Twisted

I'm so confused. I'm so confused what's right for me.
Or maybe I know but I just don't want to face it. Some part of me is holding out.
Its that fucking hope thing again.
Kelsey said I reminded her of a little girl holding her eyes shut.
Such a good image for what is happening in all facets of my life right now.

I can't believe its only wednesday. Thank GOD I have wednesdays off. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't. I'm always so exhausted by monday and tuesday that if I didn't have the next day off, I swear I would drop dead in the street. Especially after tuesdays, tuesdays are rough. Michelle hated everything I brought in today, it was awful. I'm not sure I actually like design, I just liked it when it was something I was good at. Because I'm that shallow. Fabulous.


So many relationships confuse me, I don't really know why I end up drawn to the people that I find myself around. Some of them, actually several, are people that others can't even stand. Maybe its being so devoted to my mom who is so abrasive that I've learned to look past that in people, but I wonder if that's actually made me not realize when I'm shouldering more than my load. I hate having to defend people I care about, especially to myself. Why should I surround myself with people I'm not sure are good for me? Its a very helpless feeling not being able to control or trust your own feelings. If I feel myself gravitate towards someone, I may need to resist that very impulse. My self-destructive behavior is instinctual. I feel like I'm programmed to explode.


Also a question: when you love someone, shouldn't there be a sort of pride in that love? Shouldn't you want to shout it from the rooftops, shouldn't you want the world to know? Shouldn't you at least be able to face it yourself?

I feel very small right now, I feel as if I might be swallowed up and dissappear.

I think I take too much of what life hands me. Maybe I should start grabbing for things. I'm not sure I know entirely how to do that. Or what is worthwhile for that matter. I wish I had good role models in my life! People to show me what things are positive and what are not.

theatre certainly isn't any helped, god knows how fucked up we all are. we spend most of our free-time self medicating. Which may I say has its perks.