So tonight I wrote a letter that I had been trying to write for a long time to someone who was really special to me that I hurt because I was confused and inconsiderate and lost their friendship, maybe forever. Sometimes you can't turn back from things.
I like to consider myself a person who has no regrets because I'm mostly a good sort of person who doesn't do regrettable things. But I guess you never know what kind of person you really are. I look back at things I've done in the past and I think, "how could I do something like that?" Even if I never do those things again, I AM a person who does those things.
Christianity says God will forgive if we repent. What good does that do? People can't forgive. How can you forgive someone who's really hurt you? You will always see the shadow of that pain when you look into their eyes and think: "this person i love." How does that reconcile? How can you love that person unless you love the hurt? That relationship is forever changed. Forever, inextricably tied up with that hurt. Tied up with the love and everything else.
I know why I'm thinking these things at 1:30am. I know why I'm looking back. I want the hurt to stop without stopping the love. But they're tied up now. They're tied up. Because I'm a person who does those things.