I had a nice long talk with meg tonight, I miss our talks. We're both so busy all the time, but when we do make time, its nice. I don't think I have another friend (in ny) who I really feel listens to me quite like she does. She's great, I liker her a lot.
Today has been hard. This morning was full of dissapointments, little trivial things which for some reason were really upsetting me. I felt nearly volatile this morning, combustible. Maybe I didn't sleep long enough or something.
Still no message from Hervé, still don't know if he is coming or not, but all this time waiting makes me think that he isn't and I've been fooled again.
I wish someone would tell you if its the last time you're going to see them. I would have taken so much more time, or done something huge, or cried more. I don't know. How can I make it right? Its all wrong.
Thank GOD for Busybody, its kept me busy enough to stay sane. I feel a bit like my character in Funeral Parlor - just needing to get through the day without dipping into her emotional reality, because its a dark scary place full of sadness and loneliness and if you even test the waters with your toe, you will fall in and never be able to crawl back out.
Tonight I thought about Akilles, for the first time in a very long time. I should write him an email, I wonder how he is doing. He started a new job, he's out of school now. I'm just curious, no big gesture.
Talked to my mom on the phone today for two hours - her idea of a "short" conversation. GOD how depressing. I just feel helpless and guilt-ridden and awful and horrible and useless and selfish and mean. And things at home are a disaster, and I hate spending time there and I feel horrible about it.
I need to know if Hervé is coming, but I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid. I want to call you but I'm afraid. Maybe I'll have an email tomorrow.
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