any guesses?
so I find myself after this year exactly where I was two years ago. Which is ironic because I feel like so much has happened - but the only real concrete change its fashioned is the big fat 0 in my bank account SO here I am.
I got a job. Which is alright. It pays about 13 dollars an hour, more if I make above average comission. That being said, I have to get up at 5am. You win, you lose.
I'll tell you one thing I've really been enjoying: my bed. My giant queen-sized bed, all to myself. Which I'm sure will make me sad by the end of the summer, I mean the fact that I'm all alone in such a big bed, but right now I'm quite enjoying it. I stretch out sideways and I throw my arms splayed out like a snow angel. Its lovely.
I still don't know what I'm going to do in August. Don't ask me that.
My mom and I had a long conversation about my new view on life the other night after we saw The Skin of Our Teeth. I was deeply shaken by Mrs. Antrobus' announcement that "life is never how you hoped it would be, but somehow you go on". I was almost scared to, but I asked my mom if that was true. How horrible if that is true. I do hope I might get SOME of the things I hope for. I'm not asking for fame or fortune, I would just like to curl up at night with a man who loves me and feel good. I don't see why that wouldn't be possible, its not a lot to ask. And to do something that means something to me. That's all I really want. I want it to MEAN SOMETHING and feel good about it. There are people who get that sort of thing. Aren't there?
Anyhow it all feeds into my new realization: that you cannot live your life for the end result. It is the journey of life that makes life worth anything. Because you should never quite get there maybe - maybe death should interrupt it all, and then you should say, "Oh I was almost there, but look how far I came!" I don't know.
I saw 'Away From Her' with Julie Christie, who I imagine is the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She has the most profound and untarnishable beauty and grace. I would like to be a woman like that. Her beauty is pervasive, it spreads around her and splashes and spills away from each footstep she makes. Loveliness is a halo around her head and she makes everything lovely by shining upon it.
I would love to be a woman like that.
Its ok if I'm not, but I aspire to that. I suppose you are born with it or you aren't. She was probably that beautiful from birth, and I have never been that beautiful. I am normally beautiful I suppose, but no more than normal. I am not extraordinary.
I would like to be, but if my exterior is never extraordinary that would be fine.
I am feeling very mournful today. Somehow I feel like as each day passes, time slips away from me and is wasted.
I'm not doing anything that means anything.
I'm just making money, and sleeping at night in a big bed. What the fuck is that accomplishment?
August. I must [not] think about august, I must not not think about August. I must not. August. Fuck it.
Dinner. Fucking A. I'm having a glass of wine. Only alcohol could make this tolerable.
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hi, ma petite américaine, je suis super content de ce qui t'arrives, de trouver un travail, mais il est vrai que 5h du matin cela va te changer, surtout de laisser ce grand lit héhéhéh, mais j'apperçois que tu as peur de ce moi d'aout, je ne veux pas que tu aies peur, ou que je te fasse du mal, je veux que tu n'aies que du plaisir et du bonheur. J'aimerai te délivrer de ce mal être que tu ressends, je suis navré d'imaginer un instant que je suis celui qui te fait tant de mal. A moins que ce soit ce petit parisien qui lui aussi t'as marqué, mais peu importe tu as une place qui n'est pas négligeable dans ma tête,mon esprit et mes sentiments. Mais je suis heureux de te lire jour aprés jour et voir ton blog. Je te laisse je dois travailler pour régler mes différents problémes, j'ai appris beaucoup dans mes difficultés et mon carractére, je courrais aprés la réussite facile et l'argent gagné par un moyen détourné, j'en paie les frais mais il n'est question pour moi que de faire fâce à ce que j'ai déclenché. Je mûris au fur et à mesure, mais sâche que je serai présent toujours pour toi, à jamais. Je t'embrasse.
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