Sunday Still Sucks, Even When You're Out of School

Euch. What a wretched day I've had.

I woke up alone in my boyfriend's apartment since he had to leave at 5 in the morning for work. We'd had another nonsense fight the night before, leaving me in tears wondering if our relationship is ever going to work in the long run.
I managed to actually half-express these fears before letting him convince me they were completely irrational which I now realize in retrospect was not entirely true. He's just so impossible to reason with and that really worries me, I feel like half the time he's not even really listening to me, he's just reminding himself to stay patient because I'm fucked up emotionally. Which is true, but I also do have legitimate concerns, I'm not a complete basket case and I do have rational feelings of my own. Grrrrrr.
It probably didn't help matters that we had sex later anyway and then after sex I was in a much better mood. But these nonsense fights are still a huge problem and make me feel insecure in the relationship and that will eventually make the sex a lot less mood-enhancing.

Ever since I came home this morning, I've been really depressed. I mean how incompetent am I that I can't even find a fucking job in NYC of all places. And I can't even tell my boyfriend how I feel. What the fuck. Have I suddenly regressed to some infantile state? It seems like such a cognitive split would result from more than a negligible stressor liek graduating from college. It's the being unemployed that's got me really freaking out. That and this whole mess with relationships.

I just feel like my whole life is a mess. My mother is becoming increasingly less supportive since I have basically nothing to tell her about how I'm progressing my career by staying in new york and she went so far as to tell me today that she doesn't think I should sign a lease on my apartment. Which basically means, she thinks I've already failed. Which is NOT true, that is not true, I have not failed. I just haven't really tried yet. Which is totally different.

I just need to find a fucking job to pay the bills and have a schedule so when I audition for shows, which of course don't pay, I can answer questions that are sure to arise, such as "what's your schedule like?"

I mean I don't even feel like that's a rationalization, I feel like that is totally legitimate.

I seriously hate sundays. They have always been so depressing and although I thought the whole graduating from college thing might alleviate those feelings, apparently it has only aggravated them - as every sunday I am reminded what I did not get done the week before. And now we are talking things like, "make money to pay rent."

AND my internet is failing, I swear to god, every time I've tried to send a resume this weekend. Every junk email comes through loud and clear but as soon as I try and send a resume? Nope. 'Connection failed'


Jesus. At least I have the hip-hop of my neighbors on the street to console me.