So I fucked up again. I forgot to pay my credit bill for my bed, two days late AGAIN. Which is awful because I have practically no credit at all and now my rating is probably in the toilet. FUCK ME.
AND I forgot to clock out again. For the second day in a row.
I hate being an adult. I feel anxious and I want to cry every day. Why can't I just be a kid again.
I'm going to crawl into bed and pretend that adulthood never happened.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
No Surprises Here
Let me just say that my poor boyfriend is in bed asleep right now and he thinks I am there next to him. You'd think after rolling over the entire bed basically even his sleepy brain would realize the bed was empty. He's a heavy sleeper, whatcha gonna do.
So just for the record, I did TRY to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I did! I tried really hard. I laid in bed awake for at least 45 minutes before I snuck over to my computer. That's a very long time to lay in the silent darkness for a rampant neurotic like me. And on addition, it is not my fault my mind couldn't rest, it is not my fault that my ex-boyfriends keep popping back into my life on internet networking sites in pictures with their new girlfriends looking happy and wind-tousled on the beach. That is no way to start a night of going to sleep early! That is the way to continue the staying up late brooding I've been doing for the last few weeks.
So yes I'm up at 2:30 in the morning. But still, I plan to be in bed by 3. And maybe asleep by 4. Which really, is pretty much like every other night. But at least it's not later than usual. Eh? Eh? I may not be improving, but I'm also not worsening (word?). Now tell me that attitude doesn't spell success!
I did manage to clean my bathroom today, which I was really proud of because it was the first productive thing I've done for a really long time. Tomorrow before work, I will do one of the following:
1) Laundry
2) Gym
3) Clean the Kitchen
Since I can only do one of the above in my underwear without showering or brushing my teeth, I think we can all guess which shall be accomplished. But BUT my boyfriend will be here tomorrow which means MAYBE I will get out of bed when he does, and MAYBE I will apply that extra time to something useful and *gasp* outside the walls of my apartment!
Am I becoming agoraphobic? Thank goodness I have a job that requires me leaving home and interacting with people. What a disaster I would be otherwise. Imagine if I was, say, a writer (although, obviously little danger of that). That would be scary. I'd end up being dragged out of my apartment by men in white coats, probably on a stretcher since I'd weight 600 lbs, spending the rest of my adult years in a padded cell eating food portions the size of golf balls after I had my stomach stapled shut, while my family and friends cried their eyes out on Oprah over my sad sad fate.
Do you think I'd get a free make-over?
No no that would be tragic, definitely not worth whatever free cosmetic procedures and/or automobiles Oprah might send my way as a gesture of her support.
Ok I'm bored now and if my boyfriend wakes up and catches me on the computer he's gonna be soooo mad. Maybe I'd better hop back into bed and start counting sheep.
baaaa.
So just for the record, I did TRY to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I did! I tried really hard. I laid in bed awake for at least 45 minutes before I snuck over to my computer. That's a very long time to lay in the silent darkness for a rampant neurotic like me. And on addition, it is not my fault my mind couldn't rest, it is not my fault that my ex-boyfriends keep popping back into my life on internet networking sites in pictures with their new girlfriends looking happy and wind-tousled on the beach. That is no way to start a night of going to sleep early! That is the way to continue the staying up late brooding I've been doing for the last few weeks.
So yes I'm up at 2:30 in the morning. But still, I plan to be in bed by 3. And maybe asleep by 4. Which really, is pretty much like every other night. But at least it's not later than usual. Eh? Eh? I may not be improving, but I'm also not worsening (word?). Now tell me that attitude doesn't spell success!
I did manage to clean my bathroom today, which I was really proud of because it was the first productive thing I've done for a really long time. Tomorrow before work, I will do one of the following:
1) Laundry
2) Gym
3) Clean the Kitchen
Since I can only do one of the above in my underwear without showering or brushing my teeth, I think we can all guess which shall be accomplished. But BUT my boyfriend will be here tomorrow which means MAYBE I will get out of bed when he does, and MAYBE I will apply that extra time to something useful and *gasp* outside the walls of my apartment!
Am I becoming agoraphobic? Thank goodness I have a job that requires me leaving home and interacting with people. What a disaster I would be otherwise. Imagine if I was, say, a writer (although, obviously little danger of that). That would be scary. I'd end up being dragged out of my apartment by men in white coats, probably on a stretcher since I'd weight 600 lbs, spending the rest of my adult years in a padded cell eating food portions the size of golf balls after I had my stomach stapled shut, while my family and friends cried their eyes out on Oprah over my sad sad fate.
Do you think I'd get a free make-over?
No no that would be tragic, definitely not worth whatever free cosmetic procedures and/or automobiles Oprah might send my way as a gesture of her support.
Ok I'm bored now and if my boyfriend wakes up and catches me on the computer he's gonna be soooo mad. Maybe I'd better hop back into bed and start counting sheep.
baaaa.
Friday, October 03, 2008
This Election is Like a Stomach Parasite
ENOUGH ALREADY!
Holy gallop poll batman! CALM THE FUCK DOWN PEOPLE.
I'm voting for Obama based on the issues and nothing else, its a complete no-brainer since these two candidates politically have nothing in common except for the fact that they're running for the same office, so stop bombarding me with pointless sensationalist bullshit on EVERY NEWS OUTLET every two seconds. I DON'T CARE! Now I just hate everyone, they all seem slick and disengenuous to me (well ok, no one more than Sarah Palin, but still). I literally have a visceral reaction every time I see any of their faces - and not in the good way.
Is it motherfucking November yet? All the hype isn't making me want to vote, it's making me want to move to Iceland.
No really, I hear it's nice there. Plus Bjork is from Iceland and she's crazy awesome. I wish SHE was running for president.
Holy gallop poll batman! CALM THE FUCK DOWN PEOPLE.
I'm voting for Obama based on the issues and nothing else, its a complete no-brainer since these two candidates politically have nothing in common except for the fact that they're running for the same office, so stop bombarding me with pointless sensationalist bullshit on EVERY NEWS OUTLET every two seconds. I DON'T CARE! Now I just hate everyone, they all seem slick and disengenuous to me (well ok, no one more than Sarah Palin, but still). I literally have a visceral reaction every time I see any of their faces - and not in the good way.
Is it motherfucking November yet? All the hype isn't making me want to vote, it's making me want to move to Iceland.
No really, I hear it's nice there. Plus Bjork is from Iceland and she's crazy awesome. I wish SHE was running for president.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Random Thoughts Before September Runs Out
DOH! Too late!
Ok thought #1:
My chronic insomnia is a product of my recent increase in anxiety, which arises from my general depression lately. Which is derived from letting myself go in the career and organizational departments, which being my total most vulnerable zones about which I am most insecure, make me feel like a complete and total waste of space. Even though I still get out of bed and work a full time job 5 days a week.
Thought #2:
This is more of a question really.
Why is my Time Warner bill so expensive? We don't even have any premium channels AND our internet sucks. Why is it still costing us $115 a month collectively? This seems wrong.
Thought #3:
I hate going to work but it gives me piece of mind that although the economy is imploding on itself, I somehow still make $15 an hour, 35 hours a week. Granted, I could be making a lot more than that if I sold my soul to the devil. Instead, I sell my soul to cranky old folks of the upper west side. Which is just fine with me because I happen to like some of those cranky old folks.
Thought #4:
Is this fucking election over yet? Cheese and rice people, I can't take this shit anymore!
Thought #5:
Grey's Anatomy is not impressing me yet this season. Except for that sexy army doctor, with his crazy vagabond ways and his "So?". I could do without the pen in the throat though. That was a little much. Also, how did he get that in there?
Thought #6:
My mother is coming for christmas for like 18 days or something. This is a lot BUT not a complete 3 weeks like she wanted. I consider this a compromise. I also think her compromising at all upon this point, is a big victory. Therefore, I win. Although also I lose, obviously. 18 days. AND its the holidays. There's nothing that quite reminds you of how fucked up your family has become, like being around said family during the holidays. If there was a textbook about my family, the holiday chapter would be subtitled, "We don't speak to each other and here's why:"
Thought #7:
I still have a boyfriend. This is good (?) yet terrifying because I'm usually in the midst of the break-up by now. Or at least at the beginning of the break-up. I mean its gonna be 6 months soon. It's like somehow I've managed to withstand the break-up and somehow he's still around. Like the cat who came back the very next day. Only I like this cat and I totally open the front door and let him in. And I leave food out for him and stuff.
Listen I don't know, I couldn't carry that analogy any further. The point is, I'm so used to having major rifts in my relationship at this point that I sense myself sabotaging it by being so neurotic.
I know, that is SO unlike me.
Bottom line is that I don't love everything about him but I still really like being around him. After our 3 day weekend I still wanted to see him afterwards. He even met me downtown after I finished grocery shopping. What is that about? I really like him I guess. Its so weird...
Thought #8:
I can't wait for the Paper Planes video.
Thought #9:
I'm going to drink a glass of water (out of my Brita! How white am I now?!) and go to sleep.
Thought #10:
I wonder what I will dream about? I hope they're good dreams.
Thought #11:
Oo I have to wake up early tomorrow and wash some stuff for work. Crap. I hope I have enough quarters.
Ok thought #1:
My chronic insomnia is a product of my recent increase in anxiety, which arises from my general depression lately. Which is derived from letting myself go in the career and organizational departments, which being my total most vulnerable zones about which I am most insecure, make me feel like a complete and total waste of space. Even though I still get out of bed and work a full time job 5 days a week.
Thought #2:
This is more of a question really.
Why is my Time Warner bill so expensive? We don't even have any premium channels AND our internet sucks. Why is it still costing us $115 a month collectively? This seems wrong.
Thought #3:
I hate going to work but it gives me piece of mind that although the economy is imploding on itself, I somehow still make $15 an hour, 35 hours a week. Granted, I could be making a lot more than that if I sold my soul to the devil. Instead, I sell my soul to cranky old folks of the upper west side. Which is just fine with me because I happen to like some of those cranky old folks.
Thought #4:
Is this fucking election over yet? Cheese and rice people, I can't take this shit anymore!
Thought #5:
Grey's Anatomy is not impressing me yet this season. Except for that sexy army doctor, with his crazy vagabond ways and his "So?". I could do without the pen in the throat though. That was a little much. Also, how did he get that in there?
Thought #6:
My mother is coming for christmas for like 18 days or something. This is a lot BUT not a complete 3 weeks like she wanted. I consider this a compromise. I also think her compromising at all upon this point, is a big victory. Therefore, I win. Although also I lose, obviously. 18 days. AND its the holidays. There's nothing that quite reminds you of how fucked up your family has become, like being around said family during the holidays. If there was a textbook about my family, the holiday chapter would be subtitled, "We don't speak to each other and here's why:"
Thought #7:
I still have a boyfriend. This is good (?) yet terrifying because I'm usually in the midst of the break-up by now. Or at least at the beginning of the break-up. I mean its gonna be 6 months soon. It's like somehow I've managed to withstand the break-up and somehow he's still around. Like the cat who came back the very next day. Only I like this cat and I totally open the front door and let him in. And I leave food out for him and stuff.
Listen I don't know, I couldn't carry that analogy any further. The point is, I'm so used to having major rifts in my relationship at this point that I sense myself sabotaging it by being so neurotic.
I know, that is SO unlike me.
Bottom line is that I don't love everything about him but I still really like being around him. After our 3 day weekend I still wanted to see him afterwards. He even met me downtown after I finished grocery shopping. What is that about? I really like him I guess. Its so weird...
Thought #8:
I can't wait for the Paper Planes video.
Thought #9:
I'm going to drink a glass of water (out of my Brita! How white am I now?!) and go to sleep.
Thought #10:
I wonder what I will dream about? I hope they're good dreams.
Thought #11:
Oo I have to wake up early tomorrow and wash some stuff for work. Crap. I hope I have enough quarters.
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