Wednesday, February 28, 2007


I'm so confused. I'm so confused what's right for me.
Or maybe I know but I just don't want to face it. Some part of me is holding out.
Its that fucking hope thing again.
Kelsey said I reminded her of a little girl holding her eyes shut.
Such a good image for what is happening in all facets of my life right now.

I can't believe its only wednesday. Thank GOD I have wednesdays off. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't. I'm always so exhausted by monday and tuesday that if I didn't have the next day off, I swear I would drop dead in the street. Especially after tuesdays, tuesdays are rough. Michelle hated everything I brought in today, it was awful. I'm not sure I actually like design, I just liked it when it was something I was good at. Because I'm that shallow. Fabulous.

So many relationships confuse me, I don't really know why I end up drawn to the people that I find myself around. Some of them, actually several, are people that others can't even stand. Maybe its being so devoted to my mom who is so abrasive that I've learned to look past that in people, but I wonder if that's actually made me not realize when I'm shouldering more than my load. I hate having to defend people I care about, especially to myself. Why should I surround myself with people I'm not sure are good for me? Its a very helpless feeling not being able to control or trust your own feelings. If I feel myself gravitate towards someone, I may need to resist that very impulse. My self-destructive behavior is instinctual. I feel like I'm programmed to explode.

Also a question: when you love someone, shouldn't there be a sort of pride in that love? Shouldn't you want to shout it from the rooftops, shouldn't you want the world to know? Shouldn't you at least be able to face it yourself?

I feel very small right now, I feel as if I might be swallowed up and dissappear.

I think I take too much of what life hands me. Maybe I should start grabbing for things. I'm not sure I know entirely how to do that. Or what is worthwhile for that matter. I wish I had good role models in my life! People to show me what things are positive and what are not.

theatre certainly isn't any helped, god knows how fucked up we all are. we spend most of our free-time self medicating. Which may I say has its perks.

Monday, February 26, 2007

I hate thinking that he's thinking about her.
I hate imagining the scenarious in my head that I know he's imagining that aren't with me. I hate reading his words and reading about someone else. I hate that he's anguished and its not by me. I hate that he yearns and its not for me. I hate that she has caught him in a way I never will and I hate how that makes me feel. Why is that woman never me?

Somewhere I always go wrong and someone always sneaks into the very place that my whole body craves, every inch of my skin pulsing to get inside of him but somehow the route is always blocked.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

une philosophe (I'm stoned)

Hope is the fountain of youth.

from it all life springs, and its stream grows weaker and weaker with every passing year until it finally runs out as the last breath slips through our lips.

That's why children believe the impossible.

Its why adults are afraid of everything.

Hope Hope Hope its such a different word than espoir.
Hope is hopeful, simple, pops with breath, forces your mouth into a little kiss.


I'm sorry I just can't stop saying it. Hope hope hope.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Le Pêcheur

Il y a un homme au sud
Un pêcheur
Qu’il a peur d’accrocher
Une bonne prise

Il joue avec des allumettes,
Les jetant par terre,
Et il regarde, étonné,
Les flâmes qui surgissent tout à coup
de la crasse, de la boue

il dit qu’il va mourir seul,
un vieux grognon,
il observe son destin
avec une révérence résigné,
comme s’il n’était pas son choix

je le regarde, son visage vers l’horizon
et je trace les lignes qui tombent de ses yeux

je suis à bout d’arguments
si je peux prendre ce visage, ce doux visage,
dans mes mains
je pourrais dire
comment je l’aime

Mais je ne peux pas

il est trop concentré
de se distancer,
de quoi ou qui,
j’en sais rien.
Et moi
Je suis paralysée,
je n’arrive pas à avancer

je regarde mon pêcheur
mon homme du sud
j’adopte sa révérence résignée
et nous deux
nous regardons les feux
dans la distance

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Oh My God I Forgot How Great Weekends Are

Have I never lived a weekend before? This seems completely novel and new.

