersweet.

Qu'est-ce que vous m'avez changé mes Parisiens, et qu'est-ce que je dois une fière chandelle à Paris, pour ses bras ouverts, sa magique infectieuse pour que je vais toujours revenir et saisir encore et encore...

Oh la France...I'm going back in march, but I'm so afraid. Afraid it will be so different, afraid I will feel out of place, afraid I will no longer feel embraced. This time I will be a tourist, really a tourist, nothing more. I just want to rewind my life back to those blissfull months, a sort of suspended dream that enchanted me completely.

In other news, I've started thinking seriously about my thesis. I'm gonna need a chalkboard onstage, I hope that's possible. And some chalk.

Monday, December 25, 2006

It's a Morris Holiday

my mom and I managed to pull the decorations together at saaaaaay 3am christmas morning.


turns out my dad isn't spending christmas with my sister and daemon, as I had hoped. My mom and I don't know where he's going. Maybe he'll sleep all day long, like he did today.

My mom and I opened a bottle of wine with dinner. She had two glasses. I had the rest of the bottle. And then I had to shut myself in the bathroom to have a little cry.

I just wish something was going right right now. I'm so tired of being dissapointed.

To top it all off, I don't think my thesis is going to work. And I still haven't turned in a proposal and I still don't have an advisor.

And I'm still wavering between overcompensating and being totally fine about Hervé and being completely miserable and sad and swearing off men forever like I did sophomore year. Maybe I'll write another manifesto. God knows I need to feel something empowering.

Ironic to be plunged in this dilemma on Christmas, considering its supposed to be the birthday of the man who saved me from eternal damnation. Right now, I pretty much feel I'm headed in that exact direction.

And of course by eternal damnation I'm talking about living with my mother and drinking a bottle of wine by myself every night, watching bad romantic comedies on the Oxygen channel - for all eternity.

God, Christmas is depressing.

Friday, December 22, 2006

home sweet gnome...i mean home...

if you said that like a maxim model, it wouldn't rhyme.

SO, I'm home, sitting in my giant bed in my giant bedroom. I forgot how IKEA it was. I feel so scandinavian. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow morning and be in Oslo cuddled up with some mysterious yet tender Norwegian underwear model/chef who writes like Ibsen and makes love like a god. Is Ibsen even Norwegian? Just go with it. The magic of the season.

I had a bitter, depressing morning which came swiftly upon the heels of an awful night's sleep. I'm not going to go to Hervé's house when I go back to France for spring break because he has to work, which just for the record, I UNDERSTAND. But that does nothing at all to keep me from being really dissapointed. I want to see his adorable family. And his dog. And his house and his little village. Basically I just want to step right back into last summer and pretend nothing has ever changed. Which everything has.

Why does it always do that?

I was running through my romantic history in my head and I realized that every single relationship-type-encounter I've ever had (besides Gus, but he was CRAZY) has followed a very familiar pattern. Its always between me and someone who is not destined to be in the same place for more than at best, a few months. Or I'm leaving in a few months. Anyway, there's a big fat time-stamp on it to begin with. Things flare up and get very passionate very quickly and I start having these delusions of grandeur about the whole thing. Then the time comes and he pretends that it won't be awful and everything will be alright - and I believe it, fool that I am - and then he leaves and slowly (or not so slowly *cough*Erik Jennings*cough*) abandons me completely. Emails and phone calls get sparser and sparser, there's always a good excuse, but then eventually I get the picture and then they stop. And then its over.


sometimes they pop back into my life. I'm hoping I can become friends with at least one, who I now talk to in a suprisingly not-awkward way. And Akilles and I are awkward but I'm hoping one day it will be not-awkward.

I just can't keep getting involved with men who either can't or don't let people into their lives. And by people, I mean me. I mean, I would rearrange everything to have someone I loved come visit, I mean I have, to the point that I jeapordized things in my life that I shouldn't have. I'm not advocating that. I'm just sure that no one I've ever been with would do that. I wouldn't expect them to of course, maybe because I know they wouldn't do it. Or maybe they wouldn't do it because they know I wouldn't expect them to. I just want to be up there on somebody's list of priorities. Which I've never been to any man ever in my life. Including my father, which is a whole other can of worms.

Anyway, I'm home. I'm hoping to do a lot of drinking with my high school buds who are home. That and making life a little more bearable for my parents. And eating for free.

and scrapbooking! Hopefully.

more later,
biz, Deb

Sunday, December 17, 2006

its better that you don't know the rest

Mara says:
then you'd just be a stumpy blind woman dating a hot lesbian
Mara says:
and everyone would be like "WTF?"

Saturday, December 16, 2006

I hate fox news but...,2933,236483,00.html

there are no words...

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Why are all the good ones jaded?

I'm so tired of hearing these absurd generalities.
You can tell me 16 times that Love is a trap
don't you think I know?
Don't you think I know better than anyone?
Much better than you?
You've loved one person in your entire life
and she left you
and GOD am I sorry about that, if I could go back in time and convince her to stay I would, I really would, just to see you not crawling through life jaded like you do now, trusting no one, letting no one in.

