Finalitudiness

Finished:
Draping final
Acting Final
Civil War Exam
Theatre History final paper

To do:
Civil War research paper

Mainstage was posted today. Nothing.
Its funny, every time I get this knot in my stomach, every time I walk down that deserted hallway I feel that tingling down there (no not down THERE) but I search and search that list for my name and its never there.
I had a long talk with Tina about how I feel as an actor. How I feel 40 years old and I can't stop crying. She made me feel like I'm not wasting my time. I've been feeling incredibly lost lately.
I've also been filled with intense longings for Seattle, although after tonights conversation with my mother, via skype, because my phone died, I'm not so sure being close would be a great thing. GOD. My dad decided to throw a tantrum and now he wants my mom and I out of the house on christmas. My mom doesn't want to put the tree up where he can enjoy it, so she's going to hide it away in her room. Same old bullshit.
Merry Christmas.

What I am to you, is not real.
You give me mountains when I ask for the sea.

I miss nature. I hate these buildings and streets and people, cold faceless people everywhere. Everything costs 100 dollars that I don't have. The only person who believes in me is my mother. God that's depressing.

I've been feeling not supported, seriously not supported here lately. I know everyone is very busy, but I feel myself drifting farther and farther away from everyone. I can't connect, no one seems to want to, besides to laugh at jokes. I'm tired of jokes. I feel like a joke. Can't anyone see me? Have I turned invisible?

No, the problem isn't that. That's not fair. I don't know what it is. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm so tired of talking. Talking talking talking gets me no where. I walk around with headphones on so I don't have to talk. Maybe I like being withdrawn.

I have to write a proposal for my thesis, on top of it all. Fuuuuuuuuuck.

I just want to ride away to some mysterious cloudy island in a canoe like an indian princess rowing to her grave, her face resigned facing towards the horizon. I want to be brave.