Heyyyyy!!

its boyfriend day! its boyfriend day! its boyfriend day!!

boyfriend day boyfriend day boyfriend day!!

A Kiss for Kindness

This week has been full of its ups and downs (read: mood swings) but I can say that I have witnessed some extraordinary kindness, and it gives me heart to know that there are still people out there in this big bad world that recognise the difference between what is right and what is easy (ok so I stole that from Harry Potter, but that was a movie! This is reality!) and look out for people, even strangers. It almost makes me an optimist to see people trying to protect each other from pain. It kind of fills me with joy, like that creepy sun-baby from the telletubbies. Maybe I really would shine like that if not for the other type of people who are inflicting said pain. I guess that's life though, you get the good with the bad.

Had delicious pizza today, even though I'm supposed to be on a strict diet for the last 4 days, since Hervé comes on tuesday. Oh well, I only had two little pieces, that's not that bad.

Oh yeah, did I mention HERVÉ COMES ON TUESDAY. That is like ALMOST tomorrow. In six hours, that will be tomorrow. That's nuts! To combat my anxiety today I did what any red-blooded female would a gorgeous frenchman is flying across the atlantic to see her: I scrubbed down the bathroom. And took out all the trash and did a sinkload of dishes. Because that's how we foster obsessive compulsive behavior. I mean...oh fuck. I'm gonna end up like my mom, rearranging shoulder-high piles of tuperware on the kitchen floor at 4 in the morning. True story.

I'm reeeeeeaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllyyyyyyy excited. I'm already having trouble sleeping, its impossible! I keep imagining his beautiful face with his beautiful smile on it. And the sex. Have I mentioned the sex? Yeah, there's gonna be a lot of it. I have officially redubbed this weekend 'Sexgiving'. Who needs turkey?

I am going to make pies however, pumpkin and pecan with my mom's perfect recipe. Only I'm not buying a pumpkin, cooking it, and purée-ing it myself. That's insane, I'm not Martha fucking Stewart. I want to go out to Astoria and have dinner with Ian, we'll see what Hervé feels like doing. I don't want to push him into anything, I know he'll probably be really overwhelmed. And adorable. He's so cute. And french.

But before he comes I have to write a theatre history paper, do all my laundry and haul down to Trader Joe's to get some thanksgiving ingredients. And wine. Mmmmm being 21 is delicious.

Busybody went really well, my costume is wildly uncomfortable. But beautiful. And busty. Bam!



yeah I don't know. Emeril? I'm crazy.

The Judas Kiss

Thank God its no longer last week. And yet...couldn't time just not advance any furthur...?

I finally made a few chips in my very thick shell of writer's block. Very lame chips, but hey, its progress, right?

I also talked to Clément, my very best french friend in Paris. He's in the theatre troup that I was a part of and they are mounting a new show, "Nous, les Héros" or "We, the Heroes". He sent me a recording of the opening sequence, just hearing all their voices, ohh it made me so homesick for Paris. Especially since I've been feeling so detached and empty lately. I feel very far away, so its been so easy to reminisce (sp?) about gay old Paris. But of course the truth is I felt disengaged there as well, but there I had the excuse of being a foreigner and therefore a convenient excuse. Handy, right?
At least I felt alive. At least I cried and felt and loved and partied like a PERSON. I feel like I just dig my grave deeper every day now, I feel so muddled and frozen. Every thing I do I have to bargain with myself. Maybe I'm just crazy, but I feel so compromised. I don't know. That doesn't even make sense. The point is, talking to Clément was so nice. France picked up a few points today (it has been losing lots of points every day due to no word from Hervé - not his fault, I just blame the whole country).

Five hours of Tech rehearsal tonight and you know what I did? NOTHING. Didn't go onstage once, didn't even play the flute. It was BO-RING. I took a nap and finished The Judas Kiss by David Hare. Which was so not the most constructive thing for me to be reading. Great writing though. Lots of delicious Oscar Wilde witicisms, which are invented but very convincingly Wilde.
Also,
"In prison I had the chance to read the Christ story. Over and over. It seemed to me the greatest story I ever read. But it has one flaw. Christ is betrayed by Judas, who is almost a stranger. Judas is a man he doesn't know well. It would be artistically truer if he were betrayed by John. Because John is the man he loves most."
also,
"Ideally, I like to drink anise. My favorite anise is the second. I drink it not because it makes me sleep - nothing makes me sleep - but because at the moment I drink it I believe that I shall sleep. An illustration of the perfect usefulness of science. The potion necessary to make me sleep does not exist. But the potion that provides the illusion that I shall, does.
Belief is everything.
Faith is everything.
It is the same with love.
The vulgar error is to think that love is a kind of illusion. It is the fault of bad poets who encourage this mistake. 'I am completely enraptured,' lovers say, as if somehow they were being deceived. When the affair ends, they say, 'I have been stripped of my illusions' When they cease to love they say, "oh I see clearly now'.
The reverse is the truth. The everyday world is shrouded. We see it dimly. Only when we love do we see the true person. The truth of a person is only visible through love. Love is not the illusion. Life is."

Now there's a topic for debate.

Willow, willow, sing willow

I had a nice long talk with meg tonight, I miss our talks. We're both so busy all the time, but when we do make time, its nice. I don't think I have another friend (in ny) who I really feel listens to me quite like she does. She's great, I liker her a lot.

Today has been hard. This morning was full of dissapointments, little trivial things which for some reason were really upsetting me. I felt nearly volatile this morning, combustible. Maybe I didn't sleep long enough or something.

Still no message from Hervé, still don't know if he is coming or not, but all this time waiting makes me think that he isn't and I've been fooled again.
I wish someone would tell you if its the last time you're going to see them. I would have taken so much more time, or done something huge, or cried more. I don't know. How can I make it right? Its all wrong.

