Sunday, September 17, 2006

you know, bring drunk is funny

So my schedule allows me to have four day weekends, every week. Which is great. Except for I realize it leads me to one of my two worst tendencies, which is either to be disgustingly unproductive or dangerously emotional and caught inside my worries and insecurities. And I always sleep until 1pm. And I drink and smoke too much.

I need to channel this restlessness into cleaning orrrrrr exercise like all those people I hate.

I've been sleeping horribly as well, I think one of the reasons I sleep so late every day is because I never get into the right rhythm until like 6am, and then I'm still awakened every couple of hours. I wonder what profound effect this has on my personality. Maybe I should take sleeping pills. Maybe it would help my tremor. My brain doesn't have the time to stretch and exercise my neurons and synapses and so they become slow and brittle and I have lost the ability to keep my hands steady.
My doctor assured me that benign (sp?) tremors do exist. WebMD says they can lead to stroke. Fuck WebMD. WebMD also tells me I may have lupus.

I've also decided that working out has absolutely no effect on me anymore. But I also blame the drunk munchies I guess.
Losing weight is so hard, I wish I didn't worry about it so much. I just look at myself in the mirror and I think, "this is not what a woman's body is supposed to look like". But then I realize I have no idea what it is supposed to look like. And then I get confused and eat some cheezits to calm myself. But its ok, cheezits are magic and can't make you fat. I heard its true.

I've got to score my scene for Hedda Gabler (as I like to mispronounce, Hedda Jablé) and I have got to clean my room, and probably the bathroom. I really hate being not neat. Its so much less aesthetically stressful if things are in their proper (or invisible) place. And I've got to have a serious rehearsal with John when he gets back from Rose Hill, I hope that is soon, because I'd like to go out to Queens tonight.

No word from Hervé since the 7th. I hope he comes home from his trip soon, I'm starting to believe that I've completely invented him.

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