Break-it Down

I had trouble sleeping last night, I tossed and turned and woke up many many times. My mind was racing, running away from the 20 nightmares that flipped through my mind like snapshots. Murphy's Law. That's what plays out in my dreams.

After dreading my performance this morning in class, I finally finished Hedda Gabler. I think I learned a lot about my own process, and maybe even my own strengths. Its funny, because I can't seem to play a character that doesn't have integrity and that isn't on some level vulnerable and fragile. Even a force-of-nature like Hedda, who is strong, demanding, and self-sufficient. I guess despite how complete we all are (or aren't) we all have dreams.

I skipped my history class today (ooooops) to sit in on Nicole's presentation for Endgame, which I'm designing in november. It was interesting, not necessarily terribly helpful for the costumes but it was an interesting insight into how a director's process works, how we approach a play. A bit of insight into Nicole as well, hehe.

Then I had vocal lab. Which was AWFUL. I knew, I just knew I was dreading performing my poem for some reason. I could never put my finger on it but every time she invited someone to go, I would stay glued to my spot - I never had the impulse to go. Today when I did, I could already feel the tears, the burning in my throat, mounting into my voice before I even finished the poem. When Elena touched me, I began to cry and then just waves and waves of helplessness came crashing over me and I could not stop crying. I felt like I was on display and no one wanted to watch this sad person, falling apart. It was terrible. I tried to breath through it, but my breath kept catching in my throat and chest. I was hiccuping and tears were rolling down my cheeks and I was trying so hard not to sob, to get control of myself, but I just kept digging deeper and deeper. I wanted to run out of the room, and when I did get back to my apartment there was no where to hide. My roomate was in the room, people were in the common room, just people everywhere. I just wanted to cry and I couldnt and I sat on the couch and stared at the television which Sammy was watching. Finally I crawled off to my room and took a nap.

I guess I do though, I do feel helpless. Or I feel guilty, feel like I should be doing something but its easier to do nothing. Every time I sit down and talk to one of them, I get caught up in it and I just want to throw myself out of window. Its a horrible situation that has no happy ending possible and even no ending in sight. Just misery stretching on and on, and I can't do anything to stop it. I hate that they're both miserable. I don't know the answer, I just can't fix it. I can't escape it, but I can't fix it, and I can't change it. All I can do is try to be there, but absorbing that pain and sorrow and fatigue and hurt just piles on top of me so much, sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. I don't talk about it, I guess, not out loud and I haven't cried about it in quite some time. But today it came pouring out of me and I couldn't stop it, so there I was crying hysterically in front of a dozen people, just sitting and staring at me with pity in their eyes. It was horrible.

I was walking away from class and Julia was talking to me, she asked, "is it about boys?"
Of course not, I told her, my boyfriend is wonderful. And he is, he is kind and patient and loving and he makes me laugh. I've never been more satisfied with that area of my life before. But it seems like once one part of my life straightens itself out and I just start to feel like I've got a handle on things, everything else slowly falls apart. And something tells me that this, is not going to change.

I know I know, its my life not theirs, I can't let their problems drag me through hell. They're adults and I should trust them to take care of their own lives. But my parents, my family, it just hurts me, pains me so greatly to see them unhappy. To see them in anguish, year after year, it is so hard. I can't make them happy, but I can't stand to see them like this. Its ripping me apart. And I can't fix it. And it feels awful.

Anyway...I was gonna try and stay up to see if Hervé gets online, but I'm sure he's got about a million things to do and I'm useless right now anyway. Maybe he'll be there in a few hours.

bonne nuit!