After pulling a crazy all-nighter, where I can honestly say that I actually worked through the entire night, and somehow struggling through my oh-so-favorite day of the week, I get home at 11pm and what do I do?
I watch TV and dick around until 2am.
There just comes a point where you are so tired that you just can't stop not sleeping. You think to yourself, "well, it can't get any worse than this"
and then "oh look! A show about the Nick's City Dancers, I should definitely watch this."
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
The 'weak' in 'weekend'
Sammy came to visit for the weekend and it was so great. She and I and Meg spent lots of quality time together. It was so lovely! I miss having them around. I miss normal people! I mean normal but secretly weird and hilarious, but seemingly normal. Actually what I really mean is functional. And not addicted to drugs or alcohol.
Anyway it made us all very nostalgic. Its sad that we'll never all live together in the same town again, considering we lived in the same apartment for three years.
What a great weekend!
Of course I got none of my work down however, so I'm gonna have an awful week full of sleep-deprivation and stress.
I really need to rethink how much effort and thought I put into managing my time.
And less effort and thought into how I'm going to afford to drink.
Anyway it made us all very nostalgic. Its sad that we'll never all live together in the same town again, considering we lived in the same apartment for three years.
What a great weekend!
Of course I got none of my work down however, so I'm gonna have an awful week full of sleep-deprivation and stress.
I really need to rethink how much effort and thought I put into managing my time.
And less effort and thought into how I'm going to afford to drink.
Monday, October 22, 2007
song beneath the song
I like drawing with charcoal. I love it, in fact, so much better than pencil or ink. I think because I can get my hands into the shadows and spread them daintily or piercingly as the case may be. I put my computer on one of my pandora stations () and just zone out.
I also like tearing my putty eraser into long strings and feeling the fibers go soft and downy. Then I rub the charcoal off my wrists and palms (and arms and face and legs etc...I'm a naturally messy person).
I went to bed at 10:30 last night because I just couldn't think about anything that was going on in life right then. I was sitting there discussing the night before with Morgan and I just was so overwhelmed that I stood up, went to my room, took off my clothes, turned the lights off and went to bed. At 10:20 on a saturday! I mean that's not me.
Even so, getting out of bed this morning was still difficult. Not in the I-have-nothing-to-get-up-for way, certainly not, I mean, if nothing else I was hungry since I'd never actually eaten dinner. But my whole body was just so exhausted and I kept waking up and rolling over again, back to sleep.
I was talking to Meg today (love her) about how terrified I am of my show. I mean really if you put it in simplistic terms it's a celebration of a story that...I think is imagined. Not that I don't long for those things too, I mean of a perfect goodness in the universe, but when you come down to it, I can't believe that exists. I mean I can hope it does, but can't fully surrender to that belief. And that's my own fault, I mean at some point in my life, that was a choice I made, somehow.
I often wish I could turn myself around, to get down on my knees, and to give it all over. I've even tried, honestly, even the whole getting down on your knees part. I even tell myself I've done it. But in the end, it turns out that I haven't really, and bad things happen, deep dissapointments come and come again, and I know that they always will. They always will.
That isn't to say that life isn't beautiful, it is. That's what makes it worth living. Some single moments and experiences are so unspeakably beautiful that they can sustain a person for a lifetime, and most lives are full of those moments.
In the middle ages they thought that fate was a wheel. Spinning on the axis of time, you're always on the way up, or on the way down. How can you love the force spinning that wheel? I suppose knowing that once they plunge you into darkness they'll bring you back into the light. But then they just plunge you back into darkness again - i mean - how can you trust that person, give them your love and your faith. And forgive them. My mind and body revolt from surrendering to someone who hurts me, call it hyper-vigilance, call me what you will.
And in the end, it doesn't make a difference what you believe. That wheel keeps turning, time passes and there are beautiful moments and terrible ones, and that is life.
How can I play this part and sincerely wish people to do something that to me, makes no sense? That to me, at least for now, is empty?
I also like tearing my putty eraser into long strings and feeling the fibers go soft and downy. Then I rub the charcoal off my wrists and palms (and arms and face and legs etc...I'm a naturally messy person).
I went to bed at 10:30 last night because I just couldn't think about anything that was going on in life right then. I was sitting there discussing the night before with Morgan and I just was so overwhelmed that I stood up, went to my room, took off my clothes, turned the lights off and went to bed. At 10:20 on a saturday! I mean that's not me.
Even so, getting out of bed this morning was still difficult. Not in the I-have-nothing-to-get-up-for way, certainly not, I mean, if nothing else I was hungry since I'd never actually eaten dinner. But my whole body was just so exhausted and I kept waking up and rolling over again, back to sleep.
I was talking to Meg today (love her) about how terrified I am of my show. I mean really if you put it in simplistic terms it's a celebration of a story that...I think is imagined. Not that I don't long for those things too, I mean of a perfect goodness in the universe, but when you come down to it, I can't believe that exists. I mean I can hope it does, but can't fully surrender to that belief. And that's my own fault, I mean at some point in my life, that was a choice I made, somehow.
I often wish I could turn myself around, to get down on my knees, and to give it all over. I've even tried, honestly, even the whole getting down on your knees part. I even tell myself I've done it. But in the end, it turns out that I haven't really, and bad things happen, deep dissapointments come and come again, and I know that they always will. They always will.
