Friday, March 30, 2007

Reality check

Talk about reminding me about what's important!

My best friend Mara is in the hospital, she had a life-threatening blood clot and just underwent angioplasty. The doctors say she should be alright. I'm waiting for a call from her mom.

I'm not religious but its times like this that make me kneel down and pray.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Back to Black

I'm so angry, so angry angry.

I keep seeing slow-motion montages in my head of my blurred self tearing things apart in a rage, GOD I want to do it so bad. Just rip and tear at everything around me, my arms furiously reaching, everything coming crashing down upon my head. Scrape my fingernails down the white-washed walls and rip bleeding holes in the stark emptiness surrounding me.

"We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
I go back to..."


My brow has stuck all furrowed. My eyes scream out with injustice. A fire licks in my stomach every time anyone speaks, dares to open their mouth and let the lies pour out. I've shut myself up in my room and listened to the same song over and over.

I take pictures of my twisted angry self and I look at them as frustrated tears sneak out the corners of my eyes, laughing at me. You're not the only one with a dark side.

Is this what you wanted? To see this side of me? To push this little angry child out of my grown-up self to beat her fists upon the bars of her cage? Well I am stronger now then I was when we first met and now I won't hesitate, I will grasp them and shake them, echoing down the corridor, shake them hard and rattling loud, like a train off the tracks until I can't shake them anymore, until I finally collapse in exhaustion.

I hate you. Not in the real way, but I hate you for making me feel this way. I don't blame you, but I hate you all the same.

And then, then I do the worst. I nail the lid down on my own damn coffin. I stir in the poison myself, into the gasoline I'm sipping.
I look at the pictures of her over and over, I study her every feature, looking for what it is that holds you. What is it that doesn't manifest in me, that never will, never will be able to hold a man like you? I can't get inside there, not inside your hard walnut shell. But she's wormed her way in, she got inside of you and found me hiding there. And she's rotting me out, waiting until the toxicity gets too high and I evaporate and float slowly away from you.

She'll keep you forever.

Forever while I'm pushed out, drifting into nothing.

Its her and its you and its also another and another and everyone else too.
Its all of you who orchestrate the misery that chases me down until the moon rises in my window.

But you, you are the werewolf who devours me every night. You are the worst, oh so sweet and so vicious.

"we only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
you go back to her
and I go back to..."


Oh Love's Gonna Get You Down...

I'm listening to a lot of sugary indie brit pop, and let me tell you - it is doin' the trick.

I've been a really rotten mood for the last couple of days. Everything makes me so angry, I feel invalidated and ignored and just icky and terrible. Plus I'm surrounded by people in beautiful relationships, which is great for them but toxic for me. All the old fears of being unable to secure something like that...well anyway they come bubbling up and all of a sudden I've worked myself up and I'm furious and sad.

Jesus. After a while I get even more furious at myself for letting things like that upset me.

Also, my thesis is due on the 2nd...

I'm auditioning for Ian's company's show, Dark of the Moon. I want it and yet it complicates things. I've got to find somewhere really cheap to stay, and I've got to scrounge around for a job when I get back to sea-town in July. It just sounds awful.
But then again so does going home and living with my parents.
Plus after the read-through last night, I'm developing attachments to the play...
God this is hard. Why did I chose this? I'm gonna have to worry about these same things and work my ass off for the rest of my LIFE. Sounds AWFUL.
Why can't I just be an accountant and have normal ambitions that involve a social life?

August can not come fast enough.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

shut out

above all else, I am so afraid I am nothing to him.

Thursday, March 22, 2007


I'll put these in the folder marked, 'I know I shouldn't, but I will!"

I also love how in the last one, I'm clearly trying to communicate something. Men are so obsessed with themselves. If he wasn't so gorgeous and adorable I would be annoyed. Sigh. Isn't he cute?

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

So much stresssss

I NEVER get a break, I swear to you.

I hate tuesdays.

Plus I'm still in a fog from the trip (jet lag?) I went to sleep at like 9 last night because I wasnt feeling well and now I'm up because I have so much work to do.
fuuuuck. I'm fucked. fuck fuck fuck.

Ok, I have to:

research Jen Genet
Go over my monologue
try and do SOMETHING for portfolio review

and tomorrow is gonna suck even worse, because I have to go to the museum AND write that 7 page paper.

And did I mention I have a thesis due in four weeks?


Monday, March 19, 2007


I want to talk about my trip but I've been stripped of the capacity.

Many things in my life are becoming unbearable, I don't know what I am going to do. I know I need to change them, but the prospect is so horrifying that I resist again and again.

