Slump City

I'm in an awful slump. In every way.
I'm uninspired and bored and lonely.
The only fun I've really had in the last two weeks is popping bubble-wrap and watching hours of Without A Trace.

I just feel like I'm sleep-walking through my life. I don't get excited about anything, all I do all day long is listen. Listen to other people stories and problems and ideas and beliefs and lessons and I step farther and farther away from myself. Its an awful feeling, and it makes me resentful and angry. But I'm so stifled that it all gets pushed down down down somewhere where all that resentment and anger and sadness hides and then comes out in vocal lab when I have nervous breakdowns in front of the entire class.

I should probably be in therapy but I can't afford it.

My dad is going to accept a new job; with a huge pay-cut of course. My mom is gonna have to go back to work. She doesn't get to go to her therapist every week anymore. Things are rotten at home, my dad exploded at her again. My sister has dissappeared off the face of the planet. I am completely frustrated and bored at school. My acting teacher doesn't know my name. I am unremarkable in all of my other classes. Everyone around me is getting on my nerves. I'm eating everything in sight and obsessing about my weight at the same time. My sex life is non-existant, and I don't know when or if my boyfriend is coming to visit soon. And to top it all off, my Dad's new company won't pay for my anxiety medication. Which means I can look forward to feeling like this for a long long time.

Its 2:15am and I have to work tomorrow. I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I feel frozen and floating away. I smoked and drank and did everything I could think of. I don't know how to thaw out. I forget how tap into that real place. I just woke up and felt paralyzed. What is going on?