Tomorrow is such a long time...

I'm now living in a weird cloud. Endgame is over, Busybody tech is about to start. I spend a lot of time in rehearsal deep in my own thoughts, which as we all know, is absolutely 100% toxic.

I've also been writing silly metaphorical rhyming poetry, restoration-style. Its absurd.

Talked to mom on the phone today. Poison. Now she wants me to come to Oregon to see plays on Easter weekend, and if that means I can't go to France then that's what it means. Ummmm WHAT?! So you are giving me tickets to France as a gift but then deciding instead that I'm going to Ashland and not to France? I mean I hate to look a gift-horse in the mouth but bitch, you are one crazy fucking horse! She's also spending Thanksgiving alone, for which I could just scourge myself to death. I swear, my relationship with my mother is the world's deadliest mine-field.

Hervé is still coming for thanksgiving...I think. At least he was as of last week when I last heard from him, I hope that still means yes. I want to see him so badly and yet I'm dreading it with my entire being. I just have the strongest feeling that its going to end with me being very very sad, and I'm not usually wrong about these things.
I've found myself thinking and saying depressing things, like its only safe to be alone, and when you risk everything you lose everything. I'm feeling very afraid, afraid of everything, I feel like my next big disaster is right around the corner and I'm petrified. I don't know if there is someone here who can catch me this time. I mean I'm not gonna go jumping off a cliff but I'm not going to bounce back very well from this, I can see it already. And I hate struggling.

My Dad has a new job. So that's good. However, it doesn't seem to have calmed his explosive outbursts towards Mom, so what the fuck good does that do me? God, they are a mess. You think when people have been married 35 years they must really love each other; but then I look at my parents and I just think, "I'm never getting married. Ever."

I just can't deal with all these apprehensions, I feel unprepared and I don't know what I can do to make it better. The only way I am surviving is by ignoring it most of the day. And that can't last forever.

In other news, I might not be able to finish one of my three majors. Not sure, I have to talk to my advisors. I'm supposed to register tomorrow but uhhh I don't have my pin...oops...


"well, you're on earth...there's no cure for that!"