The Rules of Me

I spent some time tonight reflecting. I read through a lot of my journaling and old writing and was just thinking about the past. You know, who I was and who I've become. Particularly as it pertains to my relationships, since that's primarily how I define my life (I recently realized that not everyone does this - I know, crazy).

It all started because I was sorting through old music and came across one of those songs that just DEFINES a period of your life. In this case it was a song I came to associate with a certain person who I fell for a few years back. The whole thing was short lived because it was right before I left the country and it's a complicated story and nothing terribly sordid happened. Just a lot of wasted frustrations that I now can see were terribly terribly sweet. A sweet little affair, full of poetry and secrets. So much poetry, god, it makes me smile to think of it now. And alcohol and late nights and telling each other all of our deepest darkest secrets.

Earlier today too, something reminded me of Seattle and I got totally lost in memories. Not like childhood memories, but the handful of adult memories of the couple of relationships I had there. They were summer relationships too, which are the most achingly tender. Burnt by the sun.

It really makes my heart just ache. I listen to those songs and I remember those boys and the way it felt to look into their faces when the highs were at their highest. To feel the wonder at the person that I was to them. The Debra that they looked at, touched, embraced. Who is that girl?

So much poetry. That's why I date so many alcoholics I think. I need it.

In case you're curious:
"Me & Bobby McGee" Janis Joplin, which then leads to many other places.
"My Moon, My Man" Feist. That whole album actually.
"It's The Night Time" Josh Rouse
and on and on and on...

ahem.

"There is no body of evidence available from controlled trials to indicate how long the patient with ADHD should be treated with CONCERTA®. It is generally agreed, however, that pharmacological treatment of ADHD may be needed for extended periods.

The effectiveness of CONCERTA® for long-term use, i.e., for more than 7 weeks, has not been systematically evaluated in controlled trials. The physician who elects to use CONCERTA® for extended periods in patients with ADHD should periodically re-evaluate the long-term usefulness of the drug for the individual patient with trials off medication to assess the functioning without pharmacotherapy. Improvement may be sustained when the drug is either temporarily or permanently discontinued."


So just to clarify: the treatment of my disorder may require long-term pharmacological treatment. However, we have no idea if these pharmacological treatments continue to be effective over a long-term period of time. In fact after 7 weeks (that's not even 2 months) effectiveness is clinically unknown and purely anecdotal.

I have been taking 36mg of Concerta every single day for the last 6 years of my life. Six years. Concerta is a sustained-release compound methylphenidate. It's more or less an amphetamine. That's speed, for the lamens out there.

I just feel like, what is the point? What is the point of all this? Telling me my disorder doesn't exist. Telling me my treatment options are unsafe.

I have no options.

No Escape

Why am I attracted to crazy people!! Oh my god.

Letters from the Edge

So tonight I wrote a letter that I had been trying to write for a long time to someone who was really special to me that I hurt because I was confused and inconsiderate and lost their friendship, maybe forever. Sometimes you can't turn back from things.

I like to consider myself a person who has no regrets because I'm mostly a good sort of person who doesn't do regrettable things. But I guess you never know what kind of person you really are. I look back at things I've done in the past and I think, "how could I do something like that?" Even if I never do those things again, I AM a person who does those things.

Christianity says God will forgive if we repent. What good does that do? People can't forgive. How can you forgive someone who's really hurt you? You will always see the shadow of that pain when you look into their eyes and think: "this person i love." How does that reconcile? How can you love that person unless you love the hurt? That relationship is forever changed. Forever, inextricably tied up with that hurt. Tied up with the love and everything else.

I know why I'm thinking these things at 1:30am. I know why I'm looking back. I want the hurt to stop without stopping the love. But they're tied up now. They're tied up. Because I'm a person who does those things.

Credit is Scary

So I fucked up again. I forgot to pay my credit bill for my bed, two days late AGAIN. Which is awful because I have practically no credit at all and now my rating is probably in the toilet. FUCK ME.

AND I forgot to clock out again. For the second day in a row.

I hate being an adult. I feel anxious and I want to cry every day. Why can't I just be a kid again.

I'm going to crawl into bed and pretend that adulthood never happened.

No Surprises Here

Let me just say that my poor boyfriend is in bed asleep right now and he thinks I am there next to him. You'd think after rolling over the entire bed basically even his sleepy brain would realize the bed was empty. He's a heavy sleeper, whatcha gonna do.

So just for the record, I did TRY to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I did! I tried really hard. I laid in bed awake for at least 45 minutes before I snuck over to my computer. That's a very long time to lay in the silent darkness for a rampant neurotic like me. And on addition, it is not my fault my mind couldn't rest, it is not my fault that my ex-boyfriends keep popping back into my life on internet networking sites in pictures with their new girlfriends looking happy and wind-tousled on the beach. That is no way to start a night of going to sleep early! That is the way to continue the staying up late brooding I've been doing for the last few weeks.

So yes I'm up at 2:30 in the morning. But still, I plan to be in bed by 3. And maybe asleep by 4. Which really, is pretty much like every other night. But at least it's not later than usual. Eh? Eh? I may not be improving, but I'm also not worsening (word?). Now tell me that attitude doesn't spell success!

I did manage to clean my bathroom today, which I was really proud of because it was the first productive thing I've done for a really long time. Tomorrow before work, I will do one of the following:

1) Laundry
2) Gym
3) Clean the Kitchen

Since I can only do one of the above in my underwear without showering or brushing my teeth, I think we can all guess which shall be accomplished. But BUT my boyfriend will be here tomorrow which means MAYBE I will get out of bed when he does, and MAYBE I will apply that extra time to something useful and *gasp* outside the walls of my apartment!

Am I becoming agoraphobic? Thank goodness I have a job that requires me leaving home and interacting with people. What a disaster I would be otherwise. Imagine if I was, say, a writer (although, obviously little danger of that). That would be scary. I'd end up being dragged out of my apartment by men in white coats, probably on a stretcher since I'd weight 600 lbs, spending the rest of my adult years in a padded cell eating food portions the size of golf balls after I had my stomach stapled shut, while my family and friends cried their eyes out on Oprah over my sad sad fate.

Do you think I'd get a free make-over?

No no that would be tragic, definitely not worth whatever free cosmetic procedures and/or automobiles Oprah might send my way as a gesture of her support.

Ok I'm bored now and if my boyfriend wakes up and catches me on the computer he's gonna be soooo mad. Maybe I'd better hop back into bed and start counting sheep.

baaaa.

This Election is Like a Stomach Parasite

ENOUGH ALREADY!

Holy gallop poll batman! CALM THE FUCK DOWN PEOPLE.
I'm voting for Obama based on the issues and nothing else, its a complete no-brainer since these two candidates politically have nothing in common except for the fact that they're running for the same office, so stop bombarding me with pointless sensationalist bullshit on EVERY NEWS OUTLET every two seconds. I DON'T CARE! Now I just hate everyone, they all seem slick and disengenuous to me (well ok, no one more than Sarah Palin, but still). I literally have a visceral reaction every time I see any of their faces - and not in the good way.

Is it motherfucking November yet? All the hype isn't making me want to vote, it's making me want to move to Iceland.




No really, I hear it's nice there. Plus Bjork is from Iceland and she's crazy awesome. I wish SHE was running for president.