That isn't to say that life isn't beautiful, it is. That's what makes it worth living. Some single moments and experiences are so unspeakably beautiful that they can sustain a person for a lifetime, and most lives are full of those moments.
In the middle ages they thought that fate was a wheel. Spinning on the axis of time, you're always on the way up, or on the way down. How can you love the force spinning that wheel? I suppose knowing that once they plunge you into darkness they'll bring you back into the light. But then they just plunge you back into darkness again - i mean - how can you trust that person, give them your love and your faith. And forgive them. My mind and body revolt from surrendering to someone who hurts me, call it hyper-vigilance, call me what you will.
And in the end, it doesn't make a difference what you believe. That wheel keeps turning, time passes and there are beautiful moments and terrible ones, and that is life.
How can I play this part and sincerely wish people to do something that to me, makes no sense? That to me, at least for now, is empty?
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
The Run-Down
So I woke up at 7am this morning to go to the physical therapist.
I was walking across town on my way there and it was a beautiful morning. A little chilly but not too cold and not too windy. The streets were still relatively calm, people just starting to make their way to work but before the 9am rush. It was lovely, I felt really awake and ready to face the day.
Then physical therapy was just depressing. Although I am pretty happy with the progress I've made the pain is not actually any better. Not any better after the two weeks in the fucking brace from hell. My physical therapist looked worried and she left the room while I was doing electrostimulation to call my doctor about it. She's still convinced that I've got a tear in my ACL or meniscus that's keeping my MCL from healing properly. Her version of the bright side? The other injury may be inoperable, so there's nothing that could have been done anyway.
I'd call that a reach for a best-case scenario.
Now I'm just filled with anxiety. I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow morning, she may want to take another MRI. I just want it to be over. I don't even care about the pain, I just want to know that my knee is going to get better really really soon. That my career isn't permanently handicapped. That I'm not going to have to go through an extremely painful surgery that will take me years to recover from, and have arthritic knees when I'm 30 years old.
This is just a fucking nightmare and the pain makes everything ten times worse. I'm irritable, hyper-sensitive, unmotivated and unproductive, and extremely withdrawn. I really need some comfort and I just have nowhere, nowhere to get it.
And I felt so good this morning! It really makes a person feel utterly defeated. And its not even 10am and I'll be in class or rehearsal literally until 11pm tonight. How am I going to get through this? I already want to burst into tears.
I was walking across town on my way there and it was a beautiful morning. A little chilly but not too cold and not too windy. The streets were still relatively calm, people just starting to make their way to work but before the 9am rush. It was lovely, I felt really awake and ready to face the day.
Then physical therapy was just depressing. Although I am pretty happy with the progress I've made the pain is not actually any better. Not any better after the two weeks in the fucking brace from hell. My physical therapist looked worried and she left the room while I was doing electrostimulation to call my doctor about it. She's still convinced that I've got a tear in my ACL or meniscus that's keeping my MCL from healing properly. Her version of the bright side? The other injury may be inoperable, so there's nothing that could have been done anyway.
I'd call that a reach for a best-case scenario.
Now I'm just filled with anxiety. I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow morning, she may want to take another MRI. I just want it to be over. I don't even care about the pain, I just want to know that my knee is going to get better really really soon. That my career isn't permanently handicapped. That I'm not going to have to go through an extremely painful surgery that will take me years to recover from, and have arthritic knees when I'm 30 years old.
This is just a fucking nightmare and the pain makes everything ten times worse. I'm irritable, hyper-sensitive, unmotivated and unproductive, and extremely withdrawn. I really need some comfort and I just have nowhere, nowhere to get it.
And I felt so good this morning! It really makes a person feel utterly defeated. And its not even 10am and I'll be in class or rehearsal literally until 11pm tonight. How am I going to get through this? I already want to burst into tears.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Dear Weatherman:
Do you ever feel like a hurricane?
Tearing aluminum roofs off in anonymous trailer parks?
You are like a wise and patient meteorologist.
You have a good storm sense.
And I like the way you look.
I’m sorry I rage.
It’s just my nature.
Forgive me?
Tearing aluminum roofs off in anonymous trailer parks?
You are like a wise and patient meteorologist.
You have a good storm sense.
And I like the way you look.
I’m sorry I rage.
It’s just my nature.
Forgive me?
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Meow Meow Meow
So funny story.
You know how I was looking forward to getting my brace off, counting the days, you know, planning all the things I was finally going to be able to do. I was excited.
So turns out, life sans brace = a new level of pain.
I literally cried through all of my exercises. It was awful. And my range of motion is HORRIBLE and I cannot walk normally. I think I forgot how and my body is NOT anxious to remind me. I try to walk normally and my body send a message from my knee to my brain saying, "Whaaaa wait why would you want to do that? It hurts! Absolutely not. No no no. Nope, busy, no."
I got really scared so I called my mom (listen, I'm codependent, its not a crime) and she assured me that it would get better, that she felt the same way, that is was hopeless but it really does get better, and I should go to the YMCA and swim, meow meow meow. And she's right.
I would have done it today but its raining! I don't like walking in the rain. New York City rain is not ok. Seattle rain is nice because its light and clean and smells good. New York City rain is hard and smells horrible and probably has little droplets of incinorated body parts in it or something. Or bed-bugs. Something really disgusting. I got caught in the rain on my way back from a reading I did downtown and I was soaked to the bone, through my clothes and everything. Not anxious to do that again.
