Sunday, January 14, 2007

Hard Truth

God today was awful. Every time I have a "talk" with anyone in my family I end up crying my eyes out, it goes nowhere, and I end up feeling worse after.
Which is exactly what's going to happen tomorrow when I see my sister.
I'm just so tired of this whole mess. Its just not fair, not fair for people to treat each other this way.

Which brings me to today, which left me ramming my head into the wall of what I consider life's hardest truth: you have to learn to live with the world the way it is, not the way you wish it was.

This has always been a difficult lesson for me. Maybe because I lived too much in my imagination as a child. Maybe I read too many books. Maybe I would afterall have been better off playing videogames where people shoot eachother over gold and stab eachother in the back to win. Maybe we protect our children too much from the hardness of life.

I suppose, maybe until today, I believed that the world could be different. Or at least that I could make MY world different, surround myself with people and situations that are fair.

But reality is unavoidable, profound dissapointments are inevitable. We are all trapped and there is no way out, not money or fame or good behavior even or anything.

It brings me back to the conversation Hervé and Ian and I had after Thanksgiving dinner where I clung to my dear dear belief that springs from some deeply deluded part of my soul, that the world is cruel and unfair because we let it be. That it doesn't have to be that way, and that a person can still exist and survive without having to accept the world this way.

But I think I am now beginning to see that you can't survive that way. In order to glean any tiny happiness from this mess you have to deal in world that is unacceptably cruel and unjust. You have to accept it and move on with your life.

c'est la grande tristesse de la vie. Sadder than anything maybe. That you cannot make the world better by living a good life, and you cannot make yourself happy by pursuing happiness.

I guess you just have to feel lucky to be alive, and take what the world hands you and be as satisfied as you can.



No wonder the whole world is depressed.

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