End Of The World Party

to sum up last night, tequila = death.

but since I spent so much time in bed this morning, post-tequila damage relief, I had a good while to think about things.

in the end it doesnt really matter how I feel. And I mean that in the sense that I will feel how I feel regardless of how others react to it/think about it. I can either try to rearrange myself every 3 minutes and just give myself more problems, or I can stop trying to suit myself to other people and be happier for it. I have no reason to be ashamed that I have a deep emotional connection to what happens around me, in fact I consider it my greatest strength. And if you can't deal with it, than why would I care what you think anyway? If you don't respect me than I don't give a damn what you think, basically.

Amen.

And this includes him too, I guess. I can't keep stressing about my feelings for him because they are what they are. If he lets them slowly wear away because he's afraid to love me than he turned away from true happiness. And I move on. There is more love in this world than what we offer each other and somewhere out there there is someone who can love me as much as I can love them.

I am not alone on this planet with a heart beating harder than anyone else.



I also gave a lot of thought to what I want to do after school next spring. Most of my friends are graduating this year (as I would have if I didn't have 3 majors and a heap of hang-ups) and watching them move on to the post-undergraduate abyss that is the world inspires me to think about my options. Everyone in Senior Showcase this year got a call from agents, casting directors. That would be LOVELY if that happened to my group but I'm already understanding that maybe it won't. And that's ok.

I'm just not a young girl on the inside and until my inside matches my outside (read: probably another 5 or 10 years) I don't know if I just want to sit in New York City working some dead-end 9-5, auditioning my ass off and never getting anything except face-time with casting directors. I realize that is somewhat valuable, but not enough to sustain me emotionally for that much time! I mean I would go completely bezerk!
So here's my plan if I don't get an agent out of showcase:

1. Graduate.
2. Get a job (any job will do. That pays at least 12 an hour. Hah.)
3. Save up 1000 bucks.
4. Get my TEFL certification (teaching english as a foreign language)
5. Get some teaching experience under my belt in new york.
6. Get a job in France!
7. Move to France.
8. Be wildly happy.

I figure I'd stay for maybe a year or two. Just be a person in the world. I would love to do some sort of theatre there, that would be amazing, but maybe I need some sort of de-tox. Anyhow, then I would eventually move back to the states and go to grad school. So what if I'm 27 when I go to grad school. Who cares. Whats the fucking rush anyway?

Life is what you make it, not what someone tells you it is. If this is what's right for me than its right. End. Of. Story.


Oh and everyone should listen to Feist. She's an amazing canadian songstress (and I have never used the word songstress before in my life and will never use it again).