Alright well, I'm going to try my exercises. I took a pain killer, hopefully it won't be completely hellish.
You know how I was looking forward to getting my brace off, counting the days, you know, planning all the things I was finally going to be able to do. I was excited.
So turns out, life sans brace = a new level of pain.
I literally cried through all of my exercises. It was awful. And my range of motion is HORRIBLE and I cannot walk normally. I think I forgot how and my body is NOT anxious to remind me. I try to walk normally and my body send a message from my knee to my brain saying, "Whaaaa wait why would you want to do that? It hurts! Absolutely not. No no no. Nope, busy, no."
I got really scared so I called my mom (listen, I'm codependent, its not a crime) and she assured me that it would get better, that she felt the same way, that is was hopeless but it really does get better, and I should go to the YMCA and swim, meow meow meow. And she's right.
I would have done it today but its raining! I don't like walking in the rain. New York City rain is not ok. Seattle rain is nice because its light and clean and smells good. New York City rain is hard and smells horrible and probably has little droplets of incinorated body parts in it or something. Or bed-bugs. Something really disgusting. I got caught in the rain on my way back from a reading I did downtown and I was soaked to the bone, through my clothes and everything. Not anxious to do that again.
Alright well, I'm going to try my exercises. I took a pain killer, hopefully it won't be completely hellish.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Melancholy Tide
I took the plunge and I hit the water hard but it felt so cool and dark and inviting that I swam deeper, knowing it would be heaven to let go. But now the light is fading above my head, and I'm so far down that I don't know which way is up. I'm all alone at the bottom of the sea while he tugs on away across the surface.
Its an uncomfortably familiar feeling. Reminds me of the first time I felt it, six years ago, and each time after. Its just hard to believe I dove in again - even harder to believe I was eager to do it.
A body never learns.
Its an uncomfortably familiar feeling. Reminds me of the first time I felt it, six years ago, and each time after. Its just hard to believe I dove in again - even harder to believe I was eager to do it.
A body never learns.
Monday, October 01, 2007
I Wanna Hold Your Hand
I've been listening to the Across the Universe soundtrack for pretty much 48 hours nonstop. I tried to listen to it while writing my paper, but I mostly sang 'I want to hold you hand' for about 6 hours.
Ok, exaggeration. But I got NOTHING done, which means I'll be working my ass off all night tonight, while Kelsey is here, which sucks. I suck!
Oh well....close your eyes and I'll kiss you, tomorrow I'll miss you, remember I'll always be true!
first acting class today with Diane Weast! Excited...wish I wasn't in an enormous leg brace!
Ok, exaggeration. But I got NOTHING done, which means I'll be working my ass off all night tonight, while Kelsey is here, which sucks. I suck!
Oh well....close your eyes and I'll kiss you, tomorrow I'll miss you, remember I'll always be true!
first acting class today with Diane Weast! Excited...wish I wasn't in an enormous leg brace!
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Block
I've attempted to write an entry several times, and I have such anxiety about things I shouldn't write, or things being too innane/psychotic to write, this is all I can manage, self-consciousness aside:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crunchy (a link wouldn't work, I don't know why)
why have I been feeling like I need to censor myself? Where is that impulse coming from? Why do I get so ashamed of myself and insecure? I feel like I've been knocked off my pedestal and am fighting to get back on top of it.
Strange.
And in case you're thinking, "wow, you see? She's so aware of her issues, so she won't keeping those for long," don't get ahead of yourself. Turns out that being self-aware doesn't make you less neurotic. It makes your neuroses more sophisticated.
I'm a gifted genius when it comes to insecurity.
I'm so advanced!
anyway, you should check that link, I found it while browsing wikipedia (one of my favorite hobbies) and it's hilarious
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crunchy (a link wouldn't work, I don't know why)
why have I been feeling like I need to censor myself? Where is that impulse coming from? Why do I get so ashamed of myself and insecure? I feel like I've been knocked off my pedestal and am fighting to get back on top of it.
Strange.
And in case you're thinking, "wow, you see? She's so aware of her issues, so she won't keeping those for long," don't get ahead of yourself. Turns out that being self-aware doesn't make you less neurotic. It makes your neuroses more sophisticated.
I'm a gifted genius when it comes to insecurity.
I'm so advanced!
anyway, you should check that link, I found it while browsing wikipedia (one of my favorite hobbies) and it's hilarious
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Blink of an eye
Today we got an email from our senior audition teacher. She apologized for being unresponsive to our emails (we're sending her stuff for class) and explained that after class last week she had a message from a State Trooper saying her husband had been involved in a fatal car accident and that he had been killed.
I can't even imagine. One second and your life is one thing and then a split second later your life is torn into pieces so fine you can't make it out anymore. I would lose my mind with grief. Imagine you start your day, you wake up next to your husband of what I assume is many years, you get ready, you say "see you later" and that afternoon some stranger calls and tells you that your husband is gone and you will never see him again and there is nothing you can do and you have to face it.
I really think my mind would crack, I'd probably end up in some psych ward somewhere. God, and I'm sure she has kids too. Jesus Christ.
