Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Au Retour

bizarre new developments but i think i like them.
at the very least i can see that he's grown and that he understands the way he made me feel, which is vindicating. i'm not as crazy as i thought i was :)
we went to a really interesting concert that a client of his was in and i was reading the bio's that these woman and men had put in the program. OH MY GOD. this one woman is a registered nurse at Children's Hospital, and she has two kids of her own, and she sings in a renaissance choir, and she gives back to the community, and she has hobbies and a life and everything you could imagine. i kept thinking, jesus, what am i doing with my own time.

the new job is...well, i don't know. it is at the very least NOT monotonous and boring. so i suppose that makes it worthwhile for what it pays. i was seriously stressed out yesterday though, when the phones got really hectic and i answered about 4 calls that required me to make two simoltaneous bookings, i thought i was going to lose my mind. and then afterwards i had a mad headache, but i think that was because i forgot to eat lunch. hah.

last night we were invited to this special event hosted by grayline and the space needle, and we went to this studio in ballard where they blow glass art. we got to go down in the studio and help spin the glass, and mould it and everything, it was really fun. sometime when i have the time and the money (so, never) i would like to take a class on glass-blowing. and photography. and get a nice camera. that would be fun.

then we went to the space needle for a fancy reception with wine and amazing food and i just laughed my ass off knowing that i used to work there and have to stand around all day being nice to a million anonomous jerks. so this time, i was the anonomous jerk, and i had three glasses of wine and i enjoyed myself. so there.

then on the way home my mom brought up the problem of plane tickets to france, which we both have recently discovered are ungodly expensive to the point that i probably won't be able to go. words cannot express how dissapointing this is to me, i want to go so badly, and i deserve to go! fuckers. i hate money, it ruins everything EVERYTHING when you don't have any. if i want to go to moscow in january, which i feel is important for my career, then i shouldn't go to france. unless miraculously $1500 dollars falls into my lap, which (let me save you all the suspense) IT WON'T sooooo i'm fucked, basically.

I started one of the books that Tim recommended to me, based on the Course In Miracles. it's a little too "surrender to God" for my taste, i don't know, it puts me off a little bit. but she did have one idea that i loved because its SO TRUE.
there was this part where she was talking about how she had the habit of getting into the same destructive patterns in her life, and then through much self-reflection and thought and therapy she was able to distinguish them, categorize them, look at them objectively for what they were, these patterns of behavior and association that brought her down to her knees. And she imagined people around her thinking, "well she is so self-aware, now she will be able to rid herself of those patterns."
But being able to recognize and articulate these patterns didn't make them so away, it just made them more sophisticated. There is a deep and wide gap between recognition and a complete physical and mental 180.

i suppose i should try to break my patterns, of course, BUT easier said that done.

No comments: