I forgot about you!

So...sorry I haven't posted in a loooooong time. For me. Which is not long for regular people.

Busybody rehearsals are way more than underway, we go into Tech alarmingly soon. We're almost done blocking the show. I'm in it for about 5 minutes, but its a fun five minutes, so I'm perfectly pleased. My costume is so pretty! Its hot pink with cleavage up to my eyebrows. Awesome. I love the designer, I was talking to her while we were in the shop today. She is so pretty and nice! She's assisting at Lincoln Center right now, she went to Yale. She's sooooo good, man, its exciting. I mean I could never do it, but to have her as a designer is exciting.

Endgame is taking up all of my time, I've been busting my ass on the costumes. I don't know how I feel about them, i think I like them, but I don't know if other people will. I mean it does fit with the concept. I've still got work to do tomorrow though, Doh!

Hervé and I had a big heart-to-heart. He's great because he's so realistic and down-to-earth, and he's open with me. But that means he tells me things I don't want to hear, you know, like the truth. Who wants that? Oh wait, me. Or at least I think I do. In principle, not in practice. No I mean I do. I just...I mean fuck the truth, really.
I just really really like him, but things are looking really really impossible. He's coming to visit for Thanksgiving, I'm so anxious to see him and yet so scared. I keep telling myself that if I lose 20 pounds and look really really great when he comes everything will be peachy...so untrue. Why do the good ones never stick around? Or live in the same country? He's so great. Its not fair.
I was so upset about it last week, he wrote me a very long, very honest email last wednesday and I was just...not in a good place. I spent hours writing a response and then I got REALLY stoned. I read my response later and it was like someone else had written it. I feel so lost right now. I just know that when I close my eyes at night I see him, that's got to mean something. I daydream about him all the time, his name pops into my head at random times. I think of little stories about him in every conversation. I don't know if that's love, I get that way so fast. The speeding train. Last week it hit the tracks and derailed and I've spent every last ounce of energy I've had, which hasn't been much due to all the work I've had, trying to drag it back on course. But the track has changed, I can't tell how, maybe the destination...something palpable has skidded off and I have the most rotten feeling that I'm going to end up broken and beaten down and at the bottom of the emotional gutter once again. I could break it off now, but every time I even dare to let that thought enter my mind, I just want to vomit. I feel very mixed up. I imagine his face and try to think what my reaction is going to be. Hopefully I won't just burst into tears. I'm scared that this is going to be the last time he wants to see me.
Whats wrong with me? God.

Alright, well its 1:30 already and class starts bright and early at 9am. I'm doing a scene from Funeral Parlor by Christopher Durang. Its funny, my partner is great. Hopefully I'll be fucking done with Endgame costumes tomorrow. I still have to show up every night for make-up. Sigh.

Also registration coming up. Important decisions about the future! Ooo!!