I don't know why it hit me so hard but I've been feeling really out of it all day. I was just seized with this fear of something horrible happening to someone I love. I could hardly concentrate in class. I couldn't be present at all in vocal tech because I knew I would just cry my eyes out.
My dad got one of those calls. From the State Trooper. When I had my accident. I mean, we weren't dead, but still. I can't imagine. Even my father who "doesn't need emotions" must have been so...scared.
He called me twice today, just to chat. I know I should talk to him but it just feels so staged. I know it would make him feel better, even if it makes me feel worse, I should probably just bite the bullet.
I don't understand that man. I don't understand who he is. I just don't want to be dissapointed over and over again. His potential for good and for evil is bottomless and I don't like sticking my neck out on the chopping block. I mean, can you blame me? That's just basic survival instinct. Why should I offer him unconditional love when I know I won't get it in return? One minute he wants to chat for an hour on the phone about whats going on in my life and the next minute he's provoking my mom to call the police to our house. AGAIN. WHO ARE YOU?!
guh.
Poor Jason, I texted him 5 times tonight to make sure he was driving safely. I'm a nut.
Fucking tuesday...
I can't even imagine. One second and your life is one thing and then a split second later your life is torn into pieces so fine you can't make it out anymore. I would lose my mind with grief. Imagine you start your day, you wake up next to your husband of what I assume is many years, you get ready, you say "see you later" and that afternoon some stranger calls and tells you that your husband is gone and you will never see him again and there is nothing you can do and you have to face it.
I really think my mind would crack, I'd probably end up in some psych ward somewhere. God, and I'm sure she has kids too. Jesus Christ.
I don't know why it hit me so hard but I've been feeling really out of it all day. I was just seized with this fear of something horrible happening to someone I love. I could hardly concentrate in class. I couldn't be present at all in vocal tech because I knew I would just cry my eyes out.
My dad got one of those calls. From the State Trooper. When I had my accident. I mean, we weren't dead, but still. I can't imagine. Even my father who "doesn't need emotions" must have been so...scared.
He called me twice today, just to chat. I know I should talk to him but it just feels so staged. I know it would make him feel better, even if it makes me feel worse, I should probably just bite the bullet.
I don't understand that man. I don't understand who he is. I just don't want to be dissapointed over and over again. His potential for good and for evil is bottomless and I don't like sticking my neck out on the chopping block. I mean, can you blame me? That's just basic survival instinct. Why should I offer him unconditional love when I know I won't get it in return? One minute he wants to chat for an hour on the phone about whats going on in my life and the next minute he's provoking my mom to call the police to our house. AGAIN. WHO ARE YOU?!
guh.
Poor Jason, I texted him 5 times tonight to make sure he was driving safely. I'm a nut.
Fucking tuesday...
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Sweet Home _______
fill in the blank, please.
I only thought of that because today I was exhausted when I finally slumped home at about 6:30pm. So upon arrival I was debated whether or not I should suck it up and take a nap and I decided I didn't have time to take a nap. So I turned on the tv thinking I would at least give my mind a snooze without giving in my whole body, but apparently my body disagreed, because about 10 minutes into Sweet Home Alabama I was out like a light on the couch. I woke up two hours later, sooooo sore.
My whole body hurts.
Physical therapy sucked today. I'm tired of being in pain and not being able to run and jump and work out. I'm getting fat, it makes me sick. So then I eat two candy bars to make myself feel better.
But seriously, I'm realizing that there is no way to get through this recovery without tempting a flare-up of my Achilles tendonitis and this whole thing is just spiraling out of control. My knee isn't ANY better, I'm getting the name of an orthapedist (who the fuck knows how to spell that word) to see exactly whats going on. The rest of me is still sore from sunday because I'm so out of shape.
I'm still sleepy. I'm so sleepy I'm almost a little nauseous. Does that ever happen to you?
I had a nice time in drawing today, for a change. I got to play with ink. Ink is fun. And is now all over my entire arms and hands. I have a special talent for making messes.
I read a great play by a playwright who I know (sort of know) tonight and I was relieved because it was REALLY good and hilarious and creepy because you're so disturbed and amused at the same time. I love theater.
I feel a little crazy right now. I feel a little...untethered.
hmmmmmmmmmmm maybe I'll go lookin for trouble
I only thought of that because today I was exhausted when I finally slumped home at about 6:30pm. So upon arrival I was debated whether or not I should suck it up and take a nap and I decided I didn't have time to take a nap. So I turned on the tv thinking I would at least give my mind a snooze without giving in my whole body, but apparently my body disagreed, because about 10 minutes into Sweet Home Alabama I was out like a light on the couch. I woke up two hours later, sooooo sore.
My whole body hurts.
Physical therapy sucked today. I'm tired of being in pain and not being able to run and jump and work out. I'm getting fat, it makes me sick. So then I eat two candy bars to make myself feel better.
But seriously, I'm realizing that there is no way to get through this recovery without tempting a flare-up of my Achilles tendonitis and this whole thing is just spiraling out of control. My knee isn't ANY better, I'm getting the name of an orthapedist (who the fuck knows how to spell that word) to see exactly whats going on. The rest of me is still sore from sunday because I'm so out of shape.
I'm still sleepy. I'm so sleepy I'm almost a little nauseous. Does that ever happen to you?