Maybe part of me fears that if I don't have her I will have no one.

And the rest of me thinks she is right, and I am cruel and selfish.

What happens to the human soul when you are so acutely entrenched in your own entrapment that freedom no longer seems enticing enough. What it will rip from you is too dear, and you fear you would not survive the exposure.

Here it is again: the consoling lie. What is truth and what is not, is there anyone who can tell me?

Friday, March 09, 2007


I'm leaving in a few minutes.

I have a meeting with Julie first, my acting professor to talk about my work in class. I have NO clue what she'll say. Probably the same old thing about how I need to work on my connection to the text and embody it blah blah. She's great though, so nice and knowledgable.

Then I leave directe for the airport! I'm just gonna take the train I think, it's cheaper. Whatevs, I'm poor!

la la la France la!

au revoir mes amis! Ta Linotte reviens!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Woooooo!! *lifts shirt*

SPRING BREAK 2007! Yeahhh!

I am so excited, I'm about to pee my pants every time I think about it. I got an email from Clément today! He's freaking out, I'm freaking out, I'm going to stop by my acting atelier and suprise everyone. Its gonna be hilarious.

The weather may be shitty, but that's alright. I don't even care.

France, friends, food, and sex. What could be better?

nothing i tell you!!

I should have gone to the museum exhibit for my history course this afternoon but I forgot about the faculty meeting. Which was great actually, we've got a lot of interesting prospects on the horizon. Naomi Wallace and a workshop for the Public, Matthew's crazy musical called Laughing Pictures, and still of course Cloud 9 possibilities. Plus another Naomi Wallace play. Or Kate Crackernuts by Sheila Cunningham. Awesome.

Anyhow, because I didn't go to the museum today I have to go tomorrow. But I also need to get my haircut. And work out. And did I mentioned I have an exam at 4pm? I'm gonna have to go to Theatre History, book it to the museum, get a haircut, and high-tail it to the exam, hoping I studied enough the night before. I hope this isn't the world's worst plan.
I got an 89 on the last exam, I almost blew an ovary. Talk about petty deductions. One point? Really? I feel like history teachers expect a lot out of me because contribute a lot in class discussions and so they hold me to a different standard on exams. No fair man, I'm ADD, I have serious limitations! I just hate to dissapoint this professor, I really like him a lot.
Man, I have got to make it to that museum tomorrow. Fuuuuuck. Well if I get out of class at 11:30 I should be good and done by 3pm, I mean that is way more than plenty of time. Ok. I think I'll have some time to study, this is good.

After that I can just pack for my trip! Eeeeee so excited!

Sunday, March 04, 2007


Best Movie Everrrrr




Friday, March 02, 2007

Fly In Ointment

I have yet to translate the way I feel about human beings as an actor, into how I feel about human being as...well a human. I still feel like I'm holding out for that ideal, when part of me thinks that its unreasonable to even expect that to exist. Should I go ahead and jump on the 'good enough for now' wagon and ruin such a great friendship? Yes no maybe so...

Rien from Hervé. What that may or may not mean is a complete mystery. I don't understand this man, which he should hardly find suprising since he doesn't communicate with me. Which I suppose I shouldn't find suprising either, frank communication is not a very french concept. Its very american of me to want to pin everything down and define in, but CAN YOU BLAME ME? Heartbreak can make a person very pragmatic.

I would like to see him. Very much so. But its his decision. He knows whatever he decides I will submit to. No WONDER he likes me, jesus, what man could turn that down?

I made my reservation for my trip to Normandy! I'm staying in Bayeux for two nights and taking a tour of the D-Day beaches. It will be a lovely history-filled dork-fest and I for one, am quite enthused. Plus I'm looking forward to the time alone and the countryside: a good prescription for a severe confusion. Very Emersonian, Anaïs would be proud.

I'm almost finished with the third volume of her early diaries, so I'll take the fourth one with me. And maybe one of her Erotica novels (DUH! Its france!)

So this weekend, I have to write two papers and print up about 60 pictures in 4 different sizes. And also study for my history midterm. And also figure out what to do with the first page of my portfolio (god only knows). And pick a scene for the second half of my acting class, which is going to be taught by a man named Tim Douglass. Hope he's good.

oh! I got a phone interview for the Faculty Associate position at Cherubs! Its tomorrow afternoon, I'm a little nervous. I figure as long as I stay calm and avoid saying "um" and "uh" too much, it should go alright. I might I'm not Ghandi, I don't have to be that profound.