Reality check

Talk about reminding me about what's important!

My best friend Mara is in the hospital, she had a life-threatening blood clot and just underwent angioplasty. The doctors say she should be alright. I'm waiting for a call from her mom.

I'm not religious but its times like this that make me kneel down and pray.

Back to Black

I'm so angry, so angry angry.

I keep seeing slow-motion montages in my head of my blurred self tearing things apart in a rage, GOD I want to do it so bad. Just rip and tear at everything around me, my arms furiously reaching, everything coming crashing down upon my head. Scrape my fingernails down the white-washed walls and rip bleeding holes in the stark emptiness surrounding me.

"We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
I go back to..."

rien.

My brow has stuck all furrowed. My eyes scream out with injustice. A fire licks in my stomach every time anyone speaks, dares to open their mouth and let the lies pour out. I've shut myself up in my room and listened to the same song over and over.

I take pictures of my twisted angry self and I look at them as frustrated tears sneak out the corners of my eyes, laughing at me. You're not the only one with a dark side.

Is this what you wanted? To see this side of me? To push this little angry child out of my grown-up self to beat her fists upon the bars of her cage? Well I am stronger now then I was when we first met and now I won't hesitate, I will grasp them and shake them, echoing down the corridor, shake them hard and rattling loud, like a train off the tracks until I can't shake them anymore, until I finally collapse in exhaustion.

I hate you. Not in the real way, but I hate you for making me feel this way. I don't blame you, but I hate you all the same.

And then, then I do the worst. I nail the lid down on my own damn coffin. I stir in the poison myself, into the gasoline I'm sipping.
I look at the pictures of her over and over, I study her every feature, looking for what it is that holds you. What is it that doesn't manifest in me, that never will, never will be able to hold a man like you? I can't get inside there, not inside your hard walnut shell. But she's wormed her way in, she got inside of you and found me hiding there. And she's rotting me out, waiting until the toxicity gets too high and I evaporate and float slowly away from you.

She'll keep you forever.

Forever while I'm pushed out, drifting into nothing.

Its her and its you and its also another and another and everyone else too.
Its all of you who orchestrate the misery that chases me down until the moon rises in my window.

But you, you are the werewolf who devours me every night. You are the worst, oh so sweet and so vicious.

"we only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
you go back to her
and I go back to..."

black.

Oh Love's Gonna Get You Down...

I'm listening to a lot of sugary indie brit pop, and let me tell you - it is doin' the trick.

I've been a really rotten mood for the last couple of days. Everything makes me so angry, I feel invalidated and ignored and just icky and terrible. Plus I'm surrounded by people in beautiful relationships, which is great for them but toxic for me. All the old fears of being unable to secure something like that...well anyway they come bubbling up and all of a sudden I've worked myself up and I'm furious and sad.

Jesus. After a while I get even more furious at myself for letting things like that upset me.

Also, my thesis is due on the 2nd...

I'm auditioning for Ian's company's show, Dark of the Moon. I want it and yet it complicates things. I've got to find somewhere really cheap to stay, and I've got to scrounge around for a job when I get back to sea-town in July. It just sounds awful.
But then again so does going home and living with my parents.
Plus after the read-through last night, I'm developing attachments to the play...
God this is hard. Why did I chose this? I'm gonna have to worry about these same things and work my ass off for the rest of my LIFE. Sounds AWFUL.
Why can't I just be an accountant and have normal ambitions that involve a social life?

August can not come fast enough.

shut out

above all else, I am so afraid I am nothing to him.

Filing

I'll put these in the folder marked, 'I know I shouldn't, but I will!"

I also love how in the last one, I'm clearly trying to communicate something. Men are so obsessed with themselves. If he wasn't so gorgeous and adorable I would be annoyed. Sigh. Isn't he cute?

So much stresssss

I NEVER get a break, I swear to you.

I hate tuesdays.

Plus I'm still in a fog from the trip (jet lag?) I went to sleep at like 9 last night because I wasnt feeling well and now I'm up because I have so much work to do.
fuuuuck. I'm fucked. fuck fuck fuck.