I had a nice time in drawing today, for a change. I got to play with ink. Ink is fun. And is now all over my entire arms and hands. I have a special talent for making messes.
I read a great play by a playwright who I know (sort of know) tonight and I was relieved because it was REALLY good and hilarious and creepy because you're so disturbed and amused at the same time. I love theater.
I feel a little crazy right now. I feel a little...untethered.
hmmmmmmmmmmm maybe I'll go lookin for trouble
Monday, September 17, 2007
Case of the Mondays...
ugh, today is a disgusting awful day.
i felt it the moment i woke up, after i hit snooze 23 times, although i was cheerful.
i should have known, as soon as i burned my pancake - always an omen of bad things to come.
My whole body hurts, the weather is awful, they were all out of thumbtacks at CVS.
i have tons of drawings due tomorrow, none of which are finished, and I have to be up at 7:30 am to start my day.
Oh awful awful awful.
Mostly awful because I don't feel myself, I feel irritable and petty. I was selfish this morning on the phone, with the one person i never want to be selfish with, i couldn't snap out of it, i was getting sort of...i don't know, all tied up inside. And then i was so distracted by worrying about what he would think of that behavior that i could hardly concentrate in class. All I kept thinking was, "this would be easier to sort out in person" but of course if we could sort it out in person than the whole problem wouldn't exist and everything would be blissful.
I talked to an old friend of mine this weekend and he asked me about my love life and he laughed. "nothing simple for you, huh?"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
Christ.
i felt it the moment i woke up, after i hit snooze 23 times, although i was cheerful.
i should have known, as soon as i burned my pancake - always an omen of bad things to come.
My whole body hurts, the weather is awful, they were all out of thumbtacks at CVS.
i have tons of drawings due tomorrow, none of which are finished, and I have to be up at 7:30 am to start my day.
Oh awful awful awful.
Mostly awful because I don't feel myself, I feel irritable and petty. I was selfish this morning on the phone, with the one person i never want to be selfish with, i couldn't snap out of it, i was getting sort of...i don't know, all tied up inside. And then i was so distracted by worrying about what he would think of that behavior that i could hardly concentrate in class. All I kept thinking was, "this would be easier to sort out in person" but of course if we could sort it out in person than the whole problem wouldn't exist and everything would be blissful.
I talked to an old friend of mine this weekend and he asked me about my love life and he laughed. "nothing simple for you, huh?"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
Christ.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Learning Curve
Last night was horrible.
And I felt horribly selfish and blind which made me feel even worse. I just finally worked myself up so much that I felt sick and went to bed. I know I should be grateful and I know everything happens for a reason and blah blah blah but GOD why do I seem to be always having these lessons forced down my throat. If something, anything, could just come easily to me - that would be great.
Well that's an exaggeration. Some lovely things do come easily to me, things that mean more to me than any project (you know who you are) but even those things come with strings attached and stipulations and take a lot of strength and courage and faith. I'm just feeling very blighted right now. Is that a word? Well it is now.
I'm feeling sorry for myself, basically. I know I do that a lot.
It just digs into me, you know? It gets under your skin, time after time, never getting exactly what you strive for. You start to falter and doubt and resent which makes it even harder, increasingly harder each time. To think positive and to believe.
And I know in my heart that I would have been so GOOD.
But I suppose this role gives me a chance I haven't had in quite sometime, in that I will be able to completely transform myself into something completely different. I mean my character isn't even earthly, so you know. It will be interesting. I'll probably learn a lot. But I'm still kicking myself. And I still wonder what might have happened if I hadn't auditioned for the second show.
I'm just...GUH...dissapointed again. Seems to be a common theme.
Luckily I have people in my life who I am convinced can see me through anything. Not very many but a few choice people. And Feathers.
And I felt horribly selfish and blind which made me feel even worse. I just finally worked myself up so much that I felt sick and went to bed. I know I should be grateful and I know everything happens for a reason and blah blah blah but GOD why do I seem to be always having these lessons forced down my throat. If something, anything, could just come easily to me - that would be great.
Well that's an exaggeration. Some lovely things do come easily to me, things that mean more to me than any project (you know who you are) but even those things come with strings attached and stipulations and take a lot of strength and courage and faith. I'm just feeling very blighted right now. Is that a word? Well it is now.
I'm feeling sorry for myself, basically. I know I do that a lot.
It just digs into me, you know? It gets under your skin, time after time, never getting exactly what you strive for. You start to falter and doubt and resent which makes it even harder, increasingly harder each time. To think positive and to believe.
And I know in my heart that I would have been so GOOD.
But I suppose this role gives me a chance I haven't had in quite sometime, in that I will be able to completely transform myself into something completely different. I mean my character isn't even earthly, so you know. It will be interesting. I'll probably learn a lot. But I'm still kicking myself. And I still wonder what might have happened if I hadn't auditioned for the second show.
I'm just...GUH...dissapointed again. Seems to be a common theme.
Luckily I have people in my life who I am convinced can see me through anything. Not very many but a few choice people. And Feathers.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Fuck Fuck Fuck
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!
FUCK!
I got a letter from Clipper Navigations Inc. kindly informing me that due to the cancelled boat to the San Juan Islands, I had rescheduled a party of 2 to Victoria instead and then forgotten to cancel their previously booked hotel in the San Juans. So they're deducting $185 dollars from my commission check.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK dhfsjhfjksdhjkflhui3y4uigfufgehjvbdhcvbhjevfhjvfejgedhjfgeiuyeghfjd
I need a job really soon. How the fuck am I going to do this.