All I have is what I can give you
which is everything
why isn't that enough?

All I want is to go to bed at night knowing that someday I'll see you again
Three times, Twice a year, once a year.
I don't care.
Just knowing that someday I will find my way back into your arms, back in front of that smile, back next to that man...I don't think anything else matters.

I'm not asking for anything.
I'm just asking you not to push me away.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006


Draping final
Acting Final
Civil War Exam
Theatre History final paper

To do:
Civil War research paper

Mainstage was posted today. Nothing.
Its funny, every time I get this knot in my stomach, every time I walk down that deserted hallway I feel that tingling down there (no not down THERE) but I search and search that list for my name and its never there.
I had a long talk with Tina about how I feel as an actor. How I feel 40 years old and I can't stop crying. She made me feel like I'm not wasting my time. I've been feeling incredibly lost lately.
I've also been filled with intense longings for Seattle, although after tonights conversation with my mother, via skype, because my phone died, I'm not so sure being close would be a great thing. GOD. My dad decided to throw a tantrum and now he wants my mom and I out of the house on christmas. My mom doesn't want to put the tree up where he can enjoy it, so she's going to hide it away in her room. Same old bullshit.
Merry Christmas.

What I am to you, is not real.
You give me mountains when I ask for the sea.

I miss nature. I hate these buildings and streets and people, cold faceless people everywhere. Everything costs 100 dollars that I don't have. The only person who believes in me is my mother. God that's depressing.

I've been feeling not supported, seriously not supported here lately. I know everyone is very busy, but I feel myself drifting farther and farther away from everyone. I can't connect, no one seems to want to, besides to laugh at jokes. I'm tired of jokes. I feel like a joke. Can't anyone see me? Have I turned invisible?

No, the problem isn't that. That's not fair. I don't know what it is. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm so tired of talking. Talking talking talking gets me no where. I walk around with headphones on so I don't have to talk. Maybe I like being withdrawn.

I have to write a proposal for my thesis, on top of it all. Fuuuuuuuuuck.

I just want to ride away to some mysterious cloudy island in a canoe like an indian princess rowing to her grave, her face resigned facing towards the horizon. I want to be brave.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Sunday, December 03, 2006


So the Busybody ended on a triumphant note. So much enthusiasm was buzzing around the stage that it propelled one of the rapiers right into the first row of the audience. Wooops. The look on the director's face, which I interpreted as frantic concern for the welfare of the audience was in fact petrifying fear of a lawsuit, she explained to me later.
Oh the Busybody. I think it was sort of a test. To see how much I love doing this when I don't get to play juicy meaty challenging and stimulating roles. Would I still really love this, even if I wasn't really fulfilled by it? Its an important question to face, since that's what will lay ahead once I'm out of school. Years and years of bit roles, where the best case scenario is a really kick-ass costume. Which reminds me, check out my tits in that top. Hello girls...
Bottom line is, I did have a good time, even though I was a little bored.

I've been feeling very out of place lately. Seattle is sounding better and better to me, I really think I'm gonna move back there for Graduate school. Well I mean unless I get into Julliard or NYU. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaa

I just can't imagine staying here. Its dirty and people aren't friendly and its so huge its just too overwhelming. I don't have a neighborhood, I don't have a community. Once I'm out of Fordham and semblance of that is lost, and I would just hate that. I already feel far away enough from everything and everyone, I don't need that extra push.

December is here, finals are knocking hard and fast at the door. I have to build my draping project. Finish my last TWO theatre history papers. Write my paper for Civil War History. Take my civil war final. Audition for Pericles and Man = Man. Go Christmas shopping. And still sleep on top of it all, and do laundry, and cook meals. Life is way too complicated.
Probably doesn't help that I watched two Harry Potter movies on TV today, instead of doing anything remotely useful. I just can't help it. That Daniel Ratcliffe is gonna be a superstud. I've always been attracted to great potential.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Wouldn't it be...?


it was a lovely week. we strolled the city, managing our way through the crowds, did a LOT of shopping for gifts, and ate out. it was so nice to be near him again, to laugh together, goof around...i wish this relationship wasn't a ticking time bomb.
we talked about it a lot, i cried, he didn't. it didn't seem to upset him very much, which I know shouldn't bother me. he's just very pragmatic, as I should be - as we're both learning to be. all my girlfriends tell me that they are happy to see me with him, even if its not going to be work out because its the first time they've seen me with someone who doesn't hurt me. but this will hurt too, one day, when I finally make a decision or he finally leaves me.
but for now...its just what it is. i won't see him soon at all, months and months away, and we won't talk enough. we'll grow apart again, and both be full of doubt and sadness. but when i'm with him, laying in his arms at night, breathing him in my nostrils, its an irresistable high that I'm completely addicted to.

but really, it was lovely.