Ok, I have to:

research Jen Genet
Go over my monologue
try and do SOMETHING for portfolio review

and tomorrow is gonna suck even worse, because I have to go to the museum AND write that 7 page paper.

And did I mention I have a thesis due in four weeks?

yeahhhhhhhhhhh

shortie

I want to talk about my trip but I've been stripped of the capacity.

Many things in my life are becoming unbearable, I don't know what I am going to do. I know I need to change them, but the prospect is so horrifying that I resist again and again.

Maybe part of me fears that if I don't have her I will have no one.

And the rest of me thinks she is right, and I am cruel and selfish.

What happens to the human soul when you are so acutely entrenched in your own entrapment that freedom no longer seems enticing enough. What it will rip from you is too dear, and you fear you would not survive the exposure.

Here it is again: the consoling lie. What is truth and what is not, is there anyone who can tell me?

Départ

I'm leaving in a few minutes.

I have a meeting with Julie first, my acting professor to talk about my work in class. I have NO clue what she'll say. Probably the same old thing about how I need to work on my connection to the text and embody it blah blah. She's great though, so nice and knowledgable.

Then I leave directe for the airport! I'm just gonna take the train I think, it's cheaper. Whatevs, I'm poor!

la la la France la!

au revoir mes amis! Ta Linotte reviens!

Woooooo!! *lifts shirt*

SPRING BREAK 2007! Yeahhh!

I am so excited, I'm about to pee my pants every time I think about it. I got an email from Clément today! He's freaking out, I'm freaking out, I'm going to stop by my acting atelier and suprise everyone. Its gonna be hilarious.

The weather may be shitty, but that's alright. I don't even care.

France, friends, food, and sex. What could be better?

nothing i tell you!!


I should have gone to the museum exhibit for my history course this afternoon but I forgot about the faculty meeting. Which was great actually, we've got a lot of interesting prospects on the horizon. Naomi Wallace and a workshop for the Public, Matthew's crazy musical called Laughing Pictures, and still of course Cloud 9 possibilities. Plus another Naomi Wallace play. Or Kate Crackernuts by Sheila Cunningham. Awesome.

Anyhow, because I didn't go to the museum today I have to go tomorrow. But I also need to get my haircut. And work out. And did I mentioned I have an exam at 4pm? I'm gonna have to go to Theatre History, book it to the museum, get a haircut, and high-tail it to the exam, hoping I studied enough the night before. I hope this isn't the world's worst plan.
I got an 89 on the last exam, I almost blew an ovary. Talk about petty deductions. One point? Really? I feel like history teachers expect a lot out of me because contribute a lot in class discussions and so they hold me to a different standard on exams. No fair man, I'm ADD, I have serious limitations! I just hate to dissapoint this professor, I really like him a lot.
Man, I have got to make it to that museum tomorrow. Fuuuuuck. Well if I get out of class at 11:30 I should be good and done by 3pm, I mean that is way more than plenty of time. Ok. I think I'll have some time to study, this is good.

After that I can just pack for my trip! Eeeeee so excited!

Moonstruck

Best Movie Everrrrr



I AIN'T NO FREAKIN MONUMENT TO JUSTICE!
I LOST MY HAND! I LOST MY BRIDE! JOHNNY'S GOT HIS HAND! JOHNNY'S GOT HIS BRIDE!
YOU WANT ME TO TAKE MY HEARTBREAK PUT IT AWAY AND FORGET?!?!

CHRISSY! OVER BY THE THE WALL: BRING ME THE BIG KNIFE!!
NO RONNIE!
BRING ME THE BIG KNIFE! I'M GONNA CUT MY THROAT!
I TELL YOU I WON'T DO IT!


SON OF A BITCH!!

Fly In Ointment

I have yet to translate the way I feel about human beings as an actor, into how I feel about human being as...well a human. I still feel like I'm holding out for that ideal, when part of me thinks that its unreasonable to even expect that to exist. Should I go ahead and jump on the 'good enough for now' wagon and ruin such a great friendship? Yes no maybe so...

Rien from Hervé. What that may or may not mean is a complete mystery. I don't understand this man, which he should hardly find suprising since he doesn't communicate with me. Which I suppose I shouldn't find suprising either, frank communication is not a very french concept. Its very american of me to want to pin everything down and define in, but CAN YOU BLAME ME? Heartbreak can make a person very pragmatic.

I would like to see him. Very much so. But its his decision. He knows whatever he decides I will submit to. No WONDER he likes me, jesus, what man could turn that down?

I made my reservation for my trip to Normandy! I'm staying in Bayeux for two nights and taking a tour of the D-Day beaches. It will be a lovely history-filled dork-fest and I for one, am quite enthused. Plus I'm looking forward to the time alone and the countryside: a good prescription for a severe confusion. Very Emersonian, Anaïs would be proud.

I'm almost finished with the third volume of her early diaries, so I'll take the fourth one with me. And maybe one of her Erotica novels (DUH! Its france!)


So this weekend, I have to write two papers and print up about 60 pictures in 4 different sizes. And also study for my history midterm. And also figure out what to do with the first page of my portfolio (god only knows). And pick a scene for the second half of my acting class, which is going to be taught by a man named Tim Douglass. Hope he's good.


oh! I got a phone interview for the Faculty Associate position at Cherubs! Its tomorrow afternoon, I'm a little nervous. I figure as long as I stay calm and avoid saying "um" and "uh" too much, it should go alright. I might I'm not Ghandi, I don't have to be that profound.

Twisted

I'm so confused. I'm so confused what's right for me.
Or maybe I know but I just don't want to face it. Some part of me is holding out.
Its that fucking hope thing again.
Kelsey said I reminded her of a little girl holding her eyes shut.
Such a good image for what is happening in all facets of my life right now.

I can't believe its only wednesday. Thank GOD I have wednesdays off. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't. I'm always so exhausted by monday and tuesday that if I didn't have the next day off, I swear I would drop dead in the street. Especially after tuesdays, tuesdays are rough. Michelle hated everything I brought in today, it was awful. I'm not sure I actually like design, I just liked it when it was something I was good at. Because I'm that shallow. Fabulous.


So many relationships confuse me, I don't really know why I end up drawn to the people that I find myself around. Some of them, actually several, are people that others can't even stand. Maybe its being so devoted to my mom who is so abrasive that I've learned to look past that in people, but I wonder if that's actually made me not realize when I'm shouldering more than my load. I hate having to defend people I care about, especially to myself. Why should I surround myself with people I'm not sure are good for me? Its a very helpless feeling not being able to control or trust your own feelings. If I feel myself gravitate towards someone, I may need to resist that very impulse. My self-destructive behavior is instinctual. I feel like I'm programmed to explode.


Also a question: when you love someone, shouldn't there be a sort of pride in that love? Shouldn't you want to shout it from the rooftops, shouldn't you want the world to know? Shouldn't you at least be able to face it yourself?

I feel very small right now, I feel as if I might be swallowed up and dissappear.

I think I take too much of what life hands me. Maybe I should start grabbing for things. I'm not sure I know entirely how to do that. Or what is worthwhile for that matter. I wish I had good role models in my life! People to show me what things are positive and what are not.

theatre certainly isn't any helped, god knows how fucked up we all are. we spend most of our free-time self medicating. Which may I say has its perks.

I hate thinking that he's thinking about her.
I hate imagining the scenarious in my head that I know he's imagining that aren't with me. I hate reading his words and reading about someone else. I hate that he's anguished and its not by me. I hate that he yearns and its not for me. I hate that she has caught him in a way I never will and I hate how that makes me feel. Why is that woman never me?

Somewhere I always go wrong and someone always sneaks into the very place that my whole body craves, every inch of my skin pulsing to get inside of him but somehow the route is always blocked.

une philosophe (I'm stoned)

Hope is the fountain of youth.

from it all life springs, and its stream grows weaker and weaker with every passing year until it finally runs out as the last breath slips through our lips.