FUCK!
I got a letter from Clipper Navigations Inc. kindly informing me that due to the cancelled boat to the San Juan Islands, I had rescheduled a party of 2 to Victoria instead and then forgotten to cancel their previously booked hotel in the San Juans. So they're deducting $185 dollars from my commission check.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK dhfsjhfjksdhjkflhui3y4uigfufgehjvbdhcvbhjevfhjvfejgedhjfgeiuyeghfjd
I need a job really soon. How the fuck am I going to do this.
Thick Skin
I just downloaded Sara Bareilles' album Little Voice, you should do the same.
Some things get easier every day and some things just get harder.
One thing I forgot about being at school is how alone it feels sometimes. My close friends are so busy and I often end up feeling like there's no one really REAL out there to connect to. That's the problem with being an artist, particularly in theater, is that people are sometimes so fake. I mean, they're entertaining as fuck, but they are just so...caught up with appearing a certain way, maybe because they feel so vulnerable, I don't know. I just feel very alienated.
I would love to go and see Meg or go out to Queens maybe, but I can't go anywhere. Unless I can afford cabfare which, let me cut the suspense, I can't.
I'm too tired to worry about money. I'm just exhausted all the time. Standing up for 20 minutes completely wipes me out, and I keep pushing myself too hard so that when I lay down at night I'm in too much pain. I've been putting off some of the treatment that my naturopath gave me, I don't know why. I just...is it going to make it any better? No. I'm still not going to be able to walk, I'm still going to be unable to make around and get myself a glass of water or walk to the grocery store and cook something. I just feel paralyzed and so its hard to really care about anything.
I know I told Jason to have hope and courage to see through the pain and I realize I'm being a huge hypocrite...sigh...no I mean I do have hope - in a month, I'll be walking fine, but for now I just feel completely helpless. And I hate hate hate it. I just want to cry every time I want to take out the trash, or set up all the kitchen stuff, or do any number of things that I can't really do.
And I suppose I saw it coming but no one can help me by going up to Harlem and supervising the movers tomorrow, so I'm gonna have to take a cab up there and then take a cab back and do all of it myself. I'm hoping it goes fine. We'll see. I mean I don't really have a choice at this point.
I miss Jason, so much. He gives me some kind of courage I just can't get anywhere else. Its hard to summon that feeling from 3000 miles away but I guess I'll have to try for a while. That's the only thing that got me up to 93rd street the other day to get my wheelchair.
I'm just dreading tomorrow. I shouldn't, I should be positive.
It'll be fine. It'll be great. I'll have all my stuff and I will be able to sleep on my own sheets and comfy bed. That will be nice. Ok. I can do this.
Some things get easier every day and some things just get harder.
One thing I forgot about being at school is how alone it feels sometimes. My close friends are so busy and I often end up feeling like there's no one really REAL out there to connect to. That's the problem with being an artist, particularly in theater, is that people are sometimes so fake. I mean, they're entertaining as fuck, but they are just so...caught up with appearing a certain way, maybe because they feel so vulnerable, I don't know. I just feel very alienated.
I would love to go and see Meg or go out to Queens maybe, but I can't go anywhere. Unless I can afford cabfare which, let me cut the suspense, I can't.
I'm too tired to worry about money. I'm just exhausted all the time. Standing up for 20 minutes completely wipes me out, and I keep pushing myself too hard so that when I lay down at night I'm in too much pain. I've been putting off some of the treatment that my naturopath gave me, I don't know why. I just...is it going to make it any better? No. I'm still not going to be able to walk, I'm still going to be unable to make around and get myself a glass of water or walk to the grocery store and cook something. I just feel paralyzed and so its hard to really care about anything.
I know I told Jason to have hope and courage to see through the pain and I realize I'm being a huge hypocrite...sigh...no I mean I do have hope - in a month, I'll be walking fine, but for now I just feel completely helpless. And I hate hate hate it. I just want to cry every time I want to take out the trash, or set up all the kitchen stuff, or do any number of things that I can't really do.
And I suppose I saw it coming but no one can help me by going up to Harlem and supervising the movers tomorrow, so I'm gonna have to take a cab up there and then take a cab back and do all of it myself. I'm hoping it goes fine. We'll see. I mean I don't really have a choice at this point.
I miss Jason, so much. He gives me some kind of courage I just can't get anywhere else. Its hard to summon that feeling from 3000 miles away but I guess I'll have to try for a while. That's the only thing that got me up to 93rd street the other day to get my wheelchair.
I'm just dreading tomorrow. I shouldn't, I should be positive.
It'll be fine. It'll be great. I'll have all my stuff and I will be able to sleep on my own sheets and comfy bed. That will be nice. Ok. I can do this.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
the pain drain
I woke up this morning in a lot of pain again, and it struck me, maybe for the first time, how really helpless I am. I can't do shit, and I have no idea how I am going to have any semblance of a normal life.
I mean, here I am with a full day in new york city before I can move my stuff in (yeah, no idea how I'm going to do that either) and I can't do ANYTHING. I can't go to the grocery store, I can't even go to the mail room. All I can do is sit on the fucking bed and read or watch television. Its pathetic, I feel awful. I really really hate this. I hate having to ask people for help for every tiny thing. I hate being dependent on the caprice of others, because I know that I'm gonna end up stuck most of the time. I fucking hate hate hate this.
To top it all off, most of my stuff is in storage, which I have somehow got to get out on saturday. Which is fine, because we hired some extra movers to basically do it all for me, BUT someone has to go up to Harlem and "supervise" them. I can't go, needless to say, so I have to find somebody who will. And I don't know a single person who is willing to do it. I don't know what I am going to do. I'm not sure I'm even gonna be able to supervise them on this end, I really can't walk on my crutches for very long without getting really really tired.
Sorry about the self-pity fest, I know I should be happy that I'm alive and that it could have been much worse. But its still a nightmare.
I mean, here I am with a full day in new york city before I can move my stuff in (yeah, no idea how I'm going to do that either) and I can't do ANYTHING. I can't go to the grocery store, I can't even go to the mail room. All I can do is sit on the fucking bed and read or watch television. Its pathetic, I feel awful. I really really hate this. I hate having to ask people for help for every tiny thing. I hate being dependent on the caprice of others, because I know that I'm gonna end up stuck most of the time. I fucking hate hate hate this.
To top it all off, most of my stuff is in storage, which I have somehow got to get out on saturday. Which is fine, because we hired some extra movers to basically do it all for me, BUT someone has to go up to Harlem and "supervise" them. I can't go, needless to say, so I have to find somebody who will. And I don't know a single person who is willing to do it. I don't know what I am going to do. I'm not sure I'm even gonna be able to supervise them on this end, I really can't walk on my crutches for very long without getting really really tired.
Sorry about the self-pity fest, I know I should be happy that I'm alive and that it could have been much worse. But its still a nightmare.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Nice.
Listen, you know what? I am a nice person, I like being a nice person, being nice is very important to me. I want people to think I am kind and fair.
And I am, so fuck you.
So today I had another one of those horribly unsettling incidents when someone tries to undermine you by using your nice-ness.
They pull something dirty and treacherous and then make you stopping them doing that not nice thing (robbing you blind and sideways) seem like YOU doing something terribly not nice.
Which is absurd and unfair.
And it is that very kind of behavior that makes it so hard to be nice in this world, that EXCUSES people who are not nice and makes them think its ok not to be nice, because nice people only get SCREWED OVER.
BEING NICE SHOULD BE EASY! WHY DO YOU ALL MAKE IT SO FUCKING HARD?!
Maybe if we all stopped being so fucking worried about ourselves and started just being nice then everyone else would be nice too and then you wouldn't have to be worried about yourself because no one who is nice would ever hurt you!
Wouldn't that be...nice?! FUCK!! ITS NOT FUCKING NUCLEAR FISSION!!
I mean god, save your aggression for the bedroom people! Or Tae Kwon Do! Jesus fucking christ!
Look, if there is a problem and you come to me when you discover it then maybe we can work together towards a compromise. I'll probably even be more than commonly generous, which I do AL THE TIME (remember, I'm a NICE PERSON).
But when you go behind my back, when you lie and cheat, and when you are not only not nice to me, but to whoever else may get pulled in along the way, then I have am not particularly inclined to be self-sacrificing! I mean I'm nice, but I'm not a doormat.
AND THEN to put the proverbial cherry on the passive aggressive sundae, you try and make me feel bad about standing up for myself?! HDJSKALHJKDSAHJDSKALHDJSAFKLHFDSJLKFDHJKLDFHJKDSLFHJSKAL!!!!
It makes me so angry because although you probably don't realize what you are doing, (people like you never tend to think on the grander scale) YOU ARE KILLING THE IMPULSE TO BE NICE IN PEOPLE!!!
Look, people would like to be nice, I really believe that. Its why people fucking love those Extreme Home Makoever shows, or when Oprah gives some poor family a new home and tons of crap, because we long, we simple LONG for niceness. It makes us feel good, and we would LOVE to be a part of it. People would love to be nice most of the time. Its so FUCKING OBVIOUS, its the most obvious logical thing in the world. But people learn, after encountering people like YOU, that when they are nice they get screwed. And instead of attaching that blame to YOU for SCREWING THEM, they blame themselves. Because people are too nice to blame YOU!! ISN'T THAT SWEET BUT PATHETIC?! We blame ourselves and we say, "well that's what I get for being nice". And so we stop being nice, eventually. And we don't blame people for being selfish and opportunistic and dishonest and cruel, we just stop being nice, thinking that we'll be prepared for it.
God its so sad.
Anyway, I'm continuing to be nice and hopefully I inspire other people to be nice too. And it makes me sad when people aren't and today is just one of those days.
The end.
Sorry that was so long. And that I swore and used the Lord's name in vain. But I just get so angry sometimes! Well anyway, you know.
And I am, so fuck you.
So today I had another one of those horribly unsettling incidents when someone tries to undermine you by using your nice-ness.
They pull something dirty and treacherous and then make you stopping them doing that not nice thing (robbing you blind and sideways) seem like YOU doing something terribly not nice.
Which is absurd and unfair.
And it is that very kind of behavior that makes it so hard to be nice in this world, that EXCUSES people who are not nice and makes them think its ok not to be nice, because nice people only get SCREWED OVER.
