Back to Black

I'm so angry, so angry angry.

I keep seeing slow-motion montages in my head of my blurred self tearing things apart in a rage, GOD I want to do it so bad. Just rip and tear at everything around me, my arms furiously reaching, everything coming crashing down upon my head. Scrape my fingernails down the white-washed walls and rip bleeding holes in the stark emptiness surrounding me.

"We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
I go back to..."

rien.

My brow has stuck all furrowed. My eyes scream out with injustice. A fire licks in my stomach every time anyone speaks, dares to open their mouth and let the lies pour out. I've shut myself up in my room and listened to the same song over and over.

I take pictures of my twisted angry self and I look at them as frustrated tears sneak out the corners of my eyes, laughing at me. You're not the only one with a dark side.

Is this what you wanted? To see this side of me? To push this little angry child out of my grown-up self to beat her fists upon the bars of her cage? Well I am stronger now then I was when we first met and now I won't hesitate, I will grasp them and shake them, echoing down the corridor, shake them hard and rattling loud, like a train off the tracks until I can't shake them anymore, until I finally collapse in exhaustion.

I hate you. Not in the real way, but I hate you for making me feel this way. I don't blame you, but I hate you all the same.

And then, then I do the worst. I nail the lid down on my own damn coffin. I stir in the poison myself, into the gasoline I'm sipping.
I look at the pictures of her over and over, I study her every feature, looking for what it is that holds you. What is it that doesn't manifest in me, that never will, never will be able to hold a man like you? I can't get inside there, not inside your hard walnut shell. But she's wormed her way in, she got inside of you and found me hiding there. And she's rotting me out, waiting until the toxicity gets too high and I evaporate and float slowly away from you.

She'll keep you forever.

Forever while I'm pushed out, drifting into nothing.

Its her and its you and its also another and another and everyone else too.
Its all of you who orchestrate the misery that chases me down until the moon rises in my window.

But you, you are the werewolf who devours me every night. You are the worst, oh so sweet and so vicious.

"we only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
you go back to her
and I go back to..."

black.