Retrospective

Last night it started to rain and the drops were plunking off my air conditioner (yessss thank god) and I laid awake in bed until 4am for absolutely no reason.
It didn't bother me too much actually, apart from the initial frustration. I am an occasional insomniac, a throwback to old times I suppose, and I didn't have anything to do early this morning so I just sat and waited it out.

While I obsessively checked the clock every three minutes, it got me thinking about how things change over time. Three months, three years, three decades (hypothetically speaking of course, since I have yet to live for three decades, knock on wood). I have friends getting married, earning their phd's, starting lucrative careers, HAVING BABIES. I sit with them at breakfast, chat on the phone, laugh about everyday things and then watch them step up to these huge adult milestones, and I realize how brave they are and how much they've grown up in front of me.

I look back to the person I was when I was 16, that's seven years ago now, and I still feel like I look at that girl in the mirror every day. I'm still chronically melodramatic, still stubborn and unbending, still careless and scattered, still leaping before I think everything through. I feel like I'll just look up one day and have wrinkles around my eyes without feeling any different. Life moves so quickly!

Which just throws into striking contrast my absolutely useless existence these days. I wake up, I eat breakfast watching the food channel, I clean, I go out running errands for a few hours or go to the gym, wander around the city a little (we've had beautiful weather after all, best to take advantage before it gets hotter than hades and I start hating it), come home, make dinner, clean up, check my to-do list (since there's inevitably one or two important things I forgot to do), maybe have a drink with a friend/friends or head over to Alex's, and then sleep. Repeat and repeat. It's such a silly existence and I am so bored. I hate feeling like I'm wasting these days. I should be seizing the day, you know, carpe diem and stuff.

Well anyway, I guess my subconscious decided to kick me into gear because I woke up at 8:30 this morning and cannot fall back asleep. And I was even planning on getting up at 10 to get things done! But now I've only have 4.5 hours of sleep and I'm already exhausted. What do I do at this point? Should I try and get some more sleep NOW? I don't want to fall asleep doing my laundry.

You see? YOU SEE? My life is absurd and pointless. These are the dilemmas I'm dealing with - when to nap. I mean jesus, with all this time you'd think AT LEAST I would be getting caught up on sleep!

I am a useless individual.

Also, check out the cover of Make You Feel My Love by the bluesy brit Adele. It makes even me want to commit to my relationship which, you know, is saying a lot.