BEING NICE SHOULD BE EASY! WHY DO YOU ALL MAKE IT SO FUCKING HARD?!
Maybe if we all stopped being so fucking worried about ourselves and started just being nice then everyone else would be nice too and then you wouldn't have to be worried about yourself because no one who is nice would ever hurt you!
Wouldn't that be...nice?! FUCK!! ITS NOT FUCKING NUCLEAR FISSION!!
I mean god, save your aggression for the bedroom people! Or Tae Kwon Do! Jesus fucking christ!
Look, if there is a problem and you come to me when you discover it then maybe we can work together towards a compromise. I'll probably even be more than commonly generous, which I do AL THE TIME (remember, I'm a NICE PERSON).
But when you go behind my back, when you lie and cheat, and when you are not only not nice to me, but to whoever else may get pulled in along the way, then I have am not particularly inclined to be self-sacrificing! I mean I'm nice, but I'm not a doormat.
AND THEN to put the proverbial cherry on the passive aggressive sundae, you try and make me feel bad about standing up for myself?! HDJSKALHJKDSAHJDSKALHDJSAFKLHFDSJLKFDHJKLDFHJKDSLFHJSKAL!!!!
It makes me so angry because although you probably don't realize what you are doing, (people like you never tend to think on the grander scale) YOU ARE KILLING THE IMPULSE TO BE NICE IN PEOPLE!!!
Look, people would like to be nice, I really believe that. Its why people fucking love those Extreme Home Makoever shows, or when Oprah gives some poor family a new home and tons of crap, because we long, we simple LONG for niceness. It makes us feel good, and we would LOVE to be a part of it. People would love to be nice most of the time. Its so FUCKING OBVIOUS, its the most obvious logical thing in the world. But people learn, after encountering people like YOU, that when they are nice they get screwed. And instead of attaching that blame to YOU for SCREWING THEM, they blame themselves. Because people are too nice to blame YOU!! ISN'T THAT SWEET BUT PATHETIC?! We blame ourselves and we say, "well that's what I get for being nice". And so we stop being nice, eventually. And we don't blame people for being selfish and opportunistic and dishonest and cruel, we just stop being nice, thinking that we'll be prepared for it.
God its so sad.
Anyway, I'm continuing to be nice and hopefully I inspire other people to be nice too. And it makes me sad when people aren't and today is just one of those days.
The end.
Sorry that was so long. And that I swore and used the Lord's name in vain. But I just get so angry sometimes! Well anyway, you know.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Stuck
Around dinner time last night, my parents start bickering again. My dad refused to make what my mom had laid out for dinner, he cooked something she didn't like instead, GOD KNOWS WHY, and the fighting commenced. And there I sat in the middle of it, wishing I had one of those bells they use in boxing matches. Round 1!
Then my dad lost his temper, called her a nasty old bitch (nice one dad) and stormed upstairs. Then we were left without anyone for a couple of hours. Then he came back downstairs and I asked for my pain medication and my mom berated him for not being on top of my care. "You're not doing your best John, stop lying to yourself!"
Now my mom and dad are in the other room, fighting out of earshot. Which i suppose is better than fighting over me right in front of my nose.
But I'm still alone, stuck on the couch.
I'm worried about coming back to new york. How will I move in? How will I go grocery shopping? How am I even going to participate in my classes?
I hate this so much, but I must be grateful that it wasn't any worse.
Then my dad lost his temper, called her a nasty old bitch (nice one dad) and stormed upstairs. Then we were left without anyone for a couple of hours. Then he came back downstairs and I asked for my pain medication and my mom berated him for not being on top of my care. "You're not doing your best John, stop lying to yourself!"
Now my mom and dad are in the other room, fighting out of earshot. Which i suppose is better than fighting over me right in front of my nose.
But I'm still alone, stuck on the couch.
I'm worried about coming back to new york. How will I move in? How will I go grocery shopping? How am I even going to participate in my classes?
I hate this so much, but I must be grateful that it wasn't any worse.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
I'M FINE I PROMISE
So I was driving down I-5 with my mom on our way to Ashland for a little vacation, I just remeber driving and then all of a sudden we swerved out of control across the 4 lanes of traffic, we were struck by another car, hit the median, then slammed by another truck. Then we flipped onto the ceiling and skidded back across the roadway on the roof until we came to a stop when we hit the other guard-rail. I have these flashes, the same images of the crash playing over and over in my head. I still can't remember how it started. I remember unhooking my seat-belt and then my mom's so we wouldn't be hanging upside down from the ceiling.
We are ok in the end. I mean were are both banged up really bad, but no broken bones. My ankle is sprained pretty badly and my other knee has some sort of tendon or cartilage tear. The back of my scalp has three staples in it (THAT was weird, now I know how the paper feels) and the right side of my face is still swollen.
My mom is in a lot of pain and it kills me, because I was the one driving, I feel so responsible. Its awful. And my parents are bickering like mad.
Jason has come over every day. He came over yesterday and again today. He's...amazing. I'm so impressed with him. I wish he was in less pain though :(
Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know what's happened. I'll heal soon! Mostly now I just sit on the couch and either sleep or watch tv. I do a lot of icing...that's exciting. Sigh. I'm trying to focus all my energy on healing and as little as possible on how this will affect my year because, well, not much I can do about it now.
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