Summer In Smoke

I really feel like I've been tossed around and stretched out like one of those plastic dolls whose arms and legs are extendable...what are those called? Stretch Armstrong?

I was taking out the garbage tonight, walking down my empty driveway in the dark and the closeness of my leaving and the amount of things that I wanted that never got done just washed over me. That and I don't know when I'm gonna see Jason again. Have I already seen him for the last time without realizing it? Well ok not the last time, but the last time for a while. A scary lonely while. God I'll miss him.

I haven't seen my sister, or Mara, or Daniel or a million friends I intended to catch up with. I have been so defeated lately I haven't been going to the gym. I haven't sorted out my health or my emotions. I haven't put the past behind me. I haven't laid in the sunshine. I haven't done anything except wish that things were a thousand times different than they are and look at my pathetic life and feel so discouraged that I could up and quit if I thought that I could live like this.

I'm terrified, terrified that I've wasted all this time and I'm no close to what I want.

Well except for finding love again, forever maybe, I hope, I don't know.

I went to see a naturopathic doctor and we spent most of my appointment talking about the painful emotional state I'm constantly suffering through. She listened to me talk and cry and anguish and she said some things that really made sense.
She said I was grieving and struggling to forgive my parents for being cowards.
That in order to rationalize their behavior I was forcing myself to think and feel in a way that my soul felt had no integrity. She said I needed to sit down and write a long letter.
And somehow that's going to make it all easier. I don't know how to write this letter. I don't know how to start. "You make me miserable".

Its just not fair is what the little child inside of me says. Why do I have to dig myself out of this hole? I don't feel totally responsible for being there. Its not fair.

But I suppose if I'm going to keep people from throwing continuing to throw fistfuls of dirt at me I'm going to have to climb out all by my fucking self. Typical.

God its going to be ugly. I'm terrified. I've actually never been more terrified in my life, I'm afraid I don't have the courage to do this. I wish I was stronger, like Jason is. He always amazes me. I never amaze myself, except at my own stupidity and obtuseness (word?).

I just feel very trapped and very exhausted and I know I am impatient and irritable and unconstructive and selfish because of it. And I hate feeling that way.

Today has been a rough day. I really feel very weak. I think I'll lay down.