I have been so DAMNED relaxed and yet PRODUCTIVE this weekend! Ok, well yesterday I did nothing, but then in the evening I roasted a chicken! A whole chicken! And then Tim and I watched À Bout De Souffle which I think was the best movie I've seen in a long time. I was really stoned to be honest, but I still think it was really good.

And today I finished the final incarnations of my resumes, finished my Cherubs application, emailed my professors for recommendations, and did my business card. Oh and wrote a cover letter, which i think is really good.

And I had pancakes and scrambled eggs for breakfast and watched a show on the Discovery Channel about Killer Bees. And now Morgan and I might go out to Queens to see Ian and Vince.

I swear there has never been a weekend before in my life.


Also I made a realization (the little philosopher):

We are all cowards. Of loneliness, of death, of growing old, of love. We are all cowards. To each his phobia.

Nous sommes tous des lâches, tous lâches. De la solitude, de la mort, d'agir, de l'amour. Nous sommes tous des lâches. Tous phobiques.

Tu vois ta petite Linotte? Elle est très forte, elle pense beaucoup. Tu devrais être fier d'elle, hein?

ciao bises!

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Forgive me!

Sorry I haven't posted in a long time!

So. Arrows is going very very well, I think. Morgan and I sort of tweaked something in the character which made it make so much more SENSE. And also be slightly less Stepford Wife. I guess that's where my inane idealism comes sneaking out - I have this dire urge to play people as I wish they were, instead of how they are. Which ironically, makes them much less real, and therefore less sympathetic.

Its been a good experience. Having Morgan as a director is really great actually, our friendship doesn't seem to get in the way of it, it just makes it more enjoyable. I guess it allows it to be very personal. Plus she knows all my bad habits and the way I work, so she is really good at encouraging me when I need it and then stepping it up at the right time in the right way. Its pretty great actually.

So yeah. I just wish I didn't have a HUGE exam on monday as well as the show opening. And a huge chunk of my portfolio due on tuesday. Gah! School! Kill me.

I'm working on my resumes and my applications for this summer, mainly for Cherubs. If I don't get it...I guess I'll go home and work and be miserable. Guh. You know what, I better figure out a back-up plan. Something with at least a small stipend. GOD I wish I had some money saved up. Money is so hard right now especially, god. My parents payed for my birth control today though, so you win and you lose.

I'M SO STINKIN EXCITED FOR PARIS!!!! I got an email back from Akilles who was really sweet and offered me a place to stay for a week. Which I TOTALLY did not expect him to do. Still haven't heard from my host family though :( I'm hoping I will soon. I should probably write one of my host brothers too, just in case Martine doesn't get the message somehow.
So now maybe I'll have sex while I'm there? Not sure if that's what staying with Akilles means...hmmmmm....very mysterious. I certainly wouldn't be opposed to it. I am single now I guess.

I'm gonna do so much fun stuff! Go to the museums I missed, go to all my favorite places, see a few friends, maybe go to the Opera or Ballet, and walk around EVERYWHERE. And sit in cafés and read all afternoon. And shopping!!! Although I can't buy anything...sigh. But still! Hopefully Martine and I will go out to Versailles too! And then I'll go up to Normandy to see the D-Day sights. Its gonna be so great, I'm really stoked. I'm already having dreams about it. La la la!

Alright, I'm gonna go read Anaïs. I should be studying for my History exam buuuuuut I don't wanna. Fuck. Maybe I should. Fuck man! I hate school.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

I'm feeling very Romantic...

Reading Anaïs has made me long for the ideal. Perhaps it is foolish and naive to do so, but I do enjoy thinking that somewhere that man exists out there.
He's probably making passionate love to his boyfriend right now.


Let me not to the marriage of true minds
admit impediments; love is not love
that alters when it alteration finds,
or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
whose worth's unknown, although his height is taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Too much to ask?