à bout

I'm glad the semester is ending. I mean I'm not glad I have finals on tuesday - jesus - but I just feel completely drained. All my energy either went into healing from my accident or Life is a Dream which was a huge dissapointment.

I'm dreading going home. The holidays are always an explosive time at my house. Last Christmas my mom threw my dad out and so he spent all day at the movie theater and then he told me about how humiliated and alone he felt sitting there in the dark. Seriously. God, I felt like I was in some horrible teen movie starring Mandy Moore. I wish I had something solid, something. But I don't think I do.

Even a little escape. Where I could go and just not worry, just let the rest dissolve away. I think I would be stronger if I had that. It's hard for me to be happy when I don't feel safe. I mean god, that's natural isn't it?

I leave for Russia on the 27th. I can't wait. I know I will feel breathless and free. And even if it only lasts for two weeks, I know I'll feel more alive there than I have felt in a really long time.

I have my drawing final on tuesday and an essay exam for theater history. I fly home on wednesday.

I don't know what happens after that. I don't know what I want. I just want it to be easier. I want to feel lighter.