Thank GOD for Busybody, its kept me busy enough to stay sane. I feel a bit like my character in Funeral Parlor - just needing to get through the day without dipping into her emotional reality, because its a dark scary place full of sadness and loneliness and if you even test the waters with your toe, you will fall in and never be able to crawl back out.

Tonight I thought about Akilles, for the first time in a very long time. I should write him an email, I wonder how he is doing. He started a new job, he's out of school now. I'm just curious, no big gesture.

Talked to my mom on the phone today for two hours - her idea of a "short" conversation. GOD how depressing. I just feel helpless and guilt-ridden and awful and horrible and useless and selfish and mean. And things at home are a disaster, and I hate spending time there and I feel horrible about it.

I need to know if Hervé is coming, but I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid. I want to call you but I'm afraid. Maybe I'll have an email tomorrow.

one way ticket to france: $346 dollars.

Tomorrow is such a long time...

I'm now living in a weird cloud. Endgame is over, Busybody tech is about to start. I spend a lot of time in rehearsal deep in my own thoughts, which as we all know, is absolutely 100% toxic.

I've also been writing silly metaphorical rhyming poetry, restoration-style. Its absurd.

Talked to mom on the phone today. Poison. Now she wants me to come to Oregon to see plays on Easter weekend, and if that means I can't go to France then that's what it means. Ummmm WHAT?! So you are giving me tickets to France as a gift but then deciding instead that I'm going to Ashland and not to France? I mean I hate to look a gift-horse in the mouth but bitch, you are one crazy fucking horse! She's also spending Thanksgiving alone, for which I could just scourge myself to death. I swear, my relationship with my mother is the world's deadliest mine-field.

Hervé is still coming for thanksgiving...I think. At least he was as of last week when I last heard from him, I hope that still means yes. I want to see him so badly and yet I'm dreading it with my entire being. I just have the strongest feeling that its going to end with me being very very sad, and I'm not usually wrong about these things.
I've found myself thinking and saying depressing things, like its only safe to be alone, and when you risk everything you lose everything. I'm feeling very afraid, afraid of everything, I feel like my next big disaster is right around the corner and I'm petrified. I don't know if there is someone here who can catch me this time. I mean I'm not gonna go jumping off a cliff but I'm not going to bounce back very well from this, I can see it already. And I hate struggling.

My Dad has a new job. So that's good. However, it doesn't seem to have calmed his explosive outbursts towards Mom, so what the fuck good does that do me? God, they are a mess. You think when people have been married 35 years they must really love each other; but then I look at my parents and I just think, "I'm never getting married. Ever."

I just can't deal with all these apprehensions, I feel unprepared and I don't know what I can do to make it better. The only way I am surviving is by ignoring it most of the day. And that can't last forever.

In other news, I might not be able to finish one of my three majors. Not sure, I have to talk to my advisors. I'm supposed to register tomorrow but uhhh I don't have my pin...oops...


"well, you're on earth...there's no cure for that!"

I forgot about you!

So...sorry I haven't posted in a loooooong time. For me. Which is not long for regular people.

Busybody rehearsals are way more than underway, we go into Tech alarmingly soon. We're almost done blocking the show. I'm in it for about 5 minutes, but its a fun five minutes, so I'm perfectly pleased. My costume is so pretty! Its hot pink with cleavage up to my eyebrows. Awesome. I love the designer, I was talking to her while we were in the shop today. She is so pretty and nice! She's assisting at Lincoln Center right now, she went to Yale. She's sooooo good, man, its exciting. I mean I could never do it, but to have her as a designer is exciting.

Endgame is taking up all of my time, I've been busting my ass on the costumes. I don't know how I feel about them, i think I like them, but I don't know if other people will. I mean it does fit with the concept. I've still got work to do tomorrow though, Doh!

Hervé and I had a big heart-to-heart. He's great because he's so realistic and down-to-earth, and he's open with me. But that means he tells me things I don't want to hear, you know, like the truth. Who wants that? Oh wait, me. Or at least I think I do. In principle, not in practice. No I mean I do. I just...I mean fuck the truth, really.
I just really really like him, but things are looking really really impossible. He's coming to visit for Thanksgiving, I'm so anxious to see him and yet so scared. I keep telling myself that if I lose 20 pounds and look really really great when he comes everything will be peachy...so untrue. Why do the good ones never stick around? Or live in the same country? He's so great. Its not fair.
I was so upset about it last week, he wrote me a very long, very honest email last wednesday and I was just...not in a good place. I spent hours writing a response and then I got REALLY stoned. I read my response later and it was like someone else had written it. I feel so lost right now. I just know that when I close my eyes at night I see him, that's got to mean something. I daydream about him all the time, his name pops into my head at random times. I think of little stories about him in every conversation. I don't know if that's love, I get that way so fast. The speeding train. Last week it hit the tracks and derailed and I've spent every last ounce of energy I've had, which hasn't been much due to all the work I've had, trying to drag it back on course. But the track has changed, I can't tell how, maybe the destination...something palpable has skidded off and I have the most rotten feeling that I'm going to end up broken and beaten down and at the bottom of the emotional gutter once again. I could break it off now, but every time I even dare to let that thought enter my mind, I just want to vomit. I feel very mixed up. I imagine his face and try to think what my reaction is going to be. Hopefully I won't just burst into tears. I'm scared that this is going to be the last time he wants to see me.
Whats wrong with me? God.

Alright, well its 1:30 already and class starts bright and early at 9am. I'm doing a scene from Funeral Parlor by Christopher Durang. Its funny, my partner is great. Hopefully I'll be fucking done with Endgame costumes tomorrow. I still have to show up every night for make-up. Sigh.

Also registration coming up. Important decisions about the future! Ooo!!