That's why children believe the impossible.

Its why adults are afraid of everything.

Hope Hope Hope its such a different word than espoir.
Hope is hopeful, simple, pops with breath, forces your mouth into a little kiss.

Hope.

I'm sorry I just can't stop saying it. Hope hope hope.

Le Pêcheur

Il y a un homme au sud
Un pêcheur
Qu’il a peur d’accrocher
Une bonne prise

Il joue avec des allumettes,
Les jetant par terre,
Et il regarde, étonné,
Les flâmes qui surgissent tout à coup
de la crasse, de la boue

il dit qu’il va mourir seul,
un vieux grognon,
il observe son destin
avec une révérence résigné,
comme s’il n’était pas son choix

je le regarde, son visage vers l’horizon
et je trace les lignes qui tombent de ses yeux


je suis à bout d’arguments
si je peux prendre ce visage, ce doux visage,
dans mes mains
je pourrais dire
comment je l’aime

Mais je ne peux pas

il est trop concentré
de se distancer,
de quoi ou qui,
j’en sais rien.
Et moi
Je suis paralysée,
je n’arrive pas à avancer

je regarde mon pêcheur
mon homme du sud
j’adopte sa révérence résignée
et nous deux
nous regardons les feux
dans la distance

Oh My God I Forgot How Great Weekends Are

Have I never lived a weekend before? This seems completely novel and new.

I have been so DAMNED relaxed and yet PRODUCTIVE this weekend! Ok, well yesterday I did nothing, but then in the evening I roasted a chicken! A whole chicken! And then Tim and I watched À Bout De Souffle which I think was the best movie I've seen in a long time. I was really stoned to be honest, but I still think it was really good.

And today I finished the final incarnations of my resumes, finished my Cherubs application, emailed my professors for recommendations, and did my business card. Oh and wrote a cover letter, which i think is really good.

And I had pancakes and scrambled eggs for breakfast and watched a show on the Discovery Channel about Killer Bees. And now Morgan and I might go out to Queens to see Ian and Vince.

I swear there has never been a weekend before in my life.

Weird.


Also I made a realization (the little philosopher):

We are all cowards. Of loneliness, of death, of growing old, of love. We are all cowards. To each his phobia.

Nous sommes tous des lâches, tous lâches. De la solitude, de la mort, d'agir, de l'amour. Nous sommes tous des lâches. Tous phobiques.


Tu vois ta petite Linotte? Elle est très forte, elle pense beaucoup. Tu devrais être fier d'elle, hein?

ciao bises!

Forgive me!

Sorry I haven't posted in a long time!

So. Arrows is going very very well, I think. Morgan and I sort of tweaked something in the character which made it make so much more SENSE. And also be slightly less Stepford Wife. I guess that's where my inane idealism comes sneaking out - I have this dire urge to play people as I wish they were, instead of how they are. Which ironically, makes them much less real, and therefore less sympathetic.

Its been a good experience. Having Morgan as a director is really great actually, our friendship doesn't seem to get in the way of it, it just makes it more enjoyable. I guess it allows it to be very personal. Plus she knows all my bad habits and the way I work, so she is really good at encouraging me when I need it and then stepping it up at the right time in the right way. Its pretty great actually.

So yeah. I just wish I didn't have a HUGE exam on monday as well as the show opening. And a huge chunk of my portfolio due on tuesday. Gah! School! Kill me.

I'm working on my resumes and my applications for this summer, mainly for Cherubs. If I don't get it...I guess I'll go home and work and be miserable. Guh. You know what, I better figure out a back-up plan. Something with at least a small stipend. GOD I wish I had some money saved up. Money is so hard right now especially, god. My parents payed for my birth control today though, so you win and you lose.

