The First of MANY Self-Pity Posts

I knew I would get there eventually, I just didn't realize I would get there so very soon.

I'm already feeling completely worthless and alienated, especially after the events of this morning which have left me realizing that nothing really has changed. Just because I'd decided I lived in this beautiful new world where I have a place, doesn't mean it really exists.

I just get so tired of having to fight so hard for credibility, for just a chance, for just a regard. I feel exhausted, after one week I feel utterly exhausted and alone. I feel like I don't have the courage to do this all the time, I can't possibly be expected to do this all the time when others have gilded footprints wherever they step. There is no never-ending well of courage, there is nothing like that. Just me, broken down and dissapointed and then finally realizing its pathetic not to try something, anything, to pull yourself up from the bottom. But my arms are tired from reaching, my legs are sinking into the mud, and no one seems to be interested in pulling me out.

What kills me the most is that the role I've been given is so brief but will still I'm sure manage to make me unelligible to try out for any of the november and december shows. Doors are shutting so fast, it seems everywhere I turn I just catch the slamming of the frame shaking and am left in an empty room with no way out. I didn't come back to New York to sink deeper, I came back to start something new. I don't think anyone else did, however. No one is particularly interested in changing anything.

I'm just dreading dreading the readthrough where I will sit for three hours listening to the play, throw in my five or six lines, and then liften to the end. Then we'll discuss the play and our impressions and I'll be grateful and smiling and interested, I'll have to be, because they think this is a gift. I hate it. I hate it. I hate having to act all the time. Why is me not good enough?

One-way trip to Lyon, France: $270
I long to be with someone who wants, someone who needs, someone who cherishes me.