I'M SO STINKIN EXCITED FOR PARIS!!!! I got an email back from Akilles who was really sweet and offered me a place to stay for a week. Which I TOTALLY did not expect him to do. Still haven't heard from my host family though :( I'm hoping I will soon. I should probably write one of my host brothers too, just in case Martine doesn't get the message somehow.
So now maybe I'll have sex while I'm there? Not sure if that's what staying with Akilles means...hmmmmm....very mysterious. I certainly wouldn't be opposed to it. I am single now I guess.

I'm gonna do so much fun stuff! Go to the museums I missed, go to all my favorite places, see a few friends, maybe go to the Opera or Ballet, and walk around EVERYWHERE. And sit in cafés and read all afternoon. And shopping!!! Although I can't buy anything...sigh. But still! Hopefully Martine and I will go out to Versailles too! And then I'll go up to Normandy to see the D-Day sights. Its gonna be so great, I'm really stoked. I'm already having dreams about it. La la la!

Alright, I'm gonna go read Anaïs. I should be studying for my History exam buuuuuut I don't wanna. Fuck. Maybe I should. Fuck man! I hate school.

I'm feeling very Romantic...

Reading Anaïs has made me long for the ideal. Perhaps it is foolish and naive to do so, but I do enjoy thinking that somewhere that man exists out there.
He's probably making passionate love to his boyfriend right now.

Sigh.


Let me not to the marriage of true minds
admit impediments; love is not love
that alters when it alteration finds,
or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
whose worth's unknown, although his height is taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.



Too much to ask?

Friday!

fridays are amazing. And I'm not just saying that because I'm drunk.

I really need someone, at least what I had in Paris with Akilles. Someone to run away to. Someone who I can go to when I'm ready to get away from everything else. Someone whose entire world is different from mine, who represents a part of life that is not anything like mine. Some strange paradise.

Maybe a handsome young executive. Or a 9-5 mechanic. or a musician. Or a clerk. Or anything. Anything foreign and new and exciting and full of energy ready to channel into me. And I mean INTO ME, so deep into me that I forget about everything around me and we fall deep into a universe of touch and sound, where the earth, even manhattan has melted away and all that's left is his warm skin against mine and his breath pouring into my soul.
Yes! Please, bring me something new!!

"I was a free man in paris
I felt unfettered and alive
there was nobody callin me up for favors
and no one's future to decide
you know I'd go back there tomorrow
but for the work I've taken on
Stokin' the star-makers' machinery
behind the popular song..."

Nearing February...

the dreaded month of february approaches! AHHHHH!!!!

I started a new show, we go up on the 12th. A new children's play by Lucas Leyva. I play an invalidating mother whose son turns into a cloud. Mother issues - just what I need more of. Morgan is directing it, which is great, I think it will be good.

I'm starting to realize a few of my friendships are unhealthy. I'm trying to extract myself from them, but my two best friends have boyfriends and I don't so, I spend a lot of time reading. Which actually, in the long run, is probably better for me anyway.

I wish Ian lived closer, I miss him. I went to his theatre company's Gala last weekend. I was WASTED but was wearing my pretty new dress, so in the end, I think it was alright. I was DRUNK, not puking drunk but preeeeeeetty fucked up. And then I got stoned and ended up in my kitchen at 3am frying up a chicken breast, which I then did not eat, but found in the fridge the next day. Apparently in the end I went with yogurt instead. Brilliant.

I have my first RA interview this weekend, the first in a series of two or three before hopefully they accept me. Fingers crossed!

I'm trying to find a therapist. How does one do that? I looked online but I feel like really good therapists don't advertise online. Isn't that kind of sketchy? To find a therapist online? I have no idea. And why is every therapist a jewish woman in her 40's? Not that I have anything against jewish women or 40 year old women, but I'm wondering if I shouldn't find someone a little younger? Or is more experience better? Plus, my last therapist just sat there and listened to me talk for an hour. I don't want to go to therapy to vent, I want to make sure the cognitive schema I'm creating are going to lead to healthy thoughts and reactions. Bah!

Also, french music is